A Deeper Look At Idolise, Devalue, Discard – The 3 Phases Of Narcissistic Abuse Part 2

Written by Melanie Tonia Evans

Last week I wrote about a topic that has been covered in great detail in abuse recovery circles …

The 3 phases of narcissistic abuse – idolise, devalue and discard.

I’m very glad that I decided to approach this topic, as we’ve had an incredible response and a lot of really encouraging discussion from the community as a result.

If you haven’t read Part 1 please click here and read Part 1 before proceeding.

This week, Part 2, is about going into more specifics about these cycles, looking at how painful it can be to be kept on the hook as “supply” when the pain and cracks just get worse and worse (which is what happens in these cycles) and ultimately how to heal from our own “gaps” that have hooked us in.

So that we can extricate ourselves and evolve ourselves beyond these lessons that these painful relationships deliver.

As I was writing Part 1 – I was aware that even though I am writing about narcissistic cycles … how less dramatic versions of this (and much less malicious) can happen in so called “normal” relationships.

(And I think this is a very relevant way to kick off Part 2 – because it can provide all us with a higher consciousness in regard to “relationships”.)

And then … lo and behold … someone posted this question on last week’s post comments …

“If we take a few steps back, and ask what a “normal” (whatever that is) relationship looks like, what are the similarities?

Healthy people fall in love too, and express this initially with acts involving sex, cute notes, romance etc. Eventually this stage falters (I guess?) and life becomes “normal” again. How does it differ from the devalue stage?

And finally, even normal divorces tend all to be somewhat bad. Again – what is normal and what is not?

As a victim of some horrendous acts from my ex, I talk from experience and I know all about the three stages you describe. But, since accusing someone of being a narcissist is very popular and a trending term, I would want to look at it from an unbiased, analytical perspective.”

The last part of this “the difference” is really about this: narcissistic abuse trademarks are pathological, cruel, conscienceless, and quite frankly “nasty”. Criminal acts and committing things that most people could not even think of doing let alone executing is the norm.

Sure … it’s very true … people can do “hurtful” things when hurt. That is “normal” – but that certainly does not necessarily mean this person has Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

What I really do believe, though, is that much “magical thinking” and a “throwaway society” has permeated our world into “normal relationships.”

People who don’t sustain lasting relationships may be experiencing successions of short term relationships because of sabotaging or ending relationships when the going gets tough.

They may be set in their ways, they may have “zero tolerance”, they may have certain ideals and expectations about how a relationship should go and how a partner should behave … and if things don’t match up after the honeymoon period is over, they may extinguish the relationship.

And this can look identical to the idolise (honeymoon period), devalue (“You don’t make me as happy as you used to.” “Wow you do have faults.”) and discard (“This is not the relationship I wanted.” “Relationships shouldn’t be like this.”)

Yet this can get very, very confusing, and the truth is we may have got so orientated in “relationship fantasy” that we can throw out the baby with the bathwater.

(Please don’t however confuse this for narcissistic relationships which are NOT simply about people having “flaws” and “disagreements”.)

Gay Hendriks, a wonderful relationship expert who teams up with his wife Katie, states this about the problem of fantasizing relationships ….

“She would fall head over heels for men who would sweep her off her feet, but once she got to know them better and saw their flaws, she would quickly lose interest.

Then she finally realized what she was doing. She saw that she was replaying those childhood fairytales. She had a belief in a special sort of love which had to be accompanied by a special sort of behavior from a man. And when these expectations did not line up with reality, she became dissatisfied.”

The truth is for all of us that unless we are willing to realise we and our partners have flaws, and in relationships there will be times you may not necessarily like someone – but you certainly can still love them … the same as your family member, child, friend, colleague and even pet … we may base “falling out of love” on versions of conditional love that no-one will ever live up to.

Think about it … we don’t tend to divorce our family member, child, friend, colleague and even pet when at times they don’t live up to our expectations of who we think they should be!

