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*Editor’s Note: This piece is part of a series. Read the previous part here.
I’ve been a parent for three years now.
If I’ve learned anything from the parents I’ve met and closely know, it’s that they all tend to label their children.
“You’re so smart!”
“You’re so strong!”
“Why are you so messy?”
“You’re such a troublemaker!”
Our children also hear us talking about them all the time, even if they appear busy or not listening.
“My son is shy.”
“My daughter is difficult sometimes.”
“She’s lazy.”
“He’s a picky eater.”
I also made this mistake when I first had my child. The truth is giving labels is part of who we are as human beings. We assign names and traits so we can better understand the world and the people around us. Without labels, our internal compass fails. So, we need to predict outcomes in order to navigate the world safely.
And we do this effortlessly. Based on previous experiences and emotions, our mind automatically assigns a label to our child. Starting from birth, the labels we apply are endless. We think that babies don’t understand our conversations, so we speak about them freely in their presence.
We tell our family and friends how the nights have been challenging lately. We explain in detail the challenges we face when introducing new foods. When our little ones stay silent when greeted, we label them as shy. We call them smart when they succeed and troublemakers when they fail.
The labels never end. Throughout the years, I’ve realized that children always listen. Even if we think they aren’t listening, their minds are working nonstop. They frequently absorb new information and store it in their unconscious mind.
You might think that only negative labels hurt, but what if I told you that positive labels can hurt twice as much? Every label has a consequence. No matter what we tell them or say in their presence, our child will internalize that, will make it their own, and it will slowly become who they are.
A child doesn’t have the necessary tools to filter labels or feedback. They are still learning about the world and building their own personality and character. When we put them in a box, they will try to stay inside it. That’s exactly how we hurt a child’s self-esteem. That’s how we turn them into insecure adults…
When we tell them they’re smart, we set the bar too high. It makes them scared of taking new risks in areas where they might struggle. Then, they will only step into situations where a win is guaranteed just to protect the “smart one” title.
When we tell them they’re strong, we kill their ability to show emotion or be vulnerable, especially in difficult times. That’s how some children turn into emotionally unavailable adults.
When we tell them they’re troublemakers, we indirectly imply that they’re flawed and something is inherently wrong with them. Our words tell them that we are only capable of loving them when their behavior is perfect.
These are just examples of how every label moves a child farther away from who they can become. Instead of leaving them the space to discover and create themselves, we use our words to influence who they are supposed to be.
What can we do instead? I know how effortless and easy it is to label a child. It’s the easiest form of communication—especially with a little one, where we feel like we have almost nothing in common to converse about. But maybe, we do.
In Montessori, we focus on the action, not the label. Instead of labeling “who” a child is, we leave them the space to define themselves.
For example, when my son finishes a drawing and runs over to show it off, my instant reaction is to say, “Wow, you’re so good at drawing!” But when I pause and give myself a second to look closer, I get the chance to rethink my answer. Instead, I’ll say something like, “I see you used blue here.”
The shift is unbelievable. He looks down at his paper, reflects on why he chose blue, and starts telling me the story behind it. By stepping back, I give him the chance to step in, truly feel his work, and understand his own choices. His mind automatically evaluates the drawing—not me.
In case of mischievous behavior, we observe before we label. We see where the bad behavior is coming from without labeling it. Then, we shift the child’s focus from them to how they can do better next time. We show boundaries through helpful actions, not with empty words that a young child’s mind isn’t yet wired to fully comprehend.
The only helpful thing we can do to avoid labeling is to understand its consequences. Once we truly grasp how our labels hurt a child’s self-esteem, we will stop labeling them as “picky eaters,” “difficult,” or even “smart.”
I know that praise and labeling almost always come from a place of pure love. But if we really love them, we must bring awareness to our words and be careful about what we are conditioning our children to believe.
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author: Elyane Youssef
Image: Vika Glitter/Pexels
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