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Trust is one of the biggest parts of any relationship.
It can be built and broken. And without trust, a relationship falls apart.
I haven’t trusted anyone, including myself, for most of my life. Any trust I did have was built on my codependency and fear—it wasn’t actual trust. These issues were rooted deep in childhood experiences where I learned terrible habits to coast through hard situations easily.
And it finally caught up with me.
Over the last two and half years, I turned to my partner for wisdom a lot. I trusted her words, but she didn’t trust most of mine.
I’ve been a talker my whole life, not really a doer. A great starter, not a finisher. The art of talking, when used responsibly, can be a great thing. I unfortunately used it irresponsibly. I talked too much, and didn’t back it up. This is where my work has led me to now.
Fewer words with actions backing them up.
No more exaggeration to fascinate and manipulate.
Purposeful words and plans made with intent and actions to fulfill my newfound life.
I look back at the last few years and I can feel everyone’s pain and disappointment grip my heart and squeeze. At least that’s the feeling I get when I reminisce. I look back to the last few months during the darkest times of my transformation and cry.
Even then, my words were empty. Where was the action?
When I started this journey into physical, spiritual, and mental growth, I had no idea what kind of onion layers would start to peel. It is truly remarkable, really difficult, and a daily beast to conquer.
I began taking action five months ago. That action has kept me going and brought me to where I am now—staring into the eyes of every single layer of what I have been over the course of my life. Every day, I reach in and grab whatever I can possibly wrap my hands around, grip tightly, and tear it out.
This past week, I have had to take a long, hard look at my words. How I throw them around and how there’s very little action behind them. One week I am strong and living up to my words, and the next I’m not standing behind any of them.
I break promises, even to myself, and that’s the core of this issue: I can’t break promises to myself and expect to keep them with others.
There is nothing worse than being let down by yourself. I can’t imagine what my partner, children, family, and friends feel like when I let them down. I had some really long, hard cries pondering the amount of damage I have caused over the years for them and me, internally and externally. Damage I refuse to cause anyone anymore, including myself.
The last few days have been full of revelations, affirmations, and some healing vibrations that will not fall to the wayside:
I promise I will keep my promises, or I won’t make them.
I promise I will speak more softly, with more intent and purpose.
I promise I will take care in my thought process, being patient with myself before I speak.
I promise I will speak truths eloquently, with integrity.
I promise I will mean what I say, and be honest and align my voice with my actions.
I promise I will actually do my best.
I have broken my trustworthiness my entire life, and now it’s time to build it.
Just like I’m building everything else around me, I must build it for myself first before I can build it with those I love. I get to find out who I am and just how trustworthy that person can be.
I’m happy I get to start from rubble because sometimes rebuilding something that wasn’t really yours to begin with makes it even stronger.
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