But many, many people do this with partners (idolise, devalue and discard) as a way to ensure unconsciously that they will never have to risk being in a true relationship.

It can be a way to avoid lasting commitment and true intimacy.

Also too, if we have never embraced and loved our own flaws, (embraced unconditional self-love) then we will not be able to accept inevitable flaws in another.

Their stuff will grate on us, we will criticise and judge it … just like we do to ourselves! Then of course the energy that we bring to relationships when we are judging is unwholesome. It generates more judgement and attracts it. It imagines the worst and creates the worst.

(I think this is really great food for thought for all of us!)

Now … back to the three cycles of narcissistic abuse – idolise, devalue and discard … as one person posted in relation to last week’s blog …

“From one of the questions you addressed in the article, I think that some people may not understand that “devalue and discard” don’t necessarily mean that the N physically leaves and/or divorces the victim. It can simply be an emotional leaving … abandonment by using the cold shoulder or silent treatment as part of the cycle.”

And this is very, very true there can be people trapped in this cycle with a narcissist for decades or even until the end of their life … the discard does not have to be literal.

Even though it may not seem so at the time … a true discard, for obvious reasons, is much more preferable.

Do Narcissists Know What They Are Doing Within These Cycles?

I know this is a question which many people want to know about …

This was posted by a Community Member last week on Facebook:

“Do you believe the Narcissist is acting consciously, or unconsciously in all 3 phases? During the targeting they identify the wound, and hook into it. Is this completely fabricated/manipulated? Or, are they mirroring their own wound as well?”

These are such great questions …

To me acting “consciously” means we take responsibility for our own “stuff” and we are not in the game of disarming and manipulating others to try to offset our own stuff.

To do so is highly unconscious behaviour.

However, in the context of the question – are narcissists aware of what they are doing? Yes they are. They are in “survival” doing what narcissists do – seeking out and using people’s weak spots against them in order to control that person and have the upper hand. Otherwise the narcissist’s precarious and insecure ego is under too much threat.

Most people think that because a narcissist “knows” what they are doing that they could stop doing it. That is not the truth – consciousness would be needed to do that. If the narcissist never addresses the inner wounds and traumas that cause him or her to behave that way, the behaviour will never cease.

Everyone – without exception – behaves the way they do given their version of the world. Because the emotional maturity of the narcissist is set on, “I am not safe, people are not safe or to be trusted, and I am defenceless without this strategy” … he or she will always behave that way, and it is not until these beliefs are healed and readjusted (original traumas resolved) that it could be any different.

What is the Payoff for the Narcissist?

A Facebook Member asked this question, “What do they perceive to be the ultimate goal with this behaviour? And what triggers the transition from one phase to the next?”

I don’t believe that narcissists sit around plotting their next victim’s “idolise, devalue and discard” cycles in order to get some sort of malicious delight and “payoff”.

Rather, I genuinely believe they are swept up in the idolise phase … the fantasy, the self-medication of their own inner wounds with the obsession of “the wonderful new partner”.

Then the false pedestal inevitably crumbles and the, “You are not distracting me enough from my inner wounds anymore” ensues … and all of a sudden the bright shiny new toy is not so shiny any more.

This is when the devaluing begins.

And, then once the narcissist’s ego comes under too much threat, there is only two options … belt the other person hard and render them helpless (serious devalue), and / or abandon them (discard) and get rid of them – cruelly if possible … because of this fractured belief, “How dare you not be what my False Self (the bottomless pit of totally unrealistic expectations) needs you to be to keep me happy!? ..”

Is this a formulated plan – or more of an angry wounded child in an adult’s body reacting badly to unhealed inner trauma?

I believe it is the later.

I believe narcissists are an unconscious victim to themselves. Narcissists have reported watching themselves act out, as if watching a runaway train from a station platform, powerless to stop it.

