0
Share on bsky
Because you couldn’t.
It’s not you; it’s a nervous system response called the freeze.
During that moment, a boundary is ruptured, an opportunity is gone, an important conversation doesn’t happen, you don’t ask and someone gets what you wanted, your work or your art remains unnoticed.
It’s a neuromuscular lockdown that you can’t do anything about on the spot.
That’s why your feet stay glued to the ground when really you know it’s better to leave. Your throat tightens and you can’t access your words or your voice even. You experience brain fog and can’t think clearly, or even though the scene is shocking, you see it in slow motion.
And afterward you feel resentful.
But you are a woman and you have been conditioned to think something bad happening to you is always your fault. So instead of blaming the person who just overpowered you, you go into self-attack mode: “Why didn’t I do anything? Why didn’t I say anything?”
The real question is: Why is your nervous system doing that to you?
Why is it putting your whole body on pause in a moment when it’s crucial to say something, walk away, run, or fight?
Well, its logic is different than ours.
I am sure you’ve seen wildlife documentaries where a prey, for example a little mouse in the desert, plays dead when the snake slides fast in her direction.
It’s the same mechanism for us.
It happens when the survival part of our brain evaluates that the predator is more powerful than we are, that if we fight or flee, right now, we have no chance to survive.
So the parasympathetic branch takes over. It’s like a brake that shuts down the fight-or-flight response and slows down the vital functions in the body.
That’s why you have brain fog, maybe a sensation of chill on your skin, or your legs won’t move or your voice isn’t easy to access.
Because when the nervous system immobilizes you:
>> Some predators might not be interested (like a cat who likes to play with a scared mouse)
>> Your body is saving energy, to have an explosive reaction later, when there’s a window to escape
Smart. Except relationships and power dynamics evolved a lot, but the nervous system not so much.
Surviving isn’t only about life and death when we are aggressed physically by someone stronger.
It’s about not getting fired, finding a job, or creating a business to pay the bills.
And for the mammals that we are, with a biology wiring us to thrive in community, it’s about not being isolated from a group we want to belong to, because this feels like death too.
So if freezing will be helpful sometimes, you can see that when your uncle cracks his third misogynistic joke in your face during Christmas dinner, your partner is wanting a sexual practice you have no desire to try, someone you love said they would call back and don’t, or your boss is becoming assertive when he interrupts you during your presentation, freezing doesn’t help.
So how to get out of a response that is automated if you notice you have it a lot and it doesn’t serve you?
You know the first thing that could get you out of the freeze? Anger.
Yes, proper anger is what removes the brake.
Remember, the brake comes from the parasympathetic branch of your nervous system, and it’s immobilizing.
So to put you in movement again, the sympathetic branch needs to get involved.
Yes, postures and movement can take the brake off if you freeze during an accident, for example. But for anything relational, whether you freeze because of a person, a group, or a system, anger is needed.
But wait, isn’t that the emotion is absolutely condemned for women? What a coincidence!
Men and women can freeze.
But it happens much more to women. First, because there are already more chances they find themselves in the prey position because of the difference of physical strength, or because of a patriarchal society that put men in the positions of power.
Second, because in case women would find the resources to fight or flee, Patriarchy had a strategy to keep them frozen, therefore silent: creating a culture where they couldn’t feel their anger as legitimate.
Bossy instead of leaders.
Aggressive instead of assertive.
Big mouth and in your face instead of knowledgeable.
Sluts instead of untamed.
Bitter instead of older and wise.
Hysterical instead of abused.
Patriarchy deprived women from their access to the fight-or-flight response, to continue to extract their vital force in many ways.
So even when women manage to take the brake off and the surge of fight-and-flight energy surfaces underneath, instead of using this energy to attack (whether it’s verbally, physically, or in their thoughts) someone, a group, or a system, they don’t feel legitimate with their anger, or they don’t feel they will be taken seriously with it, so they attack themselves.
“Why didn’t I do anything? Why didn’t I say anything? I should have, I should have not….”
Now that you see how it works, let’s see how we can hack this circuit.
If you feel the freeze is a phenomenon that you experience a lot, and you feel it’s getting in your way, it’s not a life sentence.
Here is what you can do about it:
1. You want to remember it’s your body wanting to protect you. So the next time you go into freeze, notice it. It’s important that instead of going into self-attack, you hack the usual meaning-making circuit. So catch yourself and reframe, each time, with something like, “Oh, my nervous system put me on freeze mode.” Because putting yourself down won’t get you out of the freeze, quite the contrary.
2. Even if it’s just in your thoughts, you want to “you” the person. “You interrupted me, you put me down, you were violent, you didn’t have the right to, you always talk on the top of me, you convinced me of doing what I didn’t want to do.” You want to reverse the direction of the attack, from self-attack looping inside you and containing the anger, to attacking the person or the group. Again, you don’t have to do that in real life. You can do that in your mind, or if you want to go stronger, sit at home in front of an empty chair and have a go at the person. The intention is to reclaim your anger and feel it is a legitimate emotion, an emotion going through you to show you something has to change.
3. If you are prone to freeze a lot, you have more chances as well of having developed an anxious attachment style when it comes to romantic relationships. People who were “trained” to freeze by a neglecting, misattuned, or abusive parent (yes, a baby can freeze when they don’t get enough attention and care, whether it’s material or affective) will struggle to put their needs on the table. They will be willing to wait or “work” much more than the other person to keep the relationship going. This immobility is a kind of freeze too. So here as well, get rid of the self-attack, notice the dynamic, and be kind to yourself. Presence and compassion are key.
4. The freeze comes from the autonomic nervous system. Therefore, it’s an automated response. It’s generated by the part of the brain in charge of your survival, not by the cognitive part of your brain.
It means that talking therapy or problem-solving won’t get you out of it. But a somatic modality will.
So if you find yourself repetitively in a power dynamic that makes you freeze and feel powerless, know that this mechanism can be undone, and ask a somatic professional for help.
You’re born powerful. If you find yourself freezing a lot, it’s because you’ve been unfairly overpowered.
Our society isn’t fair to women and to minorities.
Your anger is legitimate and precious.
Your joy waits for you on the other side of it.
~
This account does not have permission to comment on Elephant Journal.
Contact support with questions.