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“We need to rebrand vulnerability and emotion. A vulnerable man is not some weird anomaly. He is open to hurt but also open to love.” ~ Grayson Perry
I know vulnerability is seen as a weakness.
Showing and experiencing emotion is seen as something women do. There’s still a stigma in society around a man who is in touch with his emotions. Still this insidious idea that to be a man, one must be stoic. One must hide his pain. Bury his feelings. Still this ridiculous belief that women do not want a vulnerable man.
I am a woman and I’m here to say I love vulnerability in a man. I’m here to say stop listening to fearful, shattered men with microphones tell you what women want because as a woman, I’m telling you they are wrong. I’m saying I love a man who can be open and honest about how he’s feeling. I respect the courage it takes for a man to be vulnerable in a society broken by the patriarchy. Vulnerable men are sexy. They are like a sunflower rustled in amongst the toxic weeds. Crystal scattered amongst plastic. A rare gem sprinkled amongst the ordinary.
Now let me make something clear from the outset. I’m not talking about bitterness, resentment, jealousy, and anger when I speak of vulnerability. Yes, these, too, are emotions, but these particular emotions arise when one is not in touch with their feelings. When someone does not have the emotional maturity to communicate their feelings. These fester when one repeatedly buries their hurt, sadness, and pain until it erupts. When someone hasn’t recognised their wounding and trauma and how it impacts them and others. When there’s no self-awareness.
I’m also not talking about constant negativity or men who use their partners as emotional punching bags. No, this is unhealthy and what happens when one fears or refuses to be vulnerable. This is the closed off man who leaves a trail of destruction behind him.
What I am talking about is a man who can bravely say “I’m struggling and need help.” Who can admit they feel hurt or sad. Who can cry at their wedding, at the birth of their child, at the breakdown of a relationship because they feel love deeply. Who cares enough to be in the trenches when a loved one is sick. Who knows how to be emotionally supportive. Who can look their partner in the eye and allow her to see all the rawness and messiness. Who can say “I’m not okay and I’m going to get therapy.” Who has the strength of character and emotional availability to be completely honest about how he feels.
This is what an emotionally healthy woman wants. Why? Because we know the stoic man lacks the capacity to heal and grow with us. We know he doesn’t want to change, nor does he think he has to. We know that a man who cannot be vulnerable is a man who cannot be completely honest because he’s always hiding parts of himself. We know that we are all human, and as humans we feel and experience difficult, challenging, painful stuff, and if we don’t process these things in healthy ways, we are compartmentalising and burying, which will only lead to that anger, bitterness, and resentment down the track. We don’t want a man who cannot show his hurt and sadness because we know that man will be unable to fully give of himself wholly. If he can’t feel and show his pain, how can he possible feel and show real love? We don’t want an emotionally stunted man. A man hiding behind a facade. Half a man.
There’s a reason why the rate of suicide is increasing in men. Some men blame women for this. Some men blame feminism for this. Some men want to blame anyone and everyone rather than look at the bigger picture. What is the bigger picture? Men cannot heal and grow in a society that diminishes them for being vulnerable. Men lack community. They lack safe spaces to speak their truth and feel supported. Far too many men lack the capacity to be emotionally available to a mate. It’s another reason why men who are married live longer. It’s so clear, yet men cannot see it. Women keep telling men this, yet they dismiss us.
The inability to be vulnerable is not only destroying men, it’s killing them and it’s sometimes killing their partners. The idea that men should hide their feelings and be emotionless is why we have men exploding in anger all over the place. It’s the reason there is so much hate in the world. The reality is nobody can healthily hide their emotions and this drive to do so is destructive.
A vulnerable man is a healthy masculine man.
He knows who he is. He knows how he feels and can clearly articulate his feelings. He’s confident and secure in himself and his relationships. He attracts emotionally healthy women. He understands that if he feels the need to control, he has some insecurities to work on. He sees ego for what it is and doesn’t let it take over. His only competition is himself, and he’s focused on always being a better man. A better partner and a better father. He sees his partner as equal in every way and respects her goals and dreams because he isn’t threatened by her. He doesn’t fear other men “stealing” his partner because he doesn’t see her as a piece of property to be stolen. He cares about who he is as a man and how he treats others. Not how much money he has. Not how big his house is or what type of car he drives. Or how many women he’s slept with. He knows none of that truly matters because at the end of his life, the people surrounding his deathbed will be a reflection of the truth of who he was.
Dear Vulnerable Man, we treasure you because we know you understand the work. You know how to recognise when inner work is required. You are always working on your inner world. You don’t fear therapy or digging deep within yourself. You aren’t afraid to swim in the deep and murky end.
Dear Vulnerable Man, we are so drawn to your energy. You know how to hold space for us to feel held. You have a depth of understanding and compassion that makes us feel safe and loved.
Dear Vulnerable Man, sex with you is incredible. You connect with us on every level, and that’s such an incredible turn on. You know the emotional, spiritual, and energetic connection is as important as the physical connection.
Dear Vulnerable Man, you are hot as hell. Your authenticity is so refreshing. In a world of fake and ego, you are a breath of fresh air.
Dear Vulnerable Man, don’t change. Don’t let the bullsh*t conditioning strip you of your courage. Don’t let the fear of damaged men poison you. Don’t listen to the scared men with all their insecurities masquerading as ego. Stand proud as the incredible man you are.
Dear Vulnerable Man, you are a gift. You are the ultimate gift. Some women may not be ready for you; they are not the ones for you. The right woman will cherish every part of you. The right woman will know you are the prize. The whole prize.
Dear Vulnerable Man, don’t let your light dim; we need that light to shine brightly in a world where there’s increasing darkness.
A vulnerable man shows up. He shows up courageously and authentically, unafraid to be true to who he is.
Dear Vulnerable Man, we salute you.
~
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