It is no different than when we react in emotionally defunct ways that we feel powerless to stop – all because young unhealed wounds are at the helm and there is not a developed healed adult in charge at these times.

Additionally narcissists detonate “sabotage”. I believe that deep down narcissists expect to fail – they expect the scripts that were a legacy of their original shattered Inner Being to play out – I am unlovable, I am no good, I am bad, people abandon me …

At the depths of their divorced True Self, and the inner critical voices that always threaten to break through … the narcissist believes him or herself to be soiled, unlovable and unacceptable.

This is the reason for the monstrous ego – the pathological defense mechanisms that take over and create the “script” that hopefully exonerates the narcissist from all those feelings. The ego that will ruthlessly attempt to destroy anyone or anything that creates the threat of cracking those smouldering old wounds wide open.

The Trauma of Being Kept as Supply

I have often said that narcissists keep humans on the hook for supply like a crocodile stores pieces of meat under a rock for a future meal. This is a horrible situation to be in when you are still hooked to anyone who has devalued you.

By the very definition of narcissism – a person who acts in self-serving ways to feed their own ego – the truth is there is no care, compassion or value placed on you by this person, and your wellbeing is not respected or considered.

You are purely an instrument to feed the ego – and because you were not doing that sufficiently anyway (hence the devalue and discard) it is very, very likely that other sources of supply are already on the scene – no matter what lengths the narcissist is going to in order to convince you otherwise.

I’ve heard it all in this Community (and personally from N1 and N2) …ranging from proclamations of undying love, to statements of having to go to the doctor because erections were impossible when masturbating … only to have myself and others discover later about the other sexual partners.

Most narcissists (or anyone requiring ego approval) find it very difficult to go any period of time without attention (supply) at this level. Sex and sexual attention is a common way that most narcissists and insecure people self-medicate.

So be very, very clear that if you continue to see a person who acts narcissistically and remain hooked to them, that you are at significant risk of yet another agonizing cycle of devalue and discard (in fact that is inevitable) as well as coming face to face with the gravest of human horrors … finding out that the person you believe you are still in love with is having sex, and / or even “a relationship” with other people.

In the years that I have been deeply committed to helping people heal from narcissistic abuse, some of the worst cases I have ever seen is when people have been discarded and another new partner is thrown in the discarded person’s face, and / or when the previous partner is kept on the hook whilst new ones are sourced, and all sorts of toxic love triangles appear.

It truly is one of the worst human emotions to face … the point blank evidence of … “You didn’t love me …” “You have replaced me …” “I really meant nothing to you …”

I will never forget the words of a dear girlfriend of mine, after a particularly painful bout of being discarded, when she said to me, “This DOES not mean you are unlovable … it means that this person was NEVER capable of real love. It is their flaw not YOURS!”

And at first blush this was HUGELY true – absolutely. However … as I said to her, “Try telling that to my three-year-old inside me who feels that she isn’t valued and loved enough for someone to stand with her, honour her, protect her and love her!”

Back then in those days the thought of being “replaced” or “abandoned” used to throw me into a literal panic. The panic of my as yet unhealed three-year-old wounded child inside me feeling like she couldn’t survive and was going to die.

And I’d react … terribly, tragically and dangerously. Rather than pulling away, loving myself and making healthy choices that could look after me, I’d go in harder … I’d try to force the person who was abandoning me not to … or with supreme effort I’d just handle my emotional crap enough to stay away and obsess relentlessly instead.

And the obsession always went like this … “Why didn’t you really love me and care about me?”

These days I can be triggered, but thank goodness I have done enough healing of my young wounds to be able to have adult Melanie step in. As a result … I can say what I need, and no longer have emotional attachments to having to force people to “get it”.

The fact is “I get” what is or isn’t healthy for me.  And if respect is not forthcoming I can pull away and grant it to myself.

But I promise you this took a lot of development.

