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I’m not someone who gets angry often.
I don’t even feel sad about things that should upset me.
When I gave birth to my beautiful boy, I started getting angry for no reason.
I spent months and months crying over silly things (like my dog getting in the way or not finding my favorite plant-based cappuccino at a coffee shop). If I’m being honest, it was more than just tears. It was rage. Anger. Frustration.
I was furious all the time. What made me even more upset was that I didn’t recognize myself. Who was that woman and why was she randomly lashing out at others?
I was a mess.
I couldn’t for the life of me apply anything I had learned from Siddhartha Gautama, Rumi, or Jiddu Krishnamurti. No spiritual practice or teacher could save me. I, against my will, became a horrible person.
One day I came across a post on Instagram about postpartum rage. Although I had no idea what it meant, the term made total sense.
I did my research and after reading more about it, I felt that I had symptoms of postpartum rage.
That rare condition is connected to postpartum depression and it turns out that some women, after giving birth, lose their temper easily—for many different reasons.
Although I could finally express my anger in words, I couldn’t stop myself from feeling irritated or turning into that awful person whom no one wanted to be around.
Gradually, my anger started decreasing, but it was still there.
For most of my life, I’ve called angry people horrible people…until I’ve become one. Well, I’m not perfect, but I’m not horrible either. I can’t be. So why am I being so harsh on myself? Why am I being so harsh on others? Is anger really that bad?
A few days ago when I was leaving the bedroom where my son was sleeping, I tripped and tumbled to the ground and, of course, woke my son up by mistake. That meant that I had to go back to his side and soothe him again so he could fall back asleep. I was angry at myself. However, that time, I had realized something pivotal about anger:
It comes and it goes just like any other emotion, but the only thing that remains is the damage it creates—to me and others. And I, the not-so-horrible person, am tired of creating damage.
At that moment when I was soothing my son back to sleep, I tried to find the antidote to anger. Instead of blaming myself for tripping, I instinctively said to myself, “You’re angry. Okay. Good. Now see where that could lead you.”
My anger took me to places deep within myself that I had never accessed before. I found wounds deep inside my traumas that were silent and triggered and that I obviously couldn’t see through the lens of positive emotions.
Sometimes we need a negative and messy emotion to carry us through healing. And sometimes that messy emotion is anger.
Anger (without violence or abuse) could heal us, if we let it.
Anger could open our heart, if we show it the way.
Anger could show us where the wound is—where we are hurt and sad and disappointed.
Anger could help us acknowledge our pain.
Anger is not bad if it serves as a bridge that leads to healing.
So, are you angry? Good.
~
AUTHOR: ELYANE YOUSSEF
IMAGE: BEN WHITE/UNSPLASH
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