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My early 30s represented a profound shift in my life.
It was when I moved to a new town, started a new job, and got married.
My mid-30s brought a similar shift with even heavier transitions. When I became a mother, the transformation only grew deeper.
My 20-year-old self started haunting me the moment I turned 30. By the time I had my child, she found the nerve to pitch a tent in my mind and settle there for years.
She stayed around so long that my current self started to feel like a ghost—an awkward, uncomfortable stranger in my own life.
Because she occupied my mind for so long, I started grieving her. I mourned who she was, what she accomplished, and the fierce opinions she held. Her life looked nothing like my current reality, and I slowly began to envy her.
I assumed she was happier. I genuinely believed that my past self was thriving far more than I am today, even while knowing that my present life is infinitely more stable, grounded, and secure in ways she had never experienced.
Yet, could I really blame myself? I see so many people trapped in the same pattern, grieving their past selves—especially as they grow older and see obvious changes in their bodies, routines, and social connections.
The truth is, we all look back at earlier chapters with an aching heart. We view old photographs or recall past moments that seemed so peaceful at the time. We miss the freedom, the ease, and the feeling of carrying fewer obligations and emotional scars. We convince ourselves that the person we were five or 10 years ago held the secret to joy, and that we have somehow lost it along the way.
But how accurate is our memory? Nostalgia can be deceptive. It alters the context and plays back a mental movie that makes our present feel unbearable.
Honestly, if we could step back into those years, we would remember the real picture. We would recall that our younger self was far from trouble-free. Her life wasn’t the pure bliss our minds now imagine. Yes, the past contained genuine joy and fleeting moments of peace, but that younger self was also navigating her own heavy challenges.
Many of us lived with persistent anxiety, instability, self-doubt, and a haunting uncertainty about where life was headed. Our former selves lacked the clarity we possess today. They lacked the boundaries we spent many years establishing. We tolerated toxic dynamics and uncomfortable spaces simply because we had no idea how to stand our ground.
So, what we truly miss when we grieve our younger self is rarely her happiness. We miss her ignorance—the temporary comfort of not knowing how difficult certain lessons would be to learn. We miss the absence of heavy responsibilities, the innocence of not knowing what the future holds, and the freedom of limitless exploration.
If you were to ask me today, I would tell you there’s a huge difference between being truly free and simply being unaware.
Your younger self didn’t hold a secret formula for joy; she simply had not yet encountered the specific trials and errors that shaped you into who you are today. Trading your current wisdom, self-awareness, and resilience for a past version of yourself is foolish.
It took me a long time to erase the ghost of my past self and make peace with her absence. Even now, when I look at old pictures, I can barely relate to her or understand some of her choices and beliefs. She’s simply a person who once existed—someone I’m deeply grateful for because without her, I wouldn’t be standing here now.
Was she happier? Perhaps, temporarily. But she was also desperately trying to reach the exact point where I stand today, and that was the biggest truth I was missing. I’m finally living in the destination she spent years longing to find. Most importantly, I’m no longer searching for happiness; I’m reaching for wisdom. Happiness comes and goes, but wisdom is unshakeable. It stays for good and only deepens with time.
Remember that the goal of growth isn’t to preserve a past painted by illusion. It’s to build a present where we can sit comfortably in our own skin, fully aware of our scars, and choose peace anyway.
So, stop asking your past self to teach you how to be happy. She was just trying to figure out how to survive the very things you have successfully made it through.
author: Elyane Youssef
Image: Author's own
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