And as always, when I have triggers that feel to me like I am regressing back into emotional pain and powerlessness, I know 100% this is a part of myself that needs ME to show up and be that loving source that will heal it for myself.

This is when I reach inside my body with Quanta Freedom Healing, find it, release it and replace it with the True Self healing and resolution.

Then my “graduation” occurs, where that trigger and powerless anxiety just isn’t there anymore … because it has been replaced by a solid, peaceful, full and self-loving centre within myself that does not need outside validation in order to be whole.

But I get it. I get it profoundly … I know the anguish you may be going through HUGELY – because I’ve lived it. And I know how traumatising it feels when you are so broken, powerless and feeling out of control and like there is no way to get out of this pain or survive it.

For some people the emotions are not that intense … for myself and many other they can or have been.

And my heart goes out to every single person who is caught up in this desperately awful cycle – being mistreated, lied to, cheated on … whilst going back for more … and feeling unable to stop doing that no matter how much it hurts, and no matter how much of the terrible treatment has been revealed.

I’ve had people say to me, “If I can just prove he/she is cheating on me I can get away.” But I know that is not true … the child inside who has assigned the narcissist as the original caretaker “Who has to love me this time” is not going to easily let go and will cling, make excuses, and keep going back.

Because the Inner Child thinks, “This is my only chance and if I don’t fix this I can’t survive … I will be annihilated” … and this is how powerful our subconscious programs are – they RUN our life.

It isn’t until we find a way to reprogram our “gaps” – our painful unhealed programs – that we can get out of the deadly grips of this agony. This is why narcissistic abuse is such a make or break deal.

This is what two women posted with last week’s article …

“Is there a way to cut off the N’s ability to sense your feelings of abandonment? If you leave no trace of physical evidence? Or do you just keep healing and just be with the emotional upset until it’s over and never mind that they can sense it or not?”

And …

“As he dangled his new supply in my face, I said and did some things out of character that I’m not proud of. I’m having a very hard time moving on. Even worse, as you say, he subliminally knows and this is fuelling him. I’m now completely no contact despite his efforts to ‘be friends.’ How do I stop torturing myself with thoughts of this other woman?”

These two women are going through what thousands of people are feeling every day … the extreme emotional agony of being devalued and discarded.

The problem with the “normal human” method of recovery is that it is cognitive, it is logical. It involves reading everything about narcissists to get a grip on their cycles, realising that they will continue to idolise, devalue and discard and trying to appease oneself into thinking that with the next person there is nothing to envy, and it’s not real love.

Yet … then why do we, despite everything we read, keep obsessing, maybe even checking up on Facebook, wondering, hoping and praying that their next relationship will fall apart? And as we look on, we also may start to obsess about, “Maybe it will work with him or her … ” Maybe he / she isn’t a narcissist after all …” “Maybe it was ME who was at fault ..” etc.

Our brain can do terrible things to us when it is triggered off constantly by the unresolved trauma that is still trapped in our bodies. The trauma that came from original sources before the narcissist, which the narcissist is now SLAMMING.

This is how I answered these ladies …

“I am so sorry you are going through this – as that is absolutely hugely painful.

However, what I do know (because this happens “for” all of us) that your biggest wounds are being HAMMERED so that finally, finally you can go inside, meet yourself, embrace and up-level these wounds and evolve yourself beyond having to ever go through anything like this again.

That is what true healing is all about.

Absolutely there is a way out of this – it is exactly the way myself and thousands of people in this Community have taken to get past the obsessional agony. It takes meeting and moving the trauma out of our bodies – and then I promise you there just is NO obsession.”

And the truth is we can slice this and dice it and throw it around in any logical way we choose to, but that will never substitute coming inside ourselves, self-partnering and doing the work.

Our Inner Child who is terrified about being left, unloved and uncared for does NOT listen to logical dissections and information – and nor can he or she respond to and be healed by them!

