Today is the day I’m going to help you get clear on how to stop handing your rights and power away, by sharing with you 7 reasons why you may be struggling to set effective boundaries.
These are 7 things that I deeply had to understand about myself, in order to start creating an abuse-free life. I know your life can change beyond recognition once you understand this stuff too!
Most of you have heard the word “boundaries” but what does it mean? To put it simply, it means “what you will accept” and “what you won’t accept.” Understandably with narcissists we need boundaries MORE than ever!
But I can almost hear you say, “But Melanie, narcissists don’t respect boundaries!” You are right – they don’t. And that is why they are even MORE important, and why they don’t even have to “respect” them (read on to find out why …).
Let’s jump on in!
Number 1 – Not Wanting To Upset People
Please … please … please know this, the more you comply with other people, hoping that your acquiescence will grant you some of your rights back and get them to stop abusing you, the more they will strip away your rights and continue to abuse you.
“I just want to do the right thing and keep everyone happy,” you may say.
Or … “I don’t like confrontation. I don’t want to make waves.”
And … “I don’t want to risk criticism, rejection, abandonment or punishment as a result of standing up for myself.”
Or even, “What will people think of me?”
I want to inspire you to understand that your life, freedom, happiness and power is never granted to you by someone else. YOU have to claim it. You have to take a stand. If you try to live on your knees, you will be diminished and kicked down even further.
It’s not the truth that your Soul has been waiting to grant you!
If you don’t claim your truth, you will end up being “harvested” into someone else’s truth at your expense.
This is because you are still feeling like a child on the inside. I don’t mean that in a disparaging way, rather I mean this is how we feel when not yet healed up into our own authenticity inside of our body, looking for a metaphorical “parent” to tell us what to do. I used to feel like this – that other people knew better than me. I believed they were the authority of me.
Quantum Law is “be” it and then it “comes”. If you heal up enough to become your own inner truth, power and authority, then you will attract and have relationships with people who respect and care for you as well.
The core truth to move into here is: “I am prepared to take a stand for my True Life. I don’t expect it handed to me on a silver plate. I don’t expect it be all smooth sailing without challenges and growth opportunities. I can live my True Life, and be TRUE to myself.”
You may believe this is self-absorbed. Yet it is being self-aware as well as serving others honourably. Later I will explain more about this.
Number 2 – Feeling Unworthy
A boundary filled with excuses and justifications comes across as “weak and whiny”. When you are working at becoming an empowered boundary setter, the goal is not to try to explain your rights and truth – because they just ARE.
How does this look in real life? It is “I” statements. Something like, “I’m not going along with that.” “I’m happy with my decision.” “I am going out tonight (or whatever it is).”
LESS is BEST, it’s much harder to argue with.
The core truth is this: “I give myself permission to DESERVE my rights and truth, state them and “be” them regardless of what someone else is or isn’t doing.”
Number 3 – Being Triggered
I say to my students of the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program and Thrive members all the time – “Don’t try to set a boundary from within a trigger.”
What do I mean by this?
If you are flooded with adrenaline and cortisol you are operating from your amygdala, the primitive part of your brain, which is very reactive and doesn’t have access to cool, calm power.
This means that you are likely to act out of your trauma bond – meaning the unhealed part of you, activated into cortisol and adrenaline, trying to fix something outside of you, get compassion and clemency or change someone else so that you can feel safe, rather than commanding your own safety.
Of course, narcissists trigger you horrifically. They are experts at it and they know where to hit the inner part of you that feels victimised and powerless and can be derailed.
Recovery from narcissistic abuse literally and spiritually depends on how effectively you turn inwards to work on these parts of yourself to heal them up (which is what my NARP Programs and Thrive are all about).
Can you imagine the difference when (as an example) the narcissist projects all the blame on to you maliciously and rather than you finding yourself arguing for your credibility, you just ARE your credibility and don’t care how the narcissist perceives you?
Then you will discover how powerless narcissists are when they can no longer incite your fear and pain in order to hook you in and take you down even further.
This core truth is as follows: “By healing within what is triggered, I become impervious to your tactics.”
Number 4 – Not Using The Actions That State “I Mean it!”
