I believe God wants you to know ...
... that it's okay to
make mistakes. Mistakes are our
friends -- they
help us to grow.
Actually, it is
impossible to make a 'mistake'
in real terms, since
everything that we call
a 'mistake' actually
brings us benefit.
So march ahead with all
the power and
the fierce urgency of
Now.
And don't worry about
"mistakes."
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Our words and our actions are absorbed by our children, regardless of their age. Everything we do and say in the presence of our children makes
an impression on them. We may think we can get away with swearing or
gossiping in front of them when they can't talk, but we have forgotten that
just because they can't talk doesn't mean they don't hear. They are sensitive
sponges absorbing their environment in ways we will never know. Even if the
words don't make sense to them, they make an impression, as does the energy
behind the words. We honor our children when we acknowledge that they are
fully present from the very beginning and when we offer ourselves to them in
ways that model the best of what humans can be. |
Almost three years ago, I wrote an Elephant Journal piece where I denigrated the whole idea of “friends with benefits.” Months later, I was involved in exactly that type of relationship.
What wasn’t terribly funny about it was that, inevitably, I lived out the very warnings I originally gave: one of us became emotionally involved and scared the other one enough to put the kibosh on the whole affair. Feelings were hurt. Mean things were said. Profiles were blocked.
I journal quite a bit, so much of what took place was documented in my own marble composition books. Recently, before work one day, I picked up a random notebook and found the entries that referred to this period in my life. While it’s true that the most human thing in the world is to think we could make a failed thing work if we could go back in time and change a few details, I will be the first to say that I am still human.
So with the advantage of hindsight and a dozen humorous notebook entries, I can easily ascertain where the problem spots hide with this sort of arrangement and how you can go about avoiding them. Consider this article a primer on making the impossible—well, possible.
I am an optimist. I am an old dog who never stops trying to learn new tricks. I now believe that with the right people, the right circumstances, and the right ground rules, “friends with benefits” can work.
1. Be Honest with Yourself. And for God’s sake, confide in a close friend. Sometimes the thought of bedding down with a particular person seems so appetizing that we can talk ourselves into taking on a situation that isn’t good for us. A close friend will usually tell us, in all honesty, whether they think we possess the kind of emotional maturity for a no-strings-attached sexual relationship with a friend or whether we don’t. And while you may not follow this friend’s advice, at least you’ll be prepared for the awful feelings you’re going to have when it all falls apart. Seriously though, it may be a light and easy kind of tryst, but it should be considered with the gravity it deserves.
2. Make Sure you’re Actually Friends. There’s a reason why the expression “Facebook friends with benefits” never quite got off the ground. It’s synonymous with “perfect strangers with benefits.” It makes no sense. When you peel away all of the window dressing, that’s just a one night stand that happens once a week for three months. Unless there is true friendship, with real “friend love,” the friends with benefits option is off the table. I’m not saying it can’t be done, but it’s just not friends with benefits.
3. Common Sense is Crucial. Let’s review, shall we? You and your best friend’s recent ex are sitting at the bar and the sex jokes are making your little wheels spin? Let them spin. This is not a good candidate. The cute guy from the office who looks a little like Matthew McConaughey? Probably not. The guy you’ve known since 10th grade who you always get a coffee with at the Farmer’s Market? Now, you’ve got something! Common sense requires a lot of “playing the tape to the end.” That means, when this ends, which—let’s face it—99.9 percent of affairs do, what will the fallout look like?
4. Don’t Send Mixed Signals. When my FWB thang blew up a few years ago, my person spent 45 minutes on the phone with me giving me an endless litany of everything I did that caused her to want to change the arrangement. It was overwhelming. That phone call, besides being awkward, taught me a few things, though. The first thing she mentioned was that I texted her most mornings to say, “Hi.” I guess I should’ve known that this might’ve made her feel like we were growing into a romantic relationship, but I was clueless. Also, spooning and pillow talk, while beautiful and essential in a conventional relationship, should be avoided at all cost with FWB. The whole idea is supposed to be physical release with a friend—adding those elements confuses everyone.
5. Only Planes run on Autopilot. Contrary to some of the more foolhardy memes I’ve seen on Instagram, there are few instances when relationships can exist without checking in every so often—and this goes doubly for FWB. Chalk it up to the fragile nature of this kind of relationship, but you need to bring it all out in the open every week or so. Is somebody catching feelings? Is someone starting to get serious with someone else? These are all things that are better faced early than late. This one I can’t stress enough. Had I known to do this a few years ago, I probably could’ve saved myself an uncomfortable parting.