And we need to get really honest with ourselves that our young unhealed wounds are at the helm of our emotions and our Life. Because I promise you when we are an adult, maturely anchored in our bodies, we don’t show up as powerless, reactive and out of control.

We don’t obsess about whether or not people “love us” … we simply love ourselves … because finally we have self-definition which is NOT reliant on the outside.

And that is when we organically stay clear of people who don’t have the resources to love us. They truly stop “doing it” for us … all attraction ceases!

Yes, of course discovering that they don’t have the resources to genuinely love us can be disappointing, but it is not Life Defining … and there is a HUGE difference.

There is no other way to truly heal that I have ever seen in this Community other than to do the inner work. Because if we don’t – we don’t gain true freedom and evolution.

All we do is try to logically manage unresolved wounds that will always be triggered off inside us, causing random and regular emotional upheaval, depression and pain, and we will be at serious risk of unconsciously living out the same repeat patterns over and over again.

And that is NO way to live.

Not when we have the ability to release and remove the trauma from our being permanently.

How Long Does The Cycle Continue?

A Facebook Member asked these great questions …

“Does it keep cycling over and over, or once they discard … is that it?? What makes a narc come back to the original person verses moving on to the next source of supply? Is there a point when they realize they’ve exhausted all source of supply out of one person and it’s time to move on (assuming their victim is still alive and intact)?”

The answer is really quite simple … if there is something to gain (narcissistic supply) then there is the possibility it will continue to cycle.

First of all I want to cover off a bit regarding being a source of narcissistic supply, so that we can take the “romance” out of it.

Let’s be very clear that it’s never healthy to be an object handing over narcissistic supply – it sucks your very life-force. To even sit and be with a narcissist for a period of time can leave you feeling lifeless without them really doing too much … that is the level of energetic vampirishness going on.

Being a source of narcissistic supply means not only are you going to have energy, time, emotions, and possibly many resources and your soul extracted from you – it also means that you are the punching bag.

Because the twisted brain wiring of the narcissist can very easily imagine that his or her inner demons are YOU … this means you will be lined up and emotionally and cruelly tormented when these demons arise.

What the narcissist doesn’t realise is that he or she has projected these inner wounds onto you and is really attempting to kill off these parts of him or herself. (This is inevitable once the cracks start appearing in the idolise phase.)

And of course, until we have become whole and very selective about listening to and honouring our own body cues and who and what adds to our energy and removing ourselves from who and what subtracts from our energy, we may remain around a narcissist handing over narcissistic supply and simultaneously be abused, whilst we are in the job of trying to receive love and approval (our own fix of “supply”).

In regards to narcissistic supply, if there is nothing left to gain then the narcissist will move on permanently and energetically – all ties can and will be broken. This happens for one of three reasons … 1) when the subject is so destroyed there is only an empty carcass left – and the narcissist thinks there is no supply to gain in the future, 2) When a better, fresher source of supply that the narcissist can get a greater high from “idolising” becomes available, or 3) If the subject has up-levelled into their own empowerment and raised above their own wounds that were holding them in the narcissist’s energy field.

In regard to number 3) When a narcissist knows there is NO possibility of swaying someone back into being enmeshed and handing over the goodies they will go away … and seek new sources. Narcissists will not exert energy for no payoff. They need to strike and get narcissistic supply just like vampires need blood when hunting … the payoff has to come.

In the case of number 2) when the idolise phase starts pettering out with the new supply, the narcissist may cycle back to old sources of supply who are still on the hook – or the narcissist may just be feeling greedy – “more is best” can be the motto like any addict … and cycle back anyway.

The greatest terror to a narcissist would be everyone detaching and granting NO energy – because then he or she truly could not operate. There is no sense of self to maintain or be “self’… without others providing the energy.

That is why if we all did up-level narcissism would die out.

In fact it is the only cure for narcissism on our planet – enough of us doing this one person at a time.

