On
page 9 in our Co-Dependents Anonymous book, the second paragraph states:
“Behaviors that may have served us well in our childhood are now causing our
lives to deteriorate.”
After
reading this I recalled that as a child I had to numb my sense of danger in
order to get along with my sexually abusive dad. I was small and did not have a
close relationship with my mother, and dad told me not to tell her of his
sexual acts or she would be mad. Since dad was my main caretaker and mom did
not act like she wanted me around much, I did what I could to comply with his wishes.
I fought off the more painful and scary sexual abuse, but without some
compliance he was cold, emotionally distant, and he used this to gain
control. In a sense I “compromised” wherein he could use my body, but it
was in a gentle way that I could handle on a daily basis, and in return I got
other emotional needs met. I had to numb my sense of danger to allow this
to happen.
I
left home at 16 because of the abuse and my family’s denial of it. I had come
out with it all at age 14. My mother believed me at first, but soon sided
with my father, then my older brothers followed their stance and they all
treated me as the scapegoat. The loss of my family was confusing and I was in
denial of their abandonment for years.
Later
in life, after years in recovery, I recognized that I continued to use the
people-pleasing tactics taught as a little girl to get along in the world. I
would numb myself to danger and trusted the words a person said without
weighing their actions into the equation of whether to trust them or not. I
pushed down my desires thinking others’ were more valuable. I did not do this
consistently because a part of me also knew I was worthy and important, but I
simply did not have the skills, knowledge nor wisdom to discern and cultivate
relationships that treated me as I wanted and thought I ought to be treated.
It took many years in recovery rooms, reading recovery literature, studying and
applying the Steps, being involved with service, praying, meditating, being
willing to try new things and be imperfect at it, and to try some more in order
to gain the trust I have today in my Higher Power to provide healthy
relationships for my life and for me to recognize what that looks and feels
like.
I
have many varied relationships today and some get little of my time and others
more. Not everyone gets the same amount of time and intimacy in my world. And
there are some whom I had close relationships with for a season, but there came
a moment in time that we were no longer a good fit for my well-being and so I
had to learn to let them go. Sometimes fully and sometimes they just have
a much smaller part in my life. All done with the spirit of love. No drama
needed. While holding close to the belief I have a loving God who made and
knows me well and will provide healthy others who fit well for my well-being
and me for theirs.
I
am grateful today for the people who come and go in my life, those who fit for
a season or lifetime, and for my sense of self that knows I have a loving,
caring and protecting Higher Power.
Stephanie T. (Indiana) - July 13, 2020
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