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My partner and I recently celebrated our son’s first birthday.
And while I spent weeks looking back with a little shock and mostly sweet sadness at how quickly time flew by, I also couldn’t help but think, “I can’t believe we survived.”
That first year of parenting is H.A.R.D.
Lack of sleep.
New routine.
Upside down moods.
Hormone imbalance.
Lack of sleep.
So much crying.
A million questions.
Constant overwhelm.
Loss of independence.
Body image issues.
Lack of sleep.
Zero free time.
Chores that pile up.
Mom brain.
The mental load.
Jealousy.
Loss of identity.
Loss of patience.
Lack of sleep…
The minute-by-minute changes in every aspect of your life often become the only thing you can focus on. And when that happens, it doesn’t leave much time to focus on the relationship that brought you here. The relationship that made you parents.
You can start to feel disconnected. Even in the healthiest relationship. Even with the most supportive partner.
You become “Momma” and “Dada.” You become “Who’s making dinner?” and “Whose turn is it to take the dog out?” and “Can you get up with the baby next?” and “Can I please go take a shower now?”
And the you who remembers walking into the restaurant and immediately spotting him at the bar starts to feel farther and farther away.
I think anyone who is or has been in a long-term relationship understands this disconnect. People evolve and relationships change, and it can be easy to fall into a rut—into the monotony of our daily routines and responsibilities and forget that once upon a time this person who now feels so strange and foreign to you once felt like the most exciting thing in the world.
You can start to believe that maybe your connection is gone. Or maybe it was never that strong. Or maybe it was but…is it even possible to get back there now?
These have been some of the thoughts swimming in my head over the past year. But today I saw a video that put my mind at ease, at least momentarily.
Here are 15 questions we can ask ourselves right now if we want to know how connected we are to our partner:
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“15 questions you should be able to easily answer if you’re truly connected to your partner.
So real quick, The Gottmans came up with something called a Love Map. Basically it’s how well you know your partner’s inner world: their stresses, their dreams, quirks, and favorite things.
Couples with strong Love Maps are more connected, handle conflict better, and feel more secure. So here are 15 Love Map questions you should be able to pretty easily answer if you’re in a strong and healthy relationship:
1. Who are your partner’s two best friends?
2. What’s your partner’s favorite band or musician?
3. What are your partner’s hobbies?
4. What stresses are facing your partner in the immediate future?
5. Describe in detail, either what your partner did yesterday or what their schedule is like today.
6. Who’s your partner’s favorite family member?
7. What’s a goal your partner hasn’t achieved yet?
8. What’s your partner’s worst fear in life?
9. What turns your partner on and gets them in the mood?
10. What is your partner’s favorite way to spend a Friday or Saturday evening?
11. What’s one of your partner’s best childhood experiences?
12. Who is your partner currently in conflict with—or who was the last person?
13. What are some important events that are coming up in your partner’s life and how do they feel about them?
14. How’s your partner feeling about the state of the world these days?
15. What was your partner wearing when you first met?”
Even with the lack of sleep and the mom brain and the constant overwhelm, I was able to answer almost every question without much thought.
It was a necessary reminder that so much of staying connected is about being curious—about asking the questions and listening to the answers, even when life feels impossibly stressful and your patience is nonexistent.
It’s about remembering that even when the person sitting across from you on the couch feels like they’re (emotionally) a thousand miles away, you probably know more about them—their stresses, their dreams, their quirks, and their favorite things—than you give yourself credit for.
And every piece of them that you can honor and validate is another path to connection.
~
author: Nicole Cameron
Image: Claiton Condo/Unsplash
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