The Power of the Energetic Ties Within The Cycle

Narcissism and narcissistic abuse is a psychic disease.

I’ve said it before, and I will mention it again – if you have never read the book “Wetiko” by Paul Levy – I suggest you do, because that will put you into greater contact with the energetic nature of things, and what has and is happening to you.

Emotions are not logical, and never will be … they just “are”, and they happen in relation to the state of our Inner Being – meaning how aligned our beliefs are with “love” “freedom” “acceptance” “gratitude” (healthy space in our cells), or how aligned our beliefs are with “fear” “constriction” “judgement” “victimhood” (toxic contraction in our cells).

When we are clogged up with the bad stuff, which is synonymous with staying attached to an abuser trying to force them to “love us”, we are in for depression, anxiety, powerlessness and quite frankly more of the same.

The grandest illusion is we think that we need to complain about, target or change and fight something “out there” – but that is NOT true, because that is not how we create (incredible Creators connected to the entire Energetic Field that we are).

How we create is to change those states “in there” and then we will organically choose, align with and be-come more of what matches our Inner State. (Which is what we are always doing anyway.)

Now this is the deadly “psychic virus” part – how we create is always being generated emotionally / from Internal Belief Systems as a force in the unseen world first before it become a tangible reality in the seen world.

To put it simply, your choices are always coming from your emotional engine as the “choice” and then the “consequences” of that choice becomes manifest as a physical reality.

Identical to the way this “unseen to seen equation” works, so does your emotional feelings and beliefs permeate out into the unseen world and connect and interact with other people’s Beings to create “physical realities”.

It is proven scientifically that the greatest part of human communication, by far, is going on at a level that the logical human mind does not comprehend. It is also proven that there is no space / time limitations in the Quantum World of “entanglement”.

We have ALL experienced psychic connections with people who we have not seen or heard from. We may have picked up on them in some way, and contacted them out of the blue to discover what we were sensing was right.

Just as … when we start to awaken and become emotionally and vibrationally responsible, we realise “psychic stuff” is real – such as going into battle with someone emotionally within ourselves before seeing them physically generally creates a terrible exchange, whereas if we center and focus on love and creating higher solutions before serious discussions they generally fare much better.

Narcissistic abuse is an EXTREME psychic entanglement.

The truth is narcissists and co-dependents psychically enmesh, they create emotionally symbiotic relationships – because both feel deep down that they cannot emotionally be whole without the other.

The narcissist needs the co-dependent for the attention to keep feeding the False Self – the “I exist” buffer from the terribly wounded and discarded inner being … and the co-dependent needs to try to get love and approval from the narcissist in order to try to feel worthy and whole.

Separation and distance and even No Contact alone, does not eliminate the psychic chords. It can still feel like the narcissist is crawling under your skin, is in your head and everywhere you turn inside and out.

Nobody could understand the level of the terrible psychic takeover unless they have lived in personally.

I have met people 30 years later after no physical contact who still feel like the narcissist moves through them daily like a black icy ink.

One lady posted this on last week’s blog, quoting and in response to my brief explanation of the psychic phenomenon of narcissistic abuse …

“And creepily even if you just energetically emotionally hurt without creating any physical evidence … then still at a subconscious level the narcissist feels it, remains “fed” and will keep doing whatever provides ‘the feed’…”

Please explain. I don’t doubt that this is true, but I’m not sure of the remedy.”

Now this is where I want to really level with you about psychic symbiotic enmeshment. People often like to think they are being “psychically attacked” by the narcissist – but truly this is the victim’s perspective. There are two halves to any psychic bind, and if one half is taken away there is no connection.

The true source of connection is “powerlessness” from the narcissist and from you.

Let me explain … narcissists cannot generate their own power as an individual. They NEED people to get energy and attention (physic, mental, emotional or physical) or they are rendered emotionally null and void.

