Approval
All my life I've
looked for approval and my self-worth in the eyes of the men in my life. I did
whatever it took to gain that approval and feel worthy to be alive on this
earth, even if it went against what I believed to be moral and right. After
years of “doing” to gain approval I've come to a place in my life that I am now
able to look at myself and the world around me and find my real value in the
eyes that look back at me in my reflection. I am finally able to just “be” a
part of this world and my life without “doing” all the time. Just “being” is
such an easier way to live.
The definition of reflection according to Mr.
Oxford is: the act or an instance of reflecting; the process of
being reflected; reconsideration; an idea arising
in the mind; a comment; a consequence; evidence.
Over the last two years of my life, I have done a lot of reflecting
on me, my life, how I've lived my life, the choices I've made which have
brought me right here right now. I feel that the fact that I am “being” in my
world is reflected in my life and the way I live now. I have reconsidered
most of things that I used to take for granted in my life – my family, my
friends, but most importantly – ME. The ideas that arise in my
mind now are so different than they have ever been. My reflection
of me in the mirror makes a comment about who I really am now, to
me it does, and that’s what I feel really matters – the person I see in the
mirror and not the person I want the world to see. If I love the one I see in
the mirror, that’s all that matters. The world can have and is entitled to its
own reflection of who I am. And for me now, that’s OK. In the face I see
reflected in my mirror I find the consequences of the choices
I've made in my life. In MY eyes I see the evidence of those
consequences, and I am at long last comfortable with what I see.
Odd that the word “being” would appear in that
definition and not the word “doing”.
Beverly V.
August 10, 2001
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