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If you’ve ever had terrible sex that left you wanting to get up and run out of the room and you would like to avoid ever having that experience (or person in your bed) again, you are not alone.
A survey by Edenfantasys of 1,000 couples showed one third of survey participants are unsatisfied with their sex lives, and another study by the National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles showed that millennials are having really bad sex, with more than a third of sexually active men between the ages of 16 and 21, plus 44.4 percent women of the same age unhappy and having bad or no sex.
Why are so many people having terrible sex and what can we do to amplify our sex life and intimacy so we leave the bedroom happy? Read on because I’m about to share the real reasons you’ve had bad sex and how to make sex juicy, connected, and delicious instead of something to avoid or suffer through. Whether or not you have a long-term partner and you feel the flame has gone out, or you are meeting new people and want a spicy, empowered vocabulary to create the experiences you desire, this guide is for you.
While at this point in my life and profession as an intimacy coach I know what it takes to have incredible sex and have coached hundreds of people on how to do the same, there was a time when I, too, struggled with connecting to my pleasure and true desires.
My early years of relationship in my 20s were filled with alcohol and disconnected sex, and my long-term relationships often fell short of stimulating my deeper desires, which were, needless to say, a little out of the mainstream narratives we are all being conditioned into from Hollywood at a young age.
And truthfully, this was super depressing to me on so many levels. I would have these wild, incredible fantasies that would carry me into other dimensions…and then real life would happen and I would find myself underaroused and understimulated, yet putting on a show that everything was okay because in my mind at that point in my journey there was only one kind of ending to a sexual situation—and that was the man I was sleeping with having an orgasm. Where was the sex I was dreaming about, and why were my fantasies eluding me? Read on to learn what makes sex bad, why so many people are experiencing that, and what to do instead.
In my experience, it boils down to three main points that point to one big problem, and I have seen this not only in myself, but in the many people I have supported in uncovering their own pleasure and intimacy blueprints.
The number one reason so many people have bad sex is:
You are having sex before you are fully turned on. Here’s the truth:
You do not need to have sex to end an encounter or to have it be satisfying.
There are so many unspoken expectations that lead to people feeling pressured to have sex when they don’t really want to, and I’m here to tell you, you have full permission to release that right now.
You might be asking, why is it that so many people aren’t turned enough for great sex, or you might be saying “yup, that’s me!”
In my experience, there are three really big reasons people aren’t getting fully aroused before sex:
1. You don’t understand your Pleasure and Intimacy Blueprint so aren’t getting what you need to prime your engine.
2. You haven’t communicated your desires and boundaries, so they aren’t met.
3. You are a people pleaser who struggles with speaking their needs so you just go with the flow instead of saying what you actually want.
The truth is most people don’t invest in their sex education, so you don’t understand what really turns you on or are ashamed to share it and base how you interact with partners on movies or what they have seen other people doing, and this happens even if you are attracted to your partner. This is why I teach every client how to tune into their unique Pleasure and Intimacy Blueprint and how to effortlessly communicate their boundaries and desires so everyone walks away happy and nobody walks away wishing they had done less or more.
Let’s go deeper into what it takes to uncover your Pleasure and Intimacy Blueprint. One of the things I love about being a Vedic astrologer turned sex and intimacy coach is that I can look at my clients charts to help you understand your inherent sensual nature, and then use coaching and erotic explorations to get you clear on what your blueprint is and how to communicate it with others so they can meet you there. Because here is the truth: most of us aren’t tuned into what really turns us on due to shame, conditioning, or simple ignorance because you haven’t had the chance to be exposed to new ways of thinking about your sexuality.
For instance, before this work, I knew I leaned kinky, but when I asked my long-term partner to explore with me, he said no. So I totally shut down and gave up on my true desires ever getting fulfilled. This led me to feeling resentful of my partner, to constant fantasizing about other men, and to a feeling of despair that I would never have the chance to unleash my erotic Goddess who was dying to get out.
