Finding Serenity
I
am powerless over my students’ punctuality/attendance and my life has become
unmanageable. In this moment, I can feel the misery arising in me. It’s 8 am
and only about one-half of the class has arrived. I could acknowledge the ones
who are on time, reward them somehow, and punish the rest. That’s within my
power, right? What do I do? This is where I can go the way of my higher power
or have a codependency flare up.
I
thank my higher power and Codependents Anonymous for giving me the wisdom and
grace to find “right” action. Instead of just ruminating and stewing as I wait
for late students to arrive (or maybe they will not come at all, further
reflecting on my effectiveness as a teacher) soaking up shame, hating myself
for not being more interesting, more pleasing, inspiring, more disciplined in
writing lesson plans.
“I’m
not enough” reverberates through my soul. Never enough. Then, rebounding into
rage at their rejection of all I have to offer, the richness and flexibility of
the curriculum which I have so thoughtfully and diligently provided. And worst
of all, I don’t want to unleash my rage and shame upon their sleepy souls in
the form of sarcastic comments like, “Great job, you're only 10 minutes late.”
Or “Boy, you really care about this class a lot.” Or “Thank you so much for
your stellar punctuality.” I know that these types of comments and my reaction
to their being late only pushes them away and reinforces my own cycle of
self-flagellation. It pushes me toward my “lovely” addictions to alcohol,
drugs, pills, food, sex etc. and away from God, away from the serenity which I
so deeply crave.
But
today, after saying my Third Step Prayer, especially the “relieve me of the
bondage of self” part, I stumble across a simple solution. At 8 am, class
starting time, I simply begin to question a student who is on time about his
progress on his upcoming project. I quickly become engaged and pleased with the
progress he’s made so far as well as his knowledge of the book he’s been
reading for class. I begin to model directions and ideas about how he might
move forward in his work. I am being professional, helpful, and engaged with
one of my students. This is what I signed up for. All the bubbling shame and
rage has subsided, softened, disappeared (for now). I have been restored to
sanity (Step 2).
Thank
you, CoDA, for giving me the tools and awareness of my “abandonment triggers”
and a way to practice healthy and loving relationships in this wonderful world.
Jim
H. 7/19/2022
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