Oftentimes with a narcissist you can’t talk sanity to insanity – and anything you say may be used against you.
One of the most important elements of a boundary is understanding this, “If you are still present in the problem you are condoning it” and, “whatever you accept is what you will get.”
Standing arguing with someone trying to get them to see the error of their ways and treat you better equals “how to lose” when this person has neither the capacity or the desire to treat you better.
Participation in any way allows them to continue abusing you. Removing yourself and getting on with your choices and life and empowerment takes away that option from them.
Many people have gone wrong (and I was one of them!) believing, “I have stood up for myself!” The real question is, “Why are you still participating, if you REALLY meant your boundary?” The truth is you didn’t mean it, you caved in on it, or didn’t follow through.
The core truth is: “If I stand and participate saying NO I am actually saying YES.”
Removing yourself is your TRUE boundary when this person has no desire to respect your boundary and values.
Number 5 – Feeling Guilty
Narcissists, and really anyone who doesn’t want to take responsibility for their bad behaviour, are very manipulative. They could draw you into feeling sorry for them, and prey upon your sense of compassion.
I really want you to read this key statement that woke me up many years ago. It was Neale Donald Walsch saying, “To allow an abuser to continue abusing is an act of abuse itself.”
If you feel sorry for someone who is abusive, then you are enabling this person to continue with their bad behaviour. They can keep doing whatever they are doing and still have your attention and energy. Maybe you are even cleaning up their disasters for them “because you love them.”
It’s not loving to stunt another person’s ability to grow up and love themselves. We think other people will treat us in relation to how we treat them. It’s not true – other people will respond to you identically to how you treat yourself.
The core truth is: “If I serve the truth of my Soul, I serve all of life and others in honourable ways.”
Sometimes saying “NO MORE” is the most loving thing you can do. It could be the opportunity for someone, who does have the resources, to finally take responsibility. That simply cannot happen if you continue enabling them.
Number 6 – Wanting What Isn’t Possible
If you are using a boundary to try to get someone to change, you are missing key truths about powerful and effective boundaries. They are never about other people changing so that you can feel loved, approved of and secure and safe.
It is about YOU changing so that you just CAN be the change.
If someone does not have the character, resources or desire to treat you kindly and healthily, no matter what you say or do this will not change. It is a huge shift to understand Quantum Law – so within, so without – meaning that you have to align with and make the changes in your life, within yourself, that will generate safety, approval, security and survival.
These changes start with how well you can take care of yourself regardless of what someone else is or isn’t doing. What you want from others starts with self-partnering with care and love.
Your self-respect and self-love mean you don’t need other people to agree with you for you to “get” yourself. There are people who will never grant you this no matter how hard you try to make them – but YOU can.
When your choices start saying “yes” to people who do have healthy resources and “no” to those who don’t, then your life will start to blossom and flourish.
If you feel like you are trying to make someone “get” it, over and over again and feel like you are lecturing and prescribing to someone who doesn’t have fundamental decency, please know this is Wrong Town! It’s time to let go, cut your losses and look after yourself. A continued relationship does constitute self-abuse.
The core truth is: “I am my own healthy source of love, approval, security and survival. By being so I will only accept healthy resources and people in my life.”
Number 7 – Not Being Willing To Lose It All To Get It All
The most powerful boundary setting comes from knowing that your Soul and your truth are your most powerful generative forces of your True Self and True Life.
So many of us did not lay boundaries or did not enforce them because of fears of losing our finances, or our job, or having a falling out with family, or losing a relationship and having to be on our own.
I really want you to know, I have experienced this personally as well as seen it unfold thousands of times – when you honour yourself, all of life (the healthy resources) start to honour you.
This is being generated because YOU are your own Source. Not that person, not that job. When you have a direct relationship with Source. I promise you that you will experience how unlimited you really are.
The core truth is: “After I let go of what hasn’t been serving me, the space is cleared for healthier, better and more durable people and opportunities to arrive in my life.”
In Conclusion
Boundaries are life-changing! They grant you the confidence and courage to be in life as yourself without fear. They allow you to be authentic, open and creative as well as pursue the goals and desires you wish to have.
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