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My husband and I will celebrate eight years of love next month.
We’re not just celebrating love, though; we’re celebrating our ups and downs and every single conflict that happened.
We’ve had many ruptures throughout the years, but despite all the hardships, we never quit.
We’ve persisted.
We’ve prevailed.
We’ve learned that ruptures are unavoidable and if we both want to stay on course, we must learn how to repair them.
For many years, we thought that the ruptures were the problem. So we worked hard to avoid the conflicts that might trigger them, but we were wrong…so wrong.
Regardless of how deep and genuine the love bond is, there are times when partners disconnect. Things like disagreements, poor communication, offensive comments, unmet needs, or betrayal might trigger ruptures.
Unfortunately, many other things might break down during this break in connection: trust, communication, respect, and intimacy. More importantly, emotional safety breaks down. We stop feeling safe around our partner and guard ourselves against their looming, unpredictable behavior.
So, ruptures are caused by many factors that are unavoidable and often uncontrollable. That’s why it’s impossible to always prevent them because as human beings, we are deeply flawed. And, maybe, we shouldn’t prevent them. With time and consistency, partners learn how to move through a rupture and repair it—which makes the repair much more important than precaution.
The act of mending ruptures matters more than we think. We lose a lot of time and energy trying to dodge misunderstandings and craft the “perfect” relationship, neglecting the fact that without imperfections, relationships don’t survive. We attack each other instead of attacking the problem together as a team.
It has taken me many years and tears to understand that when a rupture happens, I should put my ego on the side. My relationship comes first, which means I need to identify the triggers that lead to the emotional distance or pain. I need to focus more on the repair and less on the rupture.
Because the repair involves growth. There are so many lessons and opportunities underneath our “disastrous” conflicts. When we become comfortable with the repair and know the whole process of reconnecting by heart, the rupture stops being a problem. Then ruptures will no longer scare us. Instead of constantly being afraid of conflicts and brushing them under the rug, we communicate in ways that don’t threaten the connection.
However, if we become too comfortable with ruptures, we might never be able to regain the lost connection that stems from silly fights or big disappointments. Then, resentment grows. Hatred becomes normalized. Blame rules the relationship. Slowly, we lose the way and start seeing the repair as something impossible—something we can never attain or deserve.
Returning to an emotionally safe space is what we should all be seeking.
Humble, mindful repairs allow that quick and guaranteed return to emotional safety:
>> Don’t fear ruptures.
>> Work with your partner as a team.
>> Prioritize the connection—not self-interests.
>> Take responsibility.
>> Acknowledge the hurtful situation.
>> Foster positive interaction.
>> Practice forgiveness.
>> Keep an open mind.
>> Don’t fall back into old patterns.
~
author: Elyane Youssef
Image: miniperde/Pexels
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