CoDA Weekly Reading

 

From Scared to Sacred

Or, From Scarred to Sacred. I am scarred. I was scared. My life is becoming sacred. And everything that has led me to this point has helped me to create this sacred life. I now know what I want and do not want in my life. No other person directs the course of my life. I am self-directed and pray to my Higher Power for guidance and wisdom constantly.

I like how the letters in scared can be moved to create the word sacred. I like how I have moved from a place of fear to a place of connection with my Higher Power. My life is sacred and connected now and a scared life is behind me.

This Friday marks a year since my two adult children confronted me and demanded that they control me and my life. They said that if I refused to allow them to define me and control my choices, they would end their relationships with me. My children acted as if I was out of control and that they must control me. They said that they were making these demands because they loved me. Yet controlling another person is not a loving act. It is an abusive act. They blamed and shamed me, saying that I was “different” and must be “fixed”. The words that they used and their superior, disrespectful, and entitled attitudes towards me were the same as their father used twenty years ago when we were married. When we divorced, I never thought that one day I would hear his words from the mouths of my children. I never thought that his hostile and abusive behavior towards me would be passed down and accepted by my children.

I did not submit. I did not give up my freedom and power. I was crushed and fell to the floor afterwards, but I did not cave. I am still grieving the loss of them in my life, yet my favorite memories of them are the joy filled times of their childhood. I understand that I can view this upcoming anniversary as a celebration of another step towards the free and independent life only I control.

So, this terrible event sent me on a journey and a path I had not planned to take. I have been attending weekly CoDA meetings this past year and they have helped me understand that I am not alone. I now have a spiritual family for fellowship, support, and understanding. I am learning so much and I know that I always will be. I have learned that my life is just as important as anyone else’s life. I am stopping my people-pleasing ways of trying to earn love. I have learned to state my needs and to ask for help. I have also learned to take care of myself. This is my job and no one else’s. The most important thing that I have learned is that my life is sacred. A poet asked, “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” I will preserve it, I will honor it knowing that my Higher Power has entrusted it to me, and I will keep it sacred and free.

Margaret P - 10/20/21