0
Share on bsky
It starts out innocent enough.
A passive comment about the dishes in the sink or the shoes thrown in the hallway.
A small request to put the clean clothes in the dryer when the buzzer goes off or to call the vet to set up that appointment.
A simple question about weekend plans or what to watch on TV or whose turn it is to make dinner.
Then, slowly, we find ourselves repeating the same thing to our partner. Over and over again.
Can you please do this?
Can you stop forgetting to do that?
Why do I have to keep reminding you about this?
Why don’t you seem to care enough about that?
Do you ever listen to me when I speak?
Do you even see me?
And before we’re aware it’s even happening, we’re in the middle of a full-on argument. Again. About the same handful of seemingly minor issues that we always fight about.
Except now, those issues don’t seem so minor. In fact, they seem to be taking up all the energy in the room and in our brain. We can’t stop obsessing over how he never hears us when we ask him to wipe the kitchen counters or replace the paper towel roll. Or how she constantly asks if we’re still playing golf on Saturday with our buddies when she knows we have a standing T-time. Or how they never give us their full attention when we’re sharing how stressed we are about work or how overwhelmed we are with everything that needs to be done around the house.
We can feel the anger, the disappointment, the resentment bubbling up inside of us. But we also feel a little ridiculous, maybe even a little ashamed, because why the hell are we fighting about dirty dishes? Or weekend plans? Or who should call the vet?
How can something so mundane feel like a breaking point in our relationship? A relationship that two years, or two months, or two minutes ago felt so safe and healthy?
Well, because it’s not about the dishes—even when it is.
I recently watched an episode of the Oprah Podcast titled, “The 3 Things Every Human Wants with Esther Perel,” and they discussed three things every couple is fighting for in relationship, even when they’re fighting about something else.
Next time you find yourself raging about the laundry or dinner or some small, seemingly insignificant comment your partner made, remember this:
View this post on Instagram
“Why does it seem that couples fight over and over about the same thing?
Because they’re actually fighting not about certain things but they’re fighting for certain things. If you think you’re fighting about, then you think you’re arguing about, you know, why did you put the straw in this glass? And now we’re having a whole argument about the straw.
It’s not about the straw.
No. What people are typically fighting for, I think, can be summarized in three basic things. It’s based on the work of Howard Markman. But people fight over:
Power and Control
Whose decisions matter more, who has the priorities. You know, you hear it in sentences on the podcast all the time. People say, you don’t value my contributions with the children. You constantly undermine me. We are doing everything on your terms. We have sex when you want. We live where you want. We travel where you want. You’re the boss.
Closeness and Care
Trust. Do you have my back? Can I rely on you? Can I lean on you? And what we hear is, I open myself, I share my anxiety, and instead of supporting me, you fly back in my face…you’re not my soft place to fall. And then when your mother says things about me, instead of protecting me, you ally with her?
Respect and Recognition
Meaning, do you value me? Is my contribution recognized? Do I matter? And that is sentences like, I do so much and I don’t think you ever value me. When you want to go see people, you just go without even checking in with me. Like you’re unilaterally making your choices.”
Recognizing what we’re fighting for doesn’t necessarily mean all the mundane arguments will stop—I mean, someone has to do the dishes, right? And it also doesn’t mean that we’ll be able to communicate all this to our partners. Because let’s be honest: it’s so much easier to fuss about the small things than it is to look our partner in the eye when we’re feeling hurt and vulnerable and tell them we don’t feel valued or seen.
But at least we can admit, even if it’s just to ourselves—even if it’s for the first time—what we truly need in our relationship.
And there’s nothing small or mundane about that.
~
author: Nicole Cameron
Image: Jessica Felicio/Unsplash
This account does not have permission to comment on Elephant Journal.
Contact support with questions.