The narcissist is NOT going to become a True Source to self, which would mean taking radical 100% responsibility to meet and be with his or her wounds, clean them up, reinstate the True Inner Being and drop the ego (False Self) for good.

If the person is suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder that is not going to happen.

And here is the HUGE spiritual lesson, awakening and evolution opportunity for us as co-dependents. We are face to face with a hopeless situation … and it’s this … if we are lucky enough to realise that the narcissist is INCAPABLE of changing, we are still so broken, shattered and psychically vandalised that we can’t exorcise the narcissist out of head, body, being and emotions.

We are obsessing in ways that frighten us, can cause us to hand our power over and can make it feel impossible to break free and get on with our lives.

The reason we are still the other half of the psychic bind is because we are still in the lower vibrational pull of “powerlessness” – which is the hellish energetic domain where the narcissist lives and plays.

Our powerlessness is to do with, “I have assigned another person as responsible for giving me myself”, meaning that WE are not taking radical 100% responsibility to meet and be with our wounds, clean them up, reinstate the True Inner Being and drop the ego (False Self) for good.

And THAT is the only way out of the trance, the pain, the illusions and the hell. When we realise the Quantum Reality, the backdrop of everything and how Life is working through us and not TO us … we get this … “there is no outside.”

How Do We Break This Cycle?

“There is no outside” is the most profound understanding that often our mind can’t even conceive until we start doing the work inside our Inner Being – because it is then that we realise how Life shows up … including the characters … is always about aspects of ourselves.

Life’s powerful reflection back is the feedback showing us what we have already graduated with (what flows), and where we are still wounded and need our own love and healing (what doesn’t flow).

Things get really, really screwy, messy, toxic and even tragic when we DON’T get this.

Because when we don’t, we think that the inner trauma and panic means grab something to fix it on the outside … Yet the MOST powerful and ESSENTIAL orientation is: DROP what is going on and go to the inside – because in all Quantum Truth – there is nowhere else to go and nothing else to do.

When we do this effectively, we realise that our Inner Being was screaming out for US all along. The people who we assigned as False Substitutes were representatives of the unhealed wounds, and were never the saviours of them.

And these representatives (Narcissists – aka A.I.D.S) were the turning up of the volume getting our wounds to scream so LOUDLY that we could no longer ignore them.

This is so important to understand … just because we may have physically escaped does not stop the screams. The trauma is still very much energised and alive inside our Inner Being.

And our wounds screaming (The PTSD, obsessions, triggers, anxiety, depression etc.) isn’t meant to stop until we turn inwards and heal and evolve our Inner Being.

When we stop trying to “work out”, “research”, “stalk”, or “lecture and prescribe to” (change) the narcissist, and get very, very interested and motivated about cleaning up all the wounds that were causing our own powerlessness, that is when we break the psychic connection.

Because then we come out of powerlessness, (False Self) and we start moving into powerfulness (True Self) and I promise you when this happens, we have NO concern, thoughts, obsessions, wondering or anything at all about the narcissist – IF we put the work in to heal ourselves.

This is what is meant by the narcissist becoming Not Our Reality.

Then the great thing is, in our life moving forward … narcissism, narcissistic abuse, fearing others – all of it – becomes Not Our Reality … because we are no longer an injured deer at the edge of a pack (powerless) able to be picked off by predators who cannot sustain their own emotional life force.

And we will no longer stay attached, whilst we get damaged, trying to force them to provide us with our own.

There is NO comparison to the Life that you were previously living when you can emerge calm, whole, resolved and make the choices that do serve yourself and Life in higher ways.

To simplify … the purpose of narcissists in our life is to trigger, hit and energise our greatest wounds (blocks of pain, fear and judgement) that are stopping our ascension into our highest and truest selves.

The confusion comes when instead of focusing on, finding and releasing ourselves from these blocks, we make the connection out to be something else – such as fixing the relationship with the narcissist or saving them.

The soul evolution with a narcissist is absolute – the pain does NOT leave us until we find and heal our own wounds.

