It’s devastating when a narcissist lies, smears you and uses your dismayed reactions to their abuse against you.
This is what narcissists do mercilessly, methodically, and even chillingly.
As a False