Just
a few years ago, I never would have believed what would become one of my
favorite CoDA sayings: “Blame keeps wounds open, and forgiveness lets wounds
heal.” I was too busy blaming, shaming, and seeking revenge on my alcoholic
spouse for years of abuse.
I've
slowly come to realize I was a willing participant on that roller coaster ride.
It was easier to blame someone else over and over, to ignore my own defects and
to turn a blind eye, than to face my own fears; so easy to deny the facts, so
difficult to face them; so easy to stay on the roller coaster ride with all the
ups and downs. I was ashamed and angry at both of us and felt things would
never change. Sobriety led to one disappointment after another. Little did I
realize what a huge part I played in that dysfunction.
Eventually
we parted ways. Life seemed more peaceful ...for a while... until I realized I
wasn't as perfect as I thought. I had issues of my own to face - the lingering
issues I had never dealt with in the past. I never saw the part I played by
trying to control the uncontrollable. I spun further out of control, repeating
my same old bad behaviors in new situations. I knew I needed help. I finally
accepted I was powerless.
CoDA,
as well as my faith, spouse, supportive family and friends, have all
contributed to the changes I try daily to make in myself by being more honest
with myself. I'm much more aware of how my old behaviors no longer fit. I try
daily to do unto others as I would have done unto me. I had to have compassion
and forgiveness for others first; only then could I begin to have compassion,
love, and forgiveness for myself. It had to begin with me.
I'm
grateful every day for the recovery path I'm on. I'm thankful for my belief and
acceptance in myself. I see it in better relationships. I know I'm not perfect
and never will be...and that's ok.
Thank
you, CoDA, for showing me the way to let it begin with me.
Dee
- 1/4/2022
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