When we do that (I promise you) there is no feelings of despair, obsession, unfinished business, regret or pain … rather enormous and profound gratitude for being so painfully emotionally slammed in order to FINALLY heal these wounds, which truly have been limiting us profoundly.

Narcissists are teaching us to learn about ourselves – where we have not been whole, self-partnered and a Source of love, approval and security to ourselves.

Narcissists teach us about healing our own shadows (darkness) … where we are holding fear, pain, judgement toward self and others … instead of being love, wholeness and radiant authenticity to self and others.

The parts of us that weren’t “free” are the parts that the narcissist hammers and hurts and smashes open … so that ultimately we can be.

The narcissist serves the ultimate soul mission by making it necessary to get free from them.

However, what is really happening is we are finally being freed from ourselves.

Answering Additional Questions From the Community

Here I thought I would answer some individual questions regarding this 3 Cycle topic.

QUESTION: Is there a difference in how men and women get over it?

ANSWER: No! The healing path is identical, this being the formula: go inside, find what hurts, track it through your body and release the trauma and energy of it and replace with True Self Healing. (Quanta Freedom Healing process). This is equally as effective as a true healing for men and women.

QUESTION: What is it within us, or how is it that we can so strongly projectively identify with the N’s shocking projections in the devalue phase?

ANSWER: We are assigning the narcissist as the healer of the wounds that they are bringing up for us, instead of pulling away, going inside our bodies and healing them ourselves.

We have regressed to a child who is subconsciously screaming “Mum / Dad (or whoever) please do it differently this time”, not realising that as adults no-one can partner with and heal our Inner Being other than ourselves.

QUESTION: Within devalue and discard, how do you still maintain a co-parenting relationship?

ANSWER: The healing necessity of our inner wounds is even more important when we need to become a healthy, mature role model for our children in among the trauma and madness. Then we are in the best possible position to co-parent and create boundaries and parenting models as healthily as possible.

Read How To Help Your Children Who Are Affected By Narcissists for more information.

QUESTION: If we find ourselves falling into “The Cycle” of abuse, at what point (if any) do you think might be the best time to peel out and attempt to “discard” a narcissist?” I do not have a clue how to break up with a narcissist, or what words to even use.

ANSWER: Any moment is the moment to awaken and realise this actually has nothing to do with the narcissist, and everything to do with the wounds they are bringing up for us. Which means letting go fully and becoming dedicated to going inside ourselves to do the work in order to survive then Thrive beyond this.

Actions state the break up – you want nothing to do with this person, and you demonstrate that fully. You grant nothing, give nothing, and engage over nothing. You simply get as much of your stuff as you can back and move on.

It’s just “done” and then you fully, fully come inside to meet yourself and evolve from this.

In Closing

I love this … what a Community Member wrote …

“I think the phrase ‘no one is ever going to love me that way again’ is a key phrase. When the discard phase comes, you think back on how it was when you were idolized, valued, pursued, and you fear no one will ever love you that way again.

It is devastating. You cry ‘No one will ever love me that way again’, and you think your life is over.

Then at some point, you recognize the abuse for what it was, and you say the same words – but with a different emphasis – ‘No one is EVER going to love me like that again’. And at that time, the phrase becomes not a lament, but a vow you make with yourself.”

Hear, hear!!

There is nothing else to do but turn inwards and start doing that …

That’s what this was always ALL about …

If you want to learn exactly what you need to do to turn inwards and start your Thriver recovery, please know that my next 3 Hour Live Tele-Class is coming up very soon.

We’ve had thousands of graduates had their lives dramatically changed as a result of this live event.

It contains so many valuable lessons, workshops and has an amazing community vibe to support you along the way …

And it’s totally free!

If you’re wondering what you need to do next, how you are going to rescue yourself from these deadly 3 cycles and let go of the pain, this event will show you exactly how.