0
Share on bsky
“Be kind . . . of a bitch.”
That’s the slogan on my favorite T-shirt. I bought it a couple of years ago, a quiet rebellion against the grating “be kind” movement. At the time, I didn’t have the exact words to explain why it bothered me—but I felt it, deep down.
Before I go further, let me be clear: I’m not anti-kindness. I love kindness. I welcome it, I offer it. But I’m firmly against the idea that anyone should feel obligated to offer it when it contradicts their better judgment.
“Just be kind.”
It sounds innocent. Virtuous, even. But for many—especially women—this well-meaning mantra can quietly morph into something far more dangerous: an instinct-silencer, a guilt-trip into self-betrayal, and a fast-track to enabling bad behavior.
I can’t count how many times I’ve overridden my gut instinct in the name of being kind—and paid the price.
Sometimes it cost me peace of mind. Other times, it cost me time, safety, preferred outcomes, or even important relationships.
Here’s what I’ve learned:
The instinct to say “no,” to create distance, to draw a firm line—
That’s not cruelty.
That’s wisdom.
Hard-earned, often through painful experience.
Kindness without discernment quickly becomes enabling. That’s where blanket advice like “just be kind” gets people into trouble. Especially women. We’re often socially conditioned to prioritize harmony, to smooth things over, to forgive fast, and to be likable—even at the expense of our own dignity, safety, or truth.
So let me ask the “Be kind” fanatics something:
>> Do you ever feel like people take advantage of you?
>> Do you ever feel disempowered?
>> Like you give and give, but don’t get the same courtesy in return?
If the answer is yes, maybe it’s time to ask:
>> Is this kindness really serving you?
>> Or is it setting you up to be walked all over?
Maybe you’re not even offering true kindness.
Maybe you’re just being pleasant—because your fear of being disliked is louder than your desire for self-respect.
And that’s fair. Everyone has the right to do what they feel serves them best.
But I have a problem with anyone insisting that should be everyone’s goal.
Here’s the truth as I see it:
Not everyone deserves your kindness.
And not everyone learns from it.
Think about it—do you really believe some douchebag hears “Be kind” and has an epiphany?
“You’re right, I should totally be nicer!”
No.
The only people who take that advice to heart are the ones already inclined to be kind.
And guess what? They’re usually kind to their own detriment.
And this isn’t just about women. Men, too, can suffer under this dynamic. And to take it a step further, some women disempower themselves in the name of kindness—and then turn around and blame men for making them feel weak.
No, honey. You did that to yourself.
We all go through different lessons at different stages of life. And you can’t move on to the next one until you’ve mastered the current one. For many of us, the lesson right now is self-protection—because maybe, in the past, no one protected us.
Now, we need to prove to ourselves that we will.
We teach others how to treat us—through our boundaries, our reactions, and our consequences. And sometimes, the most loving thing you can do for someone else is to show them exactly where the line is—and refuse to let it slide.
Some people need that lesson.
If we let everything go in the name of kindness, we’re not helping them grow. We’re enabling them to spiral deeper into their own dysfunction—and isolate themselves further.
So yes—be kind.
Your instincts are not the enemy. They’re your built-in warning system. Trust them.
And if anyone tries to guilt you into ignoring that voice inside you—under the guise of manners or morality—
Kindly tell them to go kick rocks.
~
This account does not have permission to comment on Elephant Journal.
Contact support with questions.