0
Share on bsky
Imagine running away from a screaming teacher, getting home with a sigh of relief, only to turn around, and have your partner shouting at you.
That is how living without feeling safe can be. There is nowhere to run because it is impossible to run away from yourself.
How do I know? Because I have lived this internal experience more times than I can remember.
A Culture Lacking Safety
In the West, we are taught that to be good and live happily we need to be the best, go it alone, and work relentlessly in pursuit of our goals. These messages are in the media, endorsed by famous work idols, and reinforced by praise for our achievements.
Many of us rarely got attention as children without achieving something. But what happens when love and acceptance feel conditional? We absorb phrases like “should,” “just try harder,” “loser,” “failure,” “worthless,” and “you can’t make mistakes,” which create a harsh narrative that can dominate our adult lives.
Now, we find it impossible to relax. Every time we stop to sit and take a breath, a critical voice chimes in saying, “We should do something,” which protects us from the inner child’s voice saying, “I’m scared of not being loved.” This internal criticism shames us into an endless loop of activity to protect us from the feelings of fear that arise whenever we stop.
The Role of Trauma
Trauma, especially in childhood, disrupts our sense of safety. Trauma can encompass any event that feels unsafe, from significant incidents like a car crash, to subtle, consistent incidents, such as emotional neglect.
In The Body Keeps The Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk, I learned that a crucial part of trauma processing is the aftercare. If we aren’t given space to explore our feelings, receive love, and be treated with kindness our traumas can become hidden in our mindbody.
As we move through life carrying this burden, we unconsciously repress frightening memories and emotions. Our nervous system becomes hyper-vigilant constantly scanning for potential threats that might re-trigger these intense experiences, leaving us feeling unsafe all the time.
A widely-shared form of trauma is growing up in an unsafe environment, whether that means experiencing emotional neglect, unpredictable caregivers, or a household filled with conflict. These experiences can create feelings of abandonment, which often lead to traits like perfectionism, self-sacrifice, or an overwhelming need to be “good” at all costs.
While these traits kept us safe when we were vulnerable children, they no longer serve us as adults. Instead, they add internal pressure and anger, keeping us stuck in a state of fight, flight, or freeze.
Living in a constant state of fear and stress takes a serious toll on both our mental and physical health. But the good news is that our nervous system is adaptable and, with time, we can learn to be kinder and calmer to ourselves.
We Have The Power to Change
Our previous experiences don’t have to define our lives. We can rebuild our inner world into a place that nourishes us instead of pushing us further down. This process takes time and patience, and for some, the compassionate care of a mental health professional can be a valuable and essential resource.
Before any rebuilding, it is important to acknowledge the role that each and every part of us has fulfilled. Every part served a purpose of keeping us safe at some point in our lives, even the ones that disrupt our days now. This acknowledgement allows us to approach change with nurture and care, rather than with resistance and frustration.
There are many ways to build safety, but one I find particularly helpful is treating myself like an adorable and lovable puppy. Do I mean giving myself treats and back rubs? Not exactly, but it’s actually not far away from the truth!
Puppy School
Imagine the first day of puppy school. Nervous owners standing around while little bundles of fur rambunctiously play together. The trainers gather the owners together and tell them the qualities needed to train a puppy well. What do you think they are?
Consistency, persistence, patience, and kindness. We want to bring each of these into how we treat ourselves, especially in the way we talk to our brains and nervous system. Let’s break each one down.
1. Giving our brains consistent messages that we are safe counteracts the unconscious and habitual messages of danger. Say: “I am safe, I am okay. There is nothing wrong.”
2. We need to be persistent in our messaging to create new pathways in the brain that foster safety.
3. Being patient with ourselves especially when we feel unsafe as it can take time for feelings of safety to arise. Say: “I know I will feel safe. I am willing to let time pass.”
4. We need kindness toward ourselves as nothing else creates more calm and safety. Say: “I am worthy. I am a good person. I have done nothing wrong. I let go of any blame and shame.”
We are constantly giving ourselves messages and by embodying these qualities each time we feel discomfort, we are teaching our nervous system to shift from a state danger to a state of safety. Just remember: puppy!
Retraining our brain is a first step to be able to rest and catch a breath in our hectic society. Let’s learn together to treat ourselves like our best friends. There are few endeavors more valuable for us.
What helps you feel safe in your daily life? Share your thoughts in the comments—your experience might inspire someone else on their journey!
~
This account does not have permission to comment on Elephant Journal.
Contact support with questions.