Today I’m going to share with you 5 of the ways that narcissists argue with you. There are many more ways, but these 5 are the most common ones, that virtually every narcissist uses when confronted.
It’s important for you to know this, because …
Narcissists are not team players.
They don’t like to be questioned or challenged, and they will take arguments to incredible lengths (and depths) rather than be held accountable.
Narcissists play very dirty when engaged in any of these 5 ways they argue with you.
Let’s check them out …
Number 1: Projection
This really is the most obvious of the 5 ways that narcissists argue with you.
When confronted the narcissist will immediately get defensive. You will feel it coming. The narcissist is working out how to launch their attack on you and turn this into you being the bad person.
What follows is the narcissist purporting that you have it wrong. You are unreasonable. YOU do the things that you are questioning or reproaching the narcissist on. The problems are YOUR fault, and the way you treat the narcissist is abysmal.
What hurts terribly is the narcissist’s assertion that you are a terrible person with zero integrity.
Or a nut job, or unstable … or whatever the accusation is.
You will be shocked when this happens because it can be so sudden, calculating and cruel. The reaction is designed to hit your most vulnerable emotional parts.
The projection can be cold and chilling, or hot and raging.
Either way, it is devastating.
All because you questioned something, or tried to stand up for your rights.
Number 2: Excuses
Another extremely common defence mechanism within the 5 main ways that a narcissist argues with you is excuses.
These are “reasons” excusing his or her behaviour. Often these “reasons” involve “projection” meaning blaming you for what they did.
These could be things like, “I did this because you make me angry and I wanted you to feel what it is like to be treated like this” or “I had an affair because you are so cold sexually towards me” or “But I did say or do that” … (when they never did).
Excuses are all about avoiding responsibility, remorse and repairing the damage.
Fundamentally when a narcissist uses excuses the message is, “I will not be held to account, because I did nothing wrong.”
This completely minimalizes your experience of being abused, deceived or betrayed by the narcissist who refuses to admit it.
Number 3: False Apology
When a narcissist says, “I said I was sorry, what more do you want?” or “I’m sorry … but … (projections or excuses)” these are not apologies.
A decent, honest and genuine apology is a full admittance without excuses and defences and a pledged commitment followed by action to restore faith and trust.
Something like, “I am sorry, I know what I did and how that hurt you, and you have my word that I will not do that to you again” is a good start. Then the required action to back it up is the proof.
An apology is not just words. It is dedicated restoration and goodliness in action.
When arguing with a narcissist, you will feel incredibly disturbed when receiving apologies that are not apologies. You know when you feel these words – because of how they land emotionally in your body – as to how insincere they really are.
Then, of course, you will push for a more genuine apology, because you can’t believe these hollow words. You don’t feel safe!
It is then that the narcissist will turn on you and accuse you of not trusting them, having issues from your past that mean you are too damaged to trust people, or that you are comparing him or her or other people, and all sorts of diversions to try to get you to drop the necessary boundary of not accepting an apology unless it feels genuine.
Then, of course, the narcissist will re-offend and you find yourself back in the same place all over again.
If someone is not genuinely remorseful through word and action, then POINT BLANK they are not safe to be in a relationship with.
Number 4: Refusing To Stay On Topic
When the narcissist is under scrutiny, he or she is an expert at taking the argument off-topic.
This is when they will bring up things about you that have nothing to do with the issue at hand. Then a particular conversation becomes a three-ring circus, going down all sorts of paths that make your head spin.
This could be comments about you speaking in a condescending tone, or using confrontational body language.
Really, the narcissist may throw at you any little nasty nugget that they have been harbouring against you, no matter how unrelated.
The narcissist may even drop the bombshell about how he or she has been considering leaving you or has fallen out of love, or that he or she has decided something is going to be taken away or withheld from you.
The narcissist can use emotional distress – the destruction of your deepest desires, or the triggering of your deepest fears, against you, without conscience.
Why does the narcissist use this tactic? It’s very simple – to punish you for attempting to hold his or her insecure fragile ego, to account.
Number 5: Pathological Lying
Narcissists lie … a lot. They lie to secure their own agenda, and also because their reality is so twisted they may actually believe their own pathological versions.
The narcissist you are dealing with is likely to be an expert liar because he or she has been doing this from a very early age. A narcissist can look you straight in the eye and tell you blatant untruths without flinching.
In arguments the narcissist is capable of pathologically lying to save face, making excuses that aren’t real or granting you false hope and confidence in them that is not warranted. A narcissist can also gaslight you so that you distrust yourself and hand your power, rights and boundaries away.
Lies to cover up their immoral activities can be examples such as: “I love you, I would never do that to you” or “It was this person who did that not me” or “This person (or everyone) says that you are the problem, and they know who you really are” … or “You were seen by someone I can’t name who reported that you were up to no good.”
Narcissists also, once the cracks have appeared in your relationship, tell people big lies about you to discredit you.
Predominately everything that the narcissist vouched you do, is what he or she has been up to themselves.
In Closing
I want you to get very clear about the answer to this question…
“How do you effectively argue with a narcissist?”
The answer is, “DON’T argue with one!”
You can’t talk sanity to insanity.
You can’t make what is disturbed sane.
You will no sooner get a narcissist to face up to things humanely, responsibility and honestly than you would get a crocodile to roll over while your scratch it’s tummy or get it to fetch a ball for you.
Narcissists can’t communicate healthily – because they simply aren’t wired that way, it doesn’t compute for them.
This is not about you trying to get a narcissist to understand or validate ANYTHING about you and life, it is about YOU understanding yourself and your life.
Then a narcissist can’t rope you into their three-ring circus – their nasty playpen where everything goes and all bets are off.
By doing so you will discover just how powerless this person is to affect you anymore, or devastate, abuse or violate you.
I can’t tell you how much this is true when you detach and turn inwards to heal to empower and elevate yourself above this UTTER rubbish and nonsense.
No comments:
Post a Comment