CoDA Weekly Reading

 

My Step Four Journey

Today, I celebrate my third CoDA Birthday! Coincidentally, I’m also discussing Step 4 with my sponsee and working through the 40 questions with another fellow traveler. We’ve reached question 4, which focuses on the moral inventory.

Hearing my sponsee’s reflections has made me revisit my own Step 4 journey — and all the steps and traditions I’ve worked through since. I’m filled with gratitude for CoDA. Step 4 was a turning point in my recovery. I remember dreading it, convinced that facing my inventory would drown me in self-shame. But the opposite happened. It revealed why I behaved the way I did and gave me tools to change those patterns with healthier alternatives.
My Step 4 journey took months. At one point during that step, someone suggested I rate each defect on a scale from 1 to 10, reflecting how much it impacted my relationships and daily life. Reflecting on that chart today offers me powerful insight — it’s astonishing to see how far I’ve come and what work remains for me to do.

Being detail oriented, I created my inventory in a spreadsheet. As mentioned, I had a column ranking my defects on a scale from 1-10. Today, I added a new column with updated scores showing how prominent each defect is in my life today. The results were eye-opening — encouraging and sobering.

Every single defect score has decreased. Some are barely present at all. What a miracle! In Steps 5, 6, and 7, we share our inventory, admit our wrongs to another person and to our Higher Power, and ask for our shortcomings to be removed. I remember wondering how that would happen — gradually or suddenly, easily or painfully? After 55 years of reinforcing destructive habits, could I really change? Looking at my updated scores, I’m amazed, and the answer is YES, we can live in recovery and change. In fact, my top three defects are a fraction of what they were in my life before CoDA. Some defects were removed quickly, and others took time, but through it all I was on Higher Power’s timeline.
Now, I feel less compelled to act out those old behaviors. Instead, I crave the actions that counter those impulses. The urge to react and control still appears, but more often it’s replaced — almost automatically — by a desire to use CoDA tools and choose a healthier path. That shift is a miracle. Seeing once-dominant compulsive behaviors now under control, feels like freedom.

Interestingly, some behaviors from my original list — those I rated lower — still show up regularly. While they’ve lessened, they haven’t disappeared. They are still compulsive. That tells me I focused heavily on the most disruptive patterns and gave less attention to the subtler ones. Now, I feel renewed energy to revisit my moral inventory — this time putting those lower-ranked behaviors at the top. I’m ready to begin Steps 4–7 again. What a gift it is to know I can always revisit my inventory and continue growing.

Reviewing my inventory reminds me how much progress I’ve made. When I hear the CoDA promises read aloud in meetings, I often cry tears of joy — so many of them have come true for me.
Through service and guidance from my Higher Power, I was led back to this inventory today. It’s a reminder that I’m always on a journey of self-discovery and healing. There’s no better way to celebrate my CoDA Birthday than by looking ahead — toward the next layer to peel, the next opportunity to serve, and the next person I can share this message of hope with.

It works if you work it — and you are worth it. So am I.

—Michelle R.
05.05.2025