CoDA Weekly Reading

 

Happy to Be Here

I’m so happy to be here! CoDA was casually mentioned to me by a friend while she was talking about her life. That word instantly caught my attention and I wanted to know more but I was embarrassed to ask and to be judged. I have heard that word almost all my life but never really understood it. One day I decided to text her to ask how I can be a part of CoDA. It was the best thing I ever did for myself.

I have been a codependent all my life. My dad was a functional alcoholic and my mom always tried to control his drinking. I saw arguments turning into violence, fights turning into name calling. My parents were A-L-W-A-Y-S fighting. I told myself, "When I'm older I will never have this in my family". Here I am... married to an alcoholic and a covert narcissist (13 years and 3 kids later).

I was focused on changing my husband and bringing that normalcy I always craved, I kept controlling him until one day I couldn't anymore. I started googling "how to deal with alcoholic husbands to maintain peace at home" and variations of the same. The internet and social media started pooping similar content to my feed and I got more interested in learning. I learnt about healing myself; it took months to understand what was happening to me. I read books, watched reels and videos on narcs and co-dependents. All these months have been guiding me to this day, slowly educating myself in this healing process.

Listening to others' stories has made it clear that I'm not at fault. I gravitated towards what I subconsciously was familiar with. I kept thinking "I need to break this cycle". By practicing 1-2 things consciously and carefully every day, I started changing. It was hard at first and did not feel natural but "fake it till you make it" played in my mind.

Today I know better. I control my emotions and reactions so I can change. It now feels natural; I don't rehearse before speaking. I'm focused on making sure I'm my best version to my kids and teaching them what healthy relations look and feel like so when the time comes, they choose healthy and not what they saw growing up. I continue to learn and incorporate my teachings to them in everyday life. I'm practicing what I preach. My goal is now to help myself and my kids.

I have only attended two meetings so far; I cannot imagine what more meetings will bring to me. I'm so grateful to be in this community where we all help each other heal. I even got my husband to attend his very first AA online. I read the literature on coda.org, I learned that my qualities are actually the characteristics of Codependency!

I'm so thankful for all the prayers in the program; those are my prayers now. I look forward to meeting my new self and raising happy healthy children. I cannot thank my CoDA family enough! Step one Prayer - In this moment, I do not have to control anyone, including me. And if I feel uncomfortable with what another person is doing or not doing, I can remind myself that I am powerless over this person and I am powerless over my compulsions to act in inappropriate ways.

Sonia – 11/29/2023