I’d love to wish you and your family a Happy Thriver Easter, and hope that this is a lovely time for you to connect to the important relationships in your life!
Today’s topic is very important because there is great confusion around what IS a healthy relationship. Many of us never knew!
Also, it can be very difficult to establish the signs of a toxic person. Initially, this can be very hard to ascertain and later, in toxic relationships, of course, there is the confusion of “Am I the one who is toxic?”
This is perfectly understandable because we were not taught ‘Healthy Relationship Awareness’ (wouldn’t that be a wonderful curriculum subject?). Our role models and forebears were also confused!
We Are ALL In This Together
No one is Perfect!
Let’s get very clear. This is not about getting righteous about “Hopefully, I am the ‘right’ person, and they are the ‘wrong’ one.” It is not that clear-cut. We all have issues and stuff to take responsibility for. Yet, even if you are still wounded, and therefore have susceptibility to toxic people, this does not mean you are necessarily ‘toxic’.
You may be like many of us have been: not yet self-defined, or clear in your values, deservedness and boundaries. Taking the position of ‘righteousness’ and ‘blaming people’ which states “I’m powerless and a victim”. Being a person who will continue to be victimised by toxic people until you can heal your values, deservedness and boundaries up to a healthy level.
Also, if you do not heal the need to hand power away to bad people, you risk remaining clogged up with trauma and becoming toxic.
Toxicity is a disease that spreads!
Let’s check out what toxic relationships look like.
The Cycle of Violence
Toxic is toxic, and there are some powerful ways that you can understand what this is.
Toxic relationships deteriorate over time, because they don’t have integrity – care, honesty, truth and cooperation. Without that integrity, any small cracks get larger and wider.
Toxic relationships create a cycle of violence – which doesn’t necessarily have to be physical violence – which goes like this:
Tensions build – the abusive event happens – separation happens, either emotionally or physically – reuniting occurs because of love-bombing or because the victim reconnects – there is a honeymoon period, hoping that things will be better – tension builds again – the abusive event happens … and so on and so forth.
In toxic relationships, this cycle gets faster, more impactful and more painful, until eventually the relationship breaks apart completely.
Okay, I know you may now be thinking, “I’m in a relationship EXACTLY like this! Does this mean I’m a toxic person?”
If you are in a warzone, you will do whatever it takes to survive. Many war veterans got sick, have Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) and are highly traumatised because of what they saw and what they HAD to do.
If you are around a toxic person, you start doing whatever it takes to survive, and you get sick from the other person and your own behaviour. But in no way does this mean a toxic person is WHO you are.
So … who is the toxic person?
The Signs of a Toxic Person.
If you are with a toxic person, you often feel confused and uneasy around them. Their behaviour is inconsistent, and you do not know what they will say or do.
You start to doubt your sanity at times. Is this person manipulating you, or are you imagining things? Do you find yourself making excuses for this person? Are you rationalising away fearful or suspicious feelings about them? Are there things that don’t add up?
Trust these feelings because they are telling you something.
Are you feeling angry and triggered? These are powerful indications from your Inner Being that violations are happening. What happens when you speak up about feeling violated? Are your boundaries and feelings respected, or does this person use diversions, excuses and twist things back on you?
Do they get ANGRY at you, for you speaking up about what THEY did to you?
The more obvious stuff is this person does not apologise and will avoid it at all costs. They are incapable of genuine remorse.
A real apology is as follows:
Step 1: I am sorry (the magic 5-letter word) without using the word salad, “buts” or excuses and said time-appropriately.
Step 2: Stating what they did to you and that their behaviour hurt you, rather than saying, “I feel bad about MY behaviour.” (NEWSFLASH this was about hurting you – it’s not about YOU!)
Step 3: Explaining from their heart how they will do their best not to do this again.
You are more likely to flap your wings and fly to the moon than see a toxic person apologise like this. Their fragile true self will never allow them to be vulnerable and admit there is something they need to change about themselves. Also, it literally terrifies a toxic person to admit to being sorry – because it makes them feel that you will have power over them. They don’t understand how humility and care STRENGTHEN relationships in ways everyone benefits.
In a toxic person’s world – in their separation consciousness of “someone has to win, while someone else loses” – unity is unthinkable.
I want to help you get very clear – you are NOT asking someone to flap their wings and fly to the moon for you! DECENT people have no problem apologising appropriately, and if they don’t, they need to grow up if they want healthy relationships!
A proper apology does NOT arrive one week later when you are finally walking out the door. Or, after this person has abandoned you, tried another relationship that failed and then come back to you!
Anyone can make a mistake, but if you don’t receive a true apology, even from a non-toxic person, then you can’t feel safe and the integrity of the relationship is under serious threat.
We all know when people would rather be RIGHT than in a relationship with you. Your inner being knows that this person chooses pride rather than reform, does not care about your feelings, and will re-offend because they literally don’t accept that they did something wrong.
Another clear indication is that you feel like you have to explain and justify why you should have personal rights, as well as defend yourself against the accusations this person directs at you.
This person is controlling.
They try to run your feelings, mind and world.
Toxic people are deeply insecure and unstable. They easily take umbrage and lash out, abandon you, or do some other terrible act where the punishment does not match the crime. Especially when you try to hold them accountable.
Plus, the goalposts move. What was acceptable yesterday may have changed today.
If you are honest with yourself, you know that grown adults don’t behave like this. They are not as picky, insecure, demanding, entitled, suspicious, unreasonable, vengeful and quite frankly, SICK.
Now … of course, you have become sick. Sick people make people sick. This person is toxic, therefore, will not take responsibility for their wounded self that behaves like this. You are being gaslit, blamed, sucked dry, and made to feel guilty and responsible as you hand over more and more of yourself and resources to appease and settle down this toxic person.
It does not work. You give an inch; they take a mile.
They are never appeased, settled or ‘normal’,
You may take the lead by apologising for your part in things, but the toxic person simply will not follow.
If you stand up for yourself, they may escalate, or back off momentarily, but the next storm is only ever a hairline trigger away.
It… just… does… not… stop. The cycle of violence continues.
Until it destroys you, or you pull away and heal.
One thing is for certain. If you are in a toxic relationship and you don’t wish to be, then it’s time to detach, pull away, and stop trying to force this relationship to work.
It can’t and won’t – but this doesn’t mean that you can’t have a healthy relationship in future, that does work.
What would that look like?
Healthy Relationship Cycles
Healthy relationships also have their issues. It could be argued that a relationship is not healthy unless there are disagreements and even arguments. What is different, however, is that the integrity of the relationship improves as a result of these times.
Let’s look at this cycle – tension builds – the painful event occurs (although this does not descend to the terrible lows of toxic relationships) – time out may occur (or not) – reuniting happens because of the desire to work things out as a team, which feels calm and solid rather than the high of relief that “hopefully things will be better” with a toxic person. Then that issue is often cleared up, and there is no need to fall into a painful repeat cycle.
Healthy relationships spiral upwards rather than downwards because issues are properly resolved with kindness, care, cooperation and unity (rather than separation) consciousness. Meaning, “I win, if we both win.”
The other distinguishing feature of healthy relationships is honesty, transparency, and the ability to apologise in real, time-appropriate and considerate ways. Trust is built. Conflict resolution becomes easier. Respect and loyalty are built. There is a greater ability to build life’s plans and be a team together.
A healthy relationship can only take place if both people are willing to place cooperation and healthy resolution as their goals.
This is why it is so important to be in a relationship with someone who shares your core VALUES and is a high-quality character who can express the values of integrity, care, consideration and cooperation.
Toxic relationships lack these values because neither partner knew how to define them or express them before conjoining. Toxic relationship foundations are always built on quicksand and doomed before they begin – because toxic people have very POOR characters. They don’t share or want your values.
I never knew this KEY truth until I did. Now that I do, I am passionate about showing other people the way home to Healthy Relationships – which is what my 6-week upcoming Quantum Dating Bootcamp – “dating your own soul to manifest your soul tribe and soul mate” – is all about.
What if your relationship isn’t harmonious, yet you hope it could transform? How could this be possible?
Healthy Relationship Boundaries
Its vital within healthy love, to love yourself more than the other person. You may shudder at this thought – especially after being taught the opposite.
You may say, “Melanie, how can this be about co-operation, teamwork and unity consciousness?”
I’m not talking about narcissistic malignant self-love which is “I’m all for myself, and therefore I’m going to manipulate, exploit and siphon you out for my agenda.”
Rather, I mean “I love and respect myself enough that I won’t accept unconscious or abusive behaviour from you. By loving myself enough, I know I don’t enable you to be unloving, and I can be full and healthy enough to share my love with you.”
What does this look like in real life?
It means if someone hurts you, then you show up being truthful about your feelings. If an apology is not forthcoming, you ask for an apology.
You may find this confusing. You may feel like you are asking for too much. But I’m not talking about demanding an apology for someone leaving something out on the kitchen bench – that would be petty.
I’m talking about someone saying or doing something that hurts you. In that case you have to have your own back by showing up and being honest about how you feel. If that person can’t meet you with care and humility then you have every right to say “I require an apology from you and until I have it, I need to detach from you.”
What you are asking for is safety, kindness and respect. If someone cannot grant you this, blames you for being upset about what they did, and would rather be ‘proud’ than care for you, then you have someone behaving toxically.
If they want you in their life, they had better snap out of it! We can ALL learn from this!
If they don’t and you continue with the relationship, then you are abusing yourself.
If someone lies, cheats, manipulates, steals, hits, name-calls or smears you behind your back, you shouldn’t even be asking for an apology. What’s the point?
People either have a good character or they don’t. You can’t teach an adult to have a good character. Who you choose is who you get.
No one is perfect. Most people have attachment issues and unhealed wounds, including ourselves. Through self-love, relationship honesty, care for each other and transparent communication, you can grow healthily in love together if you BOTH share GOOD core characters. You can lead the way with healthy boundaries to create greater trust, connection, and care.
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