Sex is a basic human need, but we can all agree that some breakups and life events leave us unable or just not willing to take on the emotional labor that comes with a full-blown romantic and monogamous relationship. If you can get a handle on these five rules, and your hands on a willing participant, you can have your cake and eat it too.
~
AUTHOR: BILLY MANAS
IMAGE: PEDRAKIMOU/INSTAGRAM
Neither of us was willing to back down first, or set it aside, or even temper our point of view. We had just moved from California, where we met, to Oregon, to start a new life together. But, we’d done so impulsively, without jobs lined up, and so found ourselves so broke we once paid for gas with loose change from our cupholders. The fear and frustration made us hot-headed and impulsive.
We were both already competitive by nature and had not yet developed better mechanisms to manage our stress than to take it out on each other. Plus, it was summertime (hot), and we were in our late-20s (a generally ambitious and willful time of life), and we were stressed and burned out, all of which exacerbated and stirred up the fire within us even more.
In Ayurvedic speak, we were expressing unbalanced Pitta dosha—the dosha of fire.
The three doshas of Ayurveda are Vata, Pitta, and Kapha. While many people might’ve taken an online quiz to discover their dosha, fewer people know that the doshas are little more than combinations of the five great elements (Pancha Maha-Bhuta) of Earth, Water, Fire, Air, and Ether.
According to Ayurveda, this is true for everything that we can see, touch, feel, hear, or experience.
>> Earth + Water = Kapha
>> Fire = Pitta
>> Air + Ether = Vata
Whether we know it consciously or not, we speak the language of the elements all the time when we talk about needing space (ether), a light conversation (air), a hot temper (fire), going with the flow (water), or feeling secure (earth). In Ayurveda, the elements, and by extension the doshas, live within, around, and between everything that exists—including our bodies, our minds, and, of course, our relationships. When you start thinking this way, you will see the elements playing everywhere.
If I had known Ayurvedic philosophy back when my husband and I were so in our Pitta, I would’ve suggested we take some time and space (ether), cool down (water), and ground ourselves back into what really matters (earth). The problem wasn’t with the fire itself, but the usage of the fire; like fire in the outer world, fire can bring people together, illuminate a path, or provide inspiration, but it can also scatter people apart and destroy everything in its path.
In Ayurveda, our primary dosha is also referred to as our constitution and, in Sanksrit, it is called our Prakriti. Our Prakriti dosha is the unique combination of elements that exist within our bodies at the time of our birth. Note that there is a huge distinction between the dosha of our birth (Prakriti) and the dosha we are currently expressing (our Vikriti), the latter of which is more a reflection of our life choices, the climate we live in, and whatever ways we’ve had to adapt to fit in or survive.
Thus, it requires more than a quick online quiz to get to our true Prakriti because a lot of us come to identify ourselves with who we’ve become, not who we are. To get an accurate picture of who we are, one should work with an Ayurvedic professional who can dig further and other methods (such as pulse diagnosis) to help discover our true dosha.
Some of us are predominantly one dosha, others are a combination of two, and a few are “tri-doshic” (which Ayurveda considers the best formula for health and longevity, you lucky devils).
Once we know our dosha, we can use the philosophy of “like increase like; opposites heal” to keep ourselves in balance. For example, a Vata person can employ the elements inherent in Pitta and Kapha to keep themselves grounded and focused, while a Pitta person ought to use the elements of Vata and Kapha to cool, open up, and stabilize.
I am a Pitta/Vata; my husband is a Kapha/Pitta.
Somehow, we made it through those early years—attributed mostly to the fact that the same fire that caused us to argue also served to keep the passion and intensity of our love alive. We might not easily give up in an argument, but we’ve never given up on each other, either. The fire still burns between us, just at a much healthier, sustainable level.
But, none of us remain static throughout our lifetime. We change because we are meant to change. We are affected by the seasons, the stage of life, the climate, the time of year, the food we eat, current stressors, the kinds of relationships and work we choose, and more.
Later in our marriage, I was sick and mostly bed-bound for several months. I had burned out my Pitta, my fire, and had no energy in reserve. More specifically, my Vata energy (movement, thought, busyness) had blown out my fire like a breeze blows out a candle.
