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When I was a preschooler, “The Nutcracker Prince” was my favorite animated movie.
I loved the story of Clara and Hans. That movie was etched in my mind and I may or may not have started looking for my nutcracker prince ever since I was a little girl.
I was only a teenager when I realized that relationships were complicated and that Clara and Hans’ story was far from reality. In my early 20s, I had already been in three long-term relationships and hoping to meet the one who wouldn’t break my flimsy heart.
Unfortunately, things got messier in my mid-20s and I found myself oscillating between relationships and situationships, between dates that led nowhere and hookups that were filled with confusion.
My life that revolved mostly around traveling wasn’t helpful either. It left me stuck in unknown situations in my own country while it increased the possibility of fleeting romance in foreign countries that almost always ended at airports and train stations.
Now I’m in my mid-30s and happily married to my nutcracker prince. But getting here wasn’t easy for both of us. My husband and I were heartbroken many, many times before meeting each other. We keep saying that although we had endured tough pasts and met the wrong people at the wrong time, we both agree that it was all meant to be.
The endings didn’t matter. What mattered was that we needed those people in our life. We had to cross paths with them and let them split our hearts open so we could make room for healing and new beginnings.
From my own experience, there are different types of lovers we should meet in our lifetime—if we haven’t already. The list is long, but I will talk about three today.
Someone you know might fall into two or three categories, so stay open to the lessons and what meeting them might have changed within you.
We should meet:
1. The one who will ghost us.
This person will disappear on you out of nowhere. The sex was great, the date was perfect, and everything was normal (or at least you thought so) until they go MIA. You question whether you did or said something wrong while staring at the last conversation you had. It doesn’t hurt to drop a simple hello…or maybe not. You keep telling yourself that they will contact you tomorrow, but tomorrow never comes and you find yourself stranded, not sure how long you should wait before you start seeing other people.
Ghosting hurts like hell, and sadly I’ve been there more than once. Trying to decipher someone else’s thoughts and feelings is tough and impossible. And although I couldn’t put myself in their shoes, being ghosted taught me the fine art of moving on.
If you have ever been ghosted, then you know how hard it is to come to terms with an unknown situation. A breakup, no matter how ugly it is, provides you with an answer. But when it comes to ghosting, you need to second-guess, become a mind reader, and eventually act based on maybes and what-ifs.
The good news is that in the end you move on. You learn how to surrender and start again without looking back. You learn that those who care will stay—or communicate.
2. The one who will cheat on us.
Betrayal feels like a slap that suddenly wakes you up to a new, unrecognisable reality. The only question that lingers in your mind is why: Why me? What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with the relationship? You will call yourself ugly names and try to wash off the negative self-image that walks with you like your shadow.
It might take you time to love your broken self again and repair the shattered pieces as you teeter toward a new lesson that might be hard to believe. You might have learned something different if you have been cheated on, but from my own experience, the most powerful lesson that betrayal has instilled in me is the release of control.
No matter how hard we try to keep someone or make them love us, they will stray if they want to. I can’t stress this enough.
So why worry and drown in fear when in fact other people’s emotions, thoughts, and choices are beyond our control? So chill, be happy, definitely make them happy, but know when and how to let things be without overthinking.
3. The one who will let us lose ourselves.
Losing myself in a past relationship is by far the worst experience I have ever endured. When I left the relationship, I was an entirely different person; I couldn’t recognize myself. What were my likes or dislikes? Like Maggie in “Runaway Bride,” I didn’t know how I liked my eggs (probably like my partner did). I lost friends, hobbies, and dreams. I felt like I was starting from zero and recreating myself all over again.
If you’ve been there, you know it’s ugly. Trying to find yourself among the shattered pieces of your broken heart is like trying to find a needle in a haystack. You want to grieve your lover’s absence but you’re too busy grieving the death of yourself. So you plod toward your healing and learn that you shouldn’t disconnect from yourself in the process of connecting with someone else.
However, sometimes that disconnection is meant to happen so we can look at ourselves in a new light. We will find new parts of ourselves that we promise to keep. We will discover new hobbies or regain old ones. We will strengthen our friendships and reflect on all our relationships.
Most importantly, we will learn to stay true to our values. Being with a partner who lets us go astray is necessary so we can learn how to find our way back home. You are your home; don’t lose your way again.
~
AUTHOR: ELYANE YOUSSEF
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