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My heart was broken when I was discarded by the man I had been with for several years.
I’m speaking of “discard” rather than “break up” because a discard is when somebody decides to let you go suddenly, without apparent warnings and without bringing any desire of repair to the relationship.
This often happens when you are experiencing a big or a difficult time because something of importance happened in your life (loss, sickness, an exam, major milestone, and so on).
A discard in fact is not a “breakup.” It is a unilateral, quick decision, of releasing you out of their lives—and it is often followed by not mentioning it or where you now are to friends or acquaintances.
This experience made me reflect hugely on my past choices in that relationship.
I wanted to understand why I found myself in such a situation. I realized that there definitely were red flags in that connection—and from the start. There were behaviours I allowed while knowing at the same time they weren’t right; they were in fact dimming part of my light. We become active victims by remaining where we know we shouldn’t. We may stay because we end up thinking that “this is normal” or that this is what they deserve in life. This is how ascendency and control work in relationships.
So, why did I stay? Of course, multiple reasons. One was love. Another one was believing in love, in people, in general. No, what I was feeling about him sometimes couldn’t be true. He couldn’t be that. Love couldn’t become dark. I also stayed because I was always second-guessing myself. I always wanted to grow so that maybe one day, if I was super woman and I was all day as impeccable as a saint, that would give him the right energy to be himself, a King. I tried. I did my best. I learned a lot. But one day, “learning” became silencing myself—censoring myself to not trigger him, lying to people about what was going on, thinking the little breadcrumbs I was receiving signified hope, love, a promise.
Deep down, I thought love could heal everything. Well let me tell you—it can’t. You can’t love somebody out of their wounds.
Now, here is what I learned. At this stage of human history, people don’t precisely “need” to be in relationships. Instead, they are seeking healthy, aligned bonds that will bring more to their joy than being single. They don’t want to compromise the health of their nervous systems anymore, their energetic signature, or their inner alignment for love. They have understood joy is reachable on their own, so they are not ready to risk inner emotional health for an external possibility.
Here are six reasons a relationship that doesn’t respect your inner peace isn’t right for you.
1. Being in a relationship with someone who makes you walk on eggshells to preserve peace will insidiously steal your joy; in fact, you will lose your spontaneity and the freedom to be yourself to avoid an argument, one more drama, or threats of violence or intimidation.
2. Being in a relationship with someone who makes you doubt your own judgment because they show a whole different facet of themselves to the world will slowly undermine your self-confidence, your inner peace, and it will create unneeded overthinking, while this time and energy could be used to create, work on your projects, thrive, enjoy yourself or your communities.
3. A relationship which steals your energy from constant drama, having to think of it all day to understand what’s going on, reliving situations on your end to understand, always thinking it is your fault, simply takes from your work, your passions, your life mission— therefore restricts your capacity to create and thrive, therefore making you become less and less autonomous, less and less capable to leave. It is simply math.
4. Being in a relationship with someone who can’t commit, doesn’t know what they want with you, aren’t sure of this or that important life decision…will draw you into their own confusion. Their lack of direction will make you lose your own, and you will lose time trying to see if they’ll find clarity, if things change. People don’t want to date projects now but adults who know what they want out of a relationship and have already thought about important questions. People whose heads are undecided about key matters have to define what they want before wanting daily access to someone who knows.
5. Being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to be naked, vulnerable, real with you will only be nice for awhile. After the first stage of mutual discovery, you will want to share true stories of your day, real feelings, what makes you dream, what hurts. You will find yourself sharing way more than they do as they don’t want to drop into their hearts. After months or years, you will realize you don’t truly know this person, only a superficial layer of them. The only layer they are truly ready to meet. Being with someone who hasn’t met themselves will make you feel alone in the relationship. They will become roommates. Their heart will always remain away from you.
6. Being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t have healthy communication skills will render any hard conversation impossible. Those who negate issues, give silent treatment when triggered, close their hearts when a difficult topic is brought to the table, give you the responsibility for any couple’s struggle, still function from the egoic sense of the self primarily. Rather than wanting resolution based on shared responsibility, meaning “we have a common issue and we are going to solve it together,” they constantly seek “right or wrong.” They need to be declared right. Rather than learning, they want to preserve an image of being “impeccable.”
In a nutshell, I’d say that there is a fine line between “healthy arguments in couples” (well, please have some!) and toxic bondings. If you are in the latter group, I hope one day you can see it.
Your years matter. Your time matters.
You deserve true love, and true love will be your silver lining, after the leap.
~
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