My husband, being Kapha, did have energy in reserve, however, which allowed him to give me support, stability, and a foundation to soften into. His Kapha energy is the energy of holding and resilience (what I often call “stubborn”). He’s the “everything will be okay” Kapha to my “the sky is falling” Vata.
Other times, when we need to creatively navigate a problem—like recently when we had a car on the fritz and had to rethink how we’d play out our day—it’s I who brings the Vata energy to the table and pulls creative ideas and flexible solutions.
We get along best, we’ve noticed, when he comes mostly from his Kapha, and I remain mostly in my Vata. Meaning that I remain connected to the philosophical realm where I dream, imagine, and think, and he maintains and balances me with practicality and logistics—yet there’s still enough fire between us to keep it all lit and active.
If one of us shifts into an unbalanced Pitta, but the other does not, then the pairing still works. For example, if I’m worked up and angry, but he listens and absorbs, then I can just move the anger through and out. Likewise, if he’s angry but I offer thoughtful questions and other perspectives from my Vata energy, he calms down.
But—when we both drop into our Pitta, then that’s when the fireworks happen. Though, it’s tempered by the fact that we are moving into our Vata time of life, which offers wisdom and perspective. (And, it’s also tempered by the fact that after two decades together, we simply don’t want to exert that much energy anymore, and we’ve both learned better relationship skills.)
It’s possible to make any combination of doshas work in relationships, but it’s naturally going to be more difficult when both people are the same dosha, in which case, they can easily pull each other into imbalance. For those relationships, it’s important to bring in the other elements into the living space, conversations, diets, and lifestyles so as to draw balance and support from the outside in.
The philosophy of the doshas is first and foremost one of self-discovery and healing. Once we know our dosha, we can make wiser choices for ourselves.
But, the philosophy can be used for so much more than that, from problem-solving to arguing better to growing together in relationships.
It starts with knowing what you’re made of.
·
“Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere. They’re
in each other all along.” ~ Rumi
· “Stop
acting so small. You are the universe in ecstatic motion.” ~ Rumi
·
“Either give me more wine or leave me alone.” ~ Rumi
·
"Humankind is
what it believes." - Anton Chekhov
·
"It requires revelation to show that the First Cause of
science and the self-existent Unity of philosophy are the God of religion, full
of mercy and goodness and pledged to effect the eternal survival of his
children on earth.”
· "Wine that maketh glad the heart of humankind." -
Psalm 104:15
·
“The morality of the religions of evolution drives men
forward in the God quest by the motive power of fear. The religions of
revelation allure men to seek for a God of love because they crave to
become like him."
·
"As pertains to eternal survival, God has decreed the
sovereignty of the material and mortal will, and that decree is absolute.”
· Not everything that is forced can be changed, but nothing can be changed
until it is forced. - James Baldwin
·
“The love of the Father absolutely individualizes each
personality as a unique child of the Universal Father, a child without
duplicate in infinity, a will creature irreplaceable in all eternity."
· In youth we learn. In old age we understand. - Marie von
Ebner-Eschenbach
·
"From its earliest inception the soul is real; it
has cosmic survival qualities.”
"One must not lose desires. They are mighty stimulating to creativeness, to love, and to long life." - Alexander A. Bogomoletz Today I desire to live. I have discovered value in my life. I have experienced personal self-esteem. I am able to feel, talk, trust, and laugh again. I desire to live fully! I can remember when I felt lonely, isolated, angry, shut down, and hopeless. My desires were destructive when mingled with alcohol. Then the pain became too great and I experienced a vital "moment." I realized I needed to make a choice:Was I to live or die? I chose to live! This was the beginning of my spiritual journey into self from which I discovered God and this world. Creative and positive desires were reborn in my life, and I am able to live and love again.God, may I continue to desire those things that do not hurt me.
I believe God wants you to know ...
... that your fears have
stopped you before,
but they need not stop
you now.
What's the worst that
can happen? And if that happened,
what would happen then?
And if that happened,
then what?
Now...if you give in to
your fears, where will
that leave you? Right
where you are now?
And if that's where
you want to be, why is the other
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Dwelling in guilt is like living your life with an anchor tied to your ankles, dragging you down. Learning to accept the things that we perceive as wrong can be a
difficult task for many of us. Often we have been brought up to accept that
it is normal to feel guilty about our actions and that by doing so we will
make everything seem alright within ourselves. Even though we might feel that
we have a reason to make up for the choices we have made, it is much more
important for us to learn how to deal with them in a healthy and positive
way, such as through forgiveness and understanding. |
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