But the hard truth is I didn’t have the tools to ease both myself and my partner into a new scenario with trust and grace and so needlessly suffered for years because of it. This wasn’t my partner’s fault for saying no; it was my lack of understanding that caused us both so much pain, and eventually, a breakup.
This brings me into the second point:
Most of us aren’t communicating our desires and boundaries before we go into an encounter—be it with a new person or our long-term beloved.
Here’s the deal. If you don’t tell people what you want, it becomes difficult for them to give it to you. And if you don’t tell people what you don’t want, they won’t have a clue that you have a boundary.
How can you do this? It’s really simple. Before you start getting hot and heavy, say:
“Hey, I would love to have a conversation with you about what I’m desiring to experience with you and what my boundaries are, would you be open to that? I would also love to hear yours!”
I have literally never had a person say no to this, and if they do say no? To me, this is a massive red flag and sign that this person isn’t emotionally mature.
But what if it kills the mood? Trust me, it won’t. In fact, some of the feedback I’ve gotten is how hot it is to express my boundaries and desires because then the other person knows I’m onboard with the experience.
And here is the other really good news: If you don’t like something, even though you thought you would, you can always change your mind. And if you decide to go further, you can renegotiate.
Now for those of you who struggle with number three, you’re probably getting a feeling of “oh sh*t, I don’t know,” coupled with some excitement that this could be possible for you.
I’m about to blow your mind with this breakthrough for all you people pleasers, so hold on tight, because while I know your mind has historically been fraught with worries like “What if I upset them?” “What if they don’t like me?” “I don’t want to make them feel bad!” here’s the truth about that kind of thinking and behavior.
When you “go along” with something even though it feels bad, you are doing a tremendous disservice to not only yourself, but to the person you are getting intimate with.
Let me illustrate this in a way you can fully understand.
I was at an event recently and someone who knows about my work came up to me and wanted me to ask me about a situation he had with a woman.
“I’m happy to help if I can,” I said.
“Well, we were having sex, and she was just laying there not moving. I kept asking her if everything was okay, and she said yes, but it was really awkward and I didn’t know what to do or if she was enjoying herself.”
Ah.
“Were you enjoying yourself?” I asked.
“Not really,” he said.
“Why didn’t you stop?”
“Well, I don’t know, I guess I didn’t want to offend her? I’m not really sure.”
“Do you think maybe she was having the same experience and that’s why she didn’t say anything?”
I could feel the light bulb go off in his head…and the sadness that followed.
“Well, dang, that sucks, I wish she would have stopped me.”
“Yes, and, notice you also didn’t stop even though you weren’t really enjoying it.”
“Yeah…what should I have done?”
“You should have stopped,” I told him gently.
I could see his upset and also saw that this was a confusing and somewhat traumatic event for him.
But I could also see that deep inside, he already knew that, and the reason he didn’t stop was because of people pleasing narratives that had hijacked his nervous system in the moment.
You see, this kind of situation that he described happens all the time.
It used to happen to me as well.
I would have intercourse with people just to get the experience over with even though I wasn’t really into it—and clearly I’m not the only one.
The tragedy is the trauma that happens for both parties as a result.
That’s why having discussions about desires and boundaries before an experience is so damn critical to keeping everyone doing what they want.
As is being brave enough to say, you know what? This doesn’t feel good to me.
Because that can be a vulnerable thing to do.
And you can do it.
That’s why I teach all of my clients how to do this using an incredible framework that helps minimize the risk of things like the above happening.
If anything about this post is useful for you, please like and share to help boost visibility and get this message out to people who need to hear it.
Nothing happens by accident, and if you made it here today and to this part of the article, I want to congratulate you. Healing sexual shame and tapping into your Pleasure Blueprint is an absolutely revolutionary act that helps heal you and sets the stage for generations to come have happy, healthy sex lives. Thank you for showing up to this work.
~
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