When it comes to dating and finding love, most people who aren’t having success like to blame something outside of themselves.
Or people like to hide behind the myth that they are unlucky and just throw the towel in altogether.
Have you ever done that? Believed that there is some mysterious force that has led you down a loveless path? Or maybe you think that the Universe hates you and everyone else gets love except you.
Rest assured, none of that is true.
See, the truth is that you absolutely deserve to find love. And you will find it if you so desire it. No, you don’t have bad luck and you’re not destined for a life alone. But, there are some things you may not want to admit.
There’s a big chance that you are making the same decisions or taking the same actions that are keeping you stuck, the actions and decisions that are blocking love from entering your life. Maybe deep down, you don’t believe you deserve love. Or maybe you’re scared to open your heart because you’ve gotten hurt in the past.
I want you to take a deep breath right now and reassure yourself that your past does not determine your future. That you have all the power in you to create a new story for yourself. That love is possible for you!
Here are 13 subtle ways you may be blocking yourself from finding love:
Once you realize that you do some (or all) of these, you have the power to change your actions. You have the power to take control and find the love you crave. And if you’re tired of going at it alone, this is exactly what I do in my signature coaching package.
1. Dating the same type of person.
Let’s start off with the number one thing I see most single people do (I was guilty of it, too!), which is dating the same type of person. Sure, they may look physically different but, deep down, they are the same person whom you just ended things with.
Maybe they have the same personality or mindset. I mean it makes sense because when things don’t work out with a romantic interest, we typically tend to date the same type of person to recover what was lost. Maybe you felt so heartbroken from the last ex that you unconsciously attracted the same man, just with a different face.
I hate to see this happen because it’s so easy to look past red flags in the first few months, but once you realize the type of person you are with, it’s like a punch in the gut. It’s never fun to have to go through another breakup when the last one seems so recent. But the good news is that you can absolutely change this pattern. You can decide what parts you didn’t like about your ex and consciously choose to date someone different. When those red flags start flying, end the relationship before you go in too deep. If you want love, try dating someone totally different from the ones you are used to, and you may be pleasantly surprised.
2. Focusing solely on looks.
Another thing that our modern culture puts way too much stock in is physical looks. I honestly just want to shout from the rooftops, “Stop picking partners 100 percent based on looks!” Love cannot and will not develop when it’s rooted just in the physical.
Sure, you may fall fast in the beginning, but it probably won’t last long. Real attraction is something that grows over time when you bond over shared values and experiences. Also, physical attraction can absolutely grow as you really get to know your partner. And when you choose to date someone you aren’t normally attracted to, you may just realize that your idea of attraction is completely different.
Trust me, you can absolutely be both physically and emotionally attracted to someone, but the key is you have to have emotional peace. Because if you just have the physical, the flame will die faster than it started in the first place. If you’re looking for love, look deeper than the surface.
3. Doubting your intuition.
During the dating journey to finding love, your intuition is going to be your best friend. It’s going to be your guiding light to that love you are desiring. Your intuition is always on your side, looking out for what’s best for you. Your intuition is going to gently let you know when it’s time to end things. Unfortunately, most of us ignore our intuition in favor of the ego. The ego is a much louder, more commanding voice. Your ego wants results fast and hates rejection. Whereas your intuition already knows that everything will work out and that you’ll be okay no matter what.
In order to start strengthening your intuition, you must find more moments of silence. Carving out time when you can connect with yourself on a deeper level through journaling or meditation. Before your next date, write out the values you are looking for in someone. After the date, write down what worked and what didn’t and be proud that you put yourself out there. The more you connect to yourself, the more your intuition has the opportunity to talk to you.
4. Watching too many rom-coms.
Real-life dating and relationships are nothing like romantic comedies. Most of us just don’t stumble into our soul mate while perusing a bookstore (although that would be amazing). Movies are there to entertain us, to make us feel happy and emotionally invested, but they aren’t meant to mimic real life.
I hear too many women saying things like: “If it’s not like a romantic comedy, I don’t want it!”
While I am all about soul-mate love, I also make sure to have a healthy dose of reality. Humans make mistakes, even those whom we love. None of us are perfect, and we certainly don’t live like our favorite movie heroine. Instead of waiting around until your life feels like a movie, go out and find the life that feels perfect for you. Do the things that make you happy; go on dates and be your confident self. Release the pressure for everything to be perfect and just have fun along the way. That love you are looking for will show up in no time.
5. Listening to your family’s opinions.
When it comes to your love life and relationships, family should not be involved in a close way. When you listen to your family’s opinion about whom you should date or when you should get married, you will end up forcing something that will ultimately not work out for you.
Your family and friends are not involved in the day-to-day of your relationship. Your family doesn’t ultimately know what will make you happy or who will bring you fulfillment. And I am going to guess that your family probably thinks no one is good enough for you, right?
While that may seem like a sweet thought, it’s going to keep you single if you keep believing it. That’s why I have all my clients write down their list of desired values in a romantic interest, without any outside influence or opinions.
This is your life and only you get to decide who to love.
6. Believing in the “biological clock” myth.
We’ve all heard this one: “Your biological clock is ticking!”
People seem to think that there’s one universal timeline for all of us to get married and have kids. But with seven billion of us on this planet, that is impossible. Social media is amazing in some aspects, but unfortunately it just makes this myth even worse. It can seem like everyone around you is getting engaged or married. It can make you feel like you’re somehow behind in life. In reality, all of us have our own unique life path and timing for when events will happen. It will not look exactly the same as anyone else.
I didn’t find love until right before I turned 29. At the time, it seemed like I was behind or that everyone else was moving on to buying a house and having a kid. But I would not change anything because I got to learn so much about myself in my late 20s that led me to my soul mate. So, relax and trust the timing. If you buy into society’s false ideas and myths, you are blocking love from finding you.
7. Reading too many self-help books.
Don’t get me wrong, I am a huge fan of self-development and reading the latest books on it. But unfortunately, I see way too many people hiding behind the idea that they need to fix themselves before finding love.
This can easily turn into a vicious cycle that keeps you stuck if you’re not careful. I’ve known people who take endless courses, go on a dozen retreats, and hire multiple coaches and counselors all in the name of development. However, most of these people don’t ever apply the learnings and just immediately move on to the next thing.
As a coach, I am successful if people don’t need my help anymore because that means they have implemented the learnings and have grown their confidence. I used to take self-development way too seriously and made up way too many rules around it. Now, I love learning about it but also know that I don’t have to be and do everything. The same goes for love; work with a coach or take a course but be sure to also take action and apply the learnings.
Real-life relationships and love will be your ultimate teacher.
8. Envying your friends’ relationships.
It’s natural to have a little bit of jealousy or want to compare yourself to others, especially with social media. However, it becomes unhealthy when we obsess over someone else’s relationship or partner. Or maybe you are constantly comparing yourself to someone and always feel less-than.
Social media is literally designed to highlight the best part of people’s lives, to show the happy times and perfect couples. But you never, ever know what’s going on behind the scenes. Instead of envying and comparing, focus on building a life that you love. Because when you focus on your hobbies and passions and follow your heart, you are opening yourself up to love. You are meeting new people and developing relationships.
Instead of focusing on what your Instagram profile looks like, create a real life that you absolutely love and your person will show up at the right time.
9. Talking yourself out of dates.
How many times have you had a date scheduled but then flaked out at the last minute? Maybe you talked yourself out of it because you’d rather be watching Netflix. Or maybe you got scared of another failed date that you didn’t even want to try. It’s normal to have some pre-date jitters or uncertainty, but you will never know unless you actually go on the date. It makes me sad when I think of the modern-day, flakey culture. That now it’s seemingly okay to just cancel on someone last minute or completely ghost them.
Although it may be the norm now, don’t be one of those people.
Actually follow through on the plans you make. Show up with your best face forward and know that you’ll be okay no matter what happens. Because the cold, hard truth is that you are not going to find love just sitting on your couch.
10. Relying on first impressions.
Another unfortunate side effect of social media is that we are all way too reliant on first impressions. How someone looks or talks when we first meet them. Sure, first impressions are important in some aspects, but they aren’t everything. Especially when it comes to dating and finding love.
Usually, both people on first dates are understandably nervous and not their typical self. And it’s not in anyone’s best interest to share their entire life story when they first meet someone. The connection grows over time as you both feel comfortable to open up. I see way too many people write off potential love interests because of a small annoyance or because they didn’t look exactly like their picture.
This is no doubt blocking you from finding love. What if instead, you were completely in the moment and decided to see where the connection goes? What if you went on a second date even if you weren’t 100 percent sure? This is where trusting your intuition comes in in a big way. It’s okay to feel unsure after the first, or even first few dates. A slow build always leads to longer relationships in the end.
11. Not balancing emotional and physical connection.
This goes back to the earlier point of purely focusing on looks. And something I see way too often is people confusing physical connection for a real relationship. Long-term and meaningful relationships are built on both the emotional and physical connection. Unfortunately, I see way too many people wanting an emotional connection from someone who just wants the physical, or vice versa.
This is why it’s so important to establish this early on and be honest about what you’re looking for. Don’t be one of those who say, “I’ll just have fun and see where it goes” because that never works out.
Either you or the other person will start to get invested and then heartbroken when feelings aren’t reciprocated. And you deserve someone who loves and appreciates all parts of you. Someone who is attracted to you but also there for you when you’re feeling down. Someone who gives you butterflies and can provide a shoulder to cry on.
Trust me, when life hits a rough patch, you’re going to need that emotional support more than ever. Look for a connection on both these levels, and you will find the love you want.
12. Falling in love too fast.
Falling in love too fast is another trap by the ego. The ego wants to know right away whether something will work out or not. The ego wants to know if you’re going to be hurt so it can protect you. Many people believe that if they fall in love right away and go all in, the other person has to reciprocate. When people fall in love fast, it usually stems from a deeper insecurity rather than desire or long-lasting love.
People also use this as an excuse to ignore red flags early on. But red flags never, ever disappear; they only get more obvious. Or they disappear for a little bit but then suddenly show back up when things start to get serious. I know it can feel tempting to go all in and put your heart on the line, but you also have to have that healthy dose of reality. I am a firm believer that the best relationships are built on a solid foundation of friendship. Someone whom you have really gotten to know and let the attraction develop slowly. If you want to find a life partner, what’s the rush anyway?
We all know that those societal timelines are myths anyway!
13. Not seeking support.
Falling in love and finding a life partner is a huge, life-changing event. It’s something that is going to affect you for years to come, so don’t go it alone.
Love is something that connects all of us humans. It brings us together, and it’s something that we all desire. So, when things get rough, don’t bottle it up inside. Talk to a trusted friend and lean on them for support. If you’re experiencing a heartbreak, schedule that friend’s dinner you keep putting off. You will be amazed at how everyone pretty much goes through the same things.
We all share insecurities and doubts. And the number one tip for you is to hire a coach to get you ready for the dating world. That’s exactly why I created the program that I did, to help amazing people just like you find the love they are craving.
Because every single one of us deserves to find that special person.
Let me guide you to your most confident self that is in there and have you attracting high quality partners in no time.
~
X
This account does not have permission to comment on Elephant Journal.
Contact support with questions.
This quote sums perfectly what I’ve been seeking. #visionboard
Reply