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Most of us have probably come across the universal wisdom that
the people who irritate us the most are expressing qualities that we
ourselves have. This is why family members can be so vexing for so many of us
-- we see ourselves in them, and vice versa. This isn't always true, of
course, but when it is, it's a real opportunity for growth if we can
acknowledge it, because it is infinitely easier to change ourselves than it
is to try to change another person, which is never a good idea. For example,
if we have a coworker who engages in some kind of negative behavior, like
complaining or trying to control everything, we can look and see if we
ourselves carry those traits.
We may have to look to other situations in our lives to see it, because we
behave differently in different environments. Perhaps we don't complain at
work, because our coworker overdoes it, but maybe we do it with our friends.
Maybe we aren't controlling at the office, but we're used to being in control
at home, and this is why we feel so irritated not to be in control at work.
Even if we look and find that we are not engaging in the same behavior that
we see as negative in others, we can still learn from what we are seeing in
this person. The truth is, human nature is universal, and we share many of
the same tendencies. What we see in others can always help us to understand
ourselves more deeply.
Having the ability to see something in another person, and automatically
bring this observation back to ourselves, is like having a built-in system of
checks and balances that enables us to be continually engaged in
self-exploration and behavior change. When we see behavior we don't like, we
can make a concerted effort to weed it out of ourselves, and when we see
behavior we do like, we can let it inspire us to engage in imitation. Through
this process, we read our environment and let it influence us to bring out
the best in ourselves.
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