Acceptance
All
my life I have struggled to be what I wanted to be. Sometimes I did things well
and felt good about that; most times it was just daily routine or worse, never
very satisfying. Then I discovered CoDA and the many ways my thoughts were the
source of the churning in my gut. Nevertheless, I couldn’t stop the thoughts;
the churning continued.
Then
one morning as I woke up, I had a new thought, “What if, as an experiment, I
decided to accept myself, including faults, strengths, everything, as I am at
this moment? After all, I am powerless as soon as this moment happens.”
Immediately, I experienced such a sense of peace that I hardly believed it. I
held myself in that state, as if holding my breath, for a few seconds, then a
minute, then for several minutes, clinging to the thought. I continued doing
just that as I gradually began the routine of my day, not talking about it but
fully oriented there. And the feeling of peace continued that day, and the day
after, and for all the days following. And so, it has continued from that time,
ten to fifteen years ago, to the present.
Oh,
I still fuss at myself when things go wrong. But now I can laugh with the
thought of a Joker-in-the-Sky god who does tricks on me just when I have my
plans made, recalling, “Make your plans so God has something to laugh at.” Of
course, I don’t need to believe there is such a god, but either way I can still
construct in my mind imaginings that I find comforting. That is, after all, the
only way anything can get there. So, I am free, if I choose, to accept myself
as I am and to think of nearly everything else as parts in a divine comedy for
me to be part of.
JB
– 2/1/22
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