I came to CoDA via other rooms. I had developed creative and believable methods of manipulation and control to get people to need, like, and be impressed by me. I didn't necessarily want attention, but ultimately desired consistency of kindness and care from relationships (which of course was the missing link from childhood). It took 40-something years and a good home group that felt VERY comfortable for me to finally admit co-dependency is my core challenge.
Personal inventory was frightening until it became just laughable (I realized I even tried to control my cats). The biggest muscle I've built with recovery is boundary-setting. Didn't know what they were, didn't know I was entitled to have them. The ability to set, move, and express boundaries makes me feel so strong and self-loving. The space and clarity (and sometimes literal quiet) boundaries have allowed helped me work on my other foundation muscle, forgiveness. That one took a while. With these two muscles, though, I have a sense of stability (usually) with which to tackle what comes up from the past, what's in the moment, and helps me see and move toward a more healthy, happy future.
Deborah 4/28/15
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