“He was a malignant, covert narcissist with a string of failed relationships.”
“She was a traumatized, emotionally detached avoidant with daddy issues.”
“He was an emotionally stunted mama’s boy with Peter Pan syndrome.”
“She was psychotic and emotionally unstable with borderline personality disorder.”
Sound familiar? Oh, and usually followed by:
“…and I did everything I could to help him/her. Finally, I had no choice but to walk away.”
Or the classic:
“Being an empath, I naturally attract these kinds of relationships.”
For f*ck’s sake, stop. Just stop. We need to stop diagnosing our exes and get our asses into therapy.
We aren’t psychologists or a psychotherapists, unless our degree is from watching too many YouTube videos and Instagram memes.
We aren’t our ex’s therapist, and no, we aren’t their “healer.” We are labeling our ex because we want to avoid our own sh*t. Taking stock of our own behavior, and changing it takes work. It takes humility. And believe it or not, it requires a level of self-love and acceptance we aren’t ready for. So instead, we diagnose our ex. We make them the problem.
That avoidant who wasn’t ready to commit to us? Perhaps we were draining and refusing to take care of our own needs. Was the relationship just that? Expecting another to complete us? They can’t. No one can.
And truthfully, we are avoiding our needs right now by focusing on our ex’s behavior instead of our own.
Yes, that supposed narcissist did sh*tty, selfish things. Stay away from them. That so-called borderline made us feel like a failure. We aren’t.
We are hurting and it is painful as hell. Perhaps they were a bad partner. We chose them. We chose them with our lack of boundaries and self-love. And while we are fixated on them and all the work they need to do, we’re avoiding ourselves. We are deflecting our own issues onto them.
Who cares what they did or are doing. Do we have control over that? Or are we going to play the victim? Who does this diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder serve?
If they have toxic traits, block, delete, and stay the hell away from them. Then heal.
Where does our own low self-worth stem from? Could it be our identity is tied up in finding damaged people/pet projects? Could it be this is how we avoid true intimacy and equal partnership? Does this give us a feeling of control?
We are attracting emotionally unavailable partners because we are emotionally unavailable ourselves.
Perhaps our ex is a trauma survivor. Perhaps they did open up and be vulnerable with us about abuse or mental illness they have survived. Maybe they have attachment trauma. Are we going to use this against them and label them as damaged goods because they couldn’t meet our needs? Because if we are, that makes us nothing short of assholes.
Our ex is no more damaged than we are. Because like attracts like. Because we attract what we are. As soon as we shift and heal, we’ll increase our vibration and attract those on the same frequency as us—a healthier one. But for now, we’re just as f*cked up as they are.
We’re not empaths; we’re codependent. Not just that, making ourselves the hero/victim of our story and them the villain/victimizer only feeds our ego. Perhaps they need to do the work. Perhaps they need to do a lot of work. Well, guess what, cupcake, so do we!
I want us to take our power back.
That ex is nothing more than a mirror, here to illuminate to us the unhealed parts of ourselves so that we can move toward real love, toward real connection, toward real happiness. But first, we must do the work.
We are forgetting our hearts. On the other side of truth lies healing. On the other side of healing lies freedom. Beyond that lies love.
I am not saying that we need to avoid our intense feelings of anger and hurt and loneliness. If anything, I want us to move closer to them. Move closer and feel. Feel it and allow it. All of it, the anger, the sadness, the disappointment, the grief. There is no timeline here.
We may have to feel and feel for some time. Allow it. Create with that energy. Write. Make art. Manifest a new life, a new vision for yourself. Get into therapy. Take extra good care of yourself. Seek out a support system. Focus on you.
Because eventually, the bitterness will melt away. You’ll soften. You’ll stop judging yourself and the situation so harshly. You’ll develop compassion for yourself and this person who came into your life. Maybe you’ll even develop gratitude.
You are becoming a stronger, more loving person because this person came into your life. Thank them and move on with your life.
This diagnosis? Let’s save it for the therapists; we’ve moved past that.
~
If I read your post when I was suicidal after what my ex did, then it could have been the worst thing I read. Although there is a lot of truth to what you wrote, my experiences of talking to and supporting people through similar experiences shows that your advice doesn’t apply to everyone, or the timing or the method in which you approach this subject isn’t great. This could do more damage to survivors of domestic abuse than save
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