“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” – Louis B. Smedes
We talk a lot about closure as though it’s something that arrives one day, like a package finally delivered to your doorstep. We imagine that if we just wait long enough, the person who hurt us will apologize, explain themselves, acknowledge our pain, or somehow make sense of what happened.
But what if closure isn’t something you receive?
What if closure is something you choose?
The kabbalists teach something radical about forgiveness: it has very little to do with the person who hurt you. And let’s be clear, forgiveness is not condoning. It is not saying what happened was acceptable. It is not minimizing betrayal, abuse, abandonment, or disappointment. It does not erase the pain or excuse the behavior.
Forgiveness is simply the decision to no longer let someone else’s actions determine your inner freedom. Because every time we replay the hurt, every time we wait for an apology, every time we insist that our peace depends on someone else’s transformation, we hand our power away.
The kabbalists teach the concept of tikkune—that everything that happens to us, even the things we never would have chosen, is ultimately in service of our soul’s evolution. Our challenges are not punishments. They are opportunities for transformation. I know that can sound impossible when you’re in the middle of heartbreak or betrayal. Some lessons arrive wrapped in blessings. Others arrive wrapped in disappointment, rejection, or grief. But both are gifts.
The ego has a predictable playbook when we’re hurt: punish, resent, hold on, stay angry. And while those responses may feel justified, they also keep us tied to the very thing we’re trying to move beyond. Forgiveness breaks that attachment. The kabbalists say there are two levels of consciousness available to us.
The first is:
I don’t like what happened, but I trust that somehow I needed it.
The second is:
I can appreciate what this experience came to teach me.
The second level can feel impossible, especially in the beginning. But if you’ve lived long enough, you’ve probably discovered something important: some of your greatest strengths were born from experiences you never would have chosen. Sometimes it is wrongness, not rightness, that reveals who we are. This is because being right gratifies the ego. It makes us feel in control. But our mistakes, our disappointments, and our wounds often become the very things that cultivate empathy, courage, compassion, and wisdom.
This is true in our relationship with ourselves, too.
The more we can forgive our own shortcomings, our own mistakes and imperfections, the more capacity we have to forgive others. And look, there is no perfect way to do this. There is no manual for getting over betrayal or moving through heartbreak. Forgiveness is rarely a single decision. More often, it’s a practice. A choice we make over and over again.
Sometimes all we can say is:
I am willing to let go of this anger.
And even that willingness has power. Because the people who hurt us most are often the very people who may never apologize. They may never understand the impact of their actions. They may never become who we need them to be. If our freedom depends on their transformation, we will wait forever. But if our freedom depends on our willingness to release them, then our healing can begin today.
This is not another burden being placed on someone who has already suffered. It is the most liberating truth available to us. Your freedom does not belong to the person who hurt you.
It belongs to you.
Everything that happens to us is either an effect of something we’ve already set in motion or an experience being given to us to assist in our transformation. In either case, what takes place contains an opportunity for growth, even if we can’t yet see it. And when we begin to understand that, forgiveness becomes possible. Not because the other person deserves it. But because we deserve to be free.
A consciousness of forgiveness allows us to see that our process is the purpose. And from that place, we reclaim our power, release the past, and finally set ourselves free.
No comments:
Post a Comment