“The
gift of experience, strength and hope”
As
I sit and reflect here in this moment, I do so as the most authentic version of
myself that I have ever had the privilege of knowing.
I
found CoDA and myself in August 2019, following the encouragement of my
therapist and at a point in my life where I had finally hit my rock bottom
after 40 years of digging. It’s been over a year now and I can honestly say
that the program and the fellowship have been an incredible blessing and
continue to be in all ways possible. The black hole that once consumed me is now
a glowing light inside of me and as I work my program one moment, day and step
at a time this light shines brighter.
I
was pretty much an only child who became my Mother’s main carer from a very
early age. She suffered in her childhood and projected her emotional and
psychological needs directly onto me, which included narcissism, multiple
addictions (alcoholism, drug abuse, sex / love), personality disorder,
depression, and an eating disorder. I was taught at a very early age that my
Dad didn’t love nor want me and that under no circumstances was I to leave her
as she would have no choice but to commit suicide. I was manipulated with gas
lighting, conditioned and shamed with passive aggressive behaviour, rejected,
abandoned in my own needs and difficulties growing up and subjected to domestic
violence within her relationships on many occasions.
The
program of Codependents Anonymous has helped me to not only face the
consequences of such a childhood but to finally stop running and more
importantly put down and hand back all that was not mine to hold onto. I
honestly believed that there was something so very wrong with me and felt
utterly alone and truly disconnected from the life that seemed to swim around
me, something I have come to term as a half-life. I have used people, places,
jobs and things to try and meet the unmet needs of my experiences which have
resulted in a succession of increasingly dysfunctional relationships, long term
use of marijuana, disassociation, depression, anxiety and a total loss of
identity and purpose.
Today
I live and feel the wonderful 12 Promises flow through me and into my daily
life. As I work through my Step 8 and incorporate the incredible tools and
resources in the program, I learn to Accept, have Compassion and Forgive not
only those around me but myself too. The gift of experience, strength and hope
found in the resources, meetings, retreats, workshops, my Sponsor and all those
in the fellowship have helped me connect with Myself, my Higher Power and the
miracle of life. I have learnt to grieve, to release and to let go and in doing
so I have discovered unconditional love, joy and freedom.
The
Serenity, Courage, Wisdom, Patience, Appreciation, Tolerance and Strength have
guided and do guide me towards the greatest love of all, that of my Higher
Power who teaches me everyday how to love myself from the inside out and the
meaning of healthy relationships.
Grateful
to provide service within CoDA, to those in the fellowship and to Codependents
who still suffer.
“It
works if you work it, so work it because you ARE worth it”
Hannah
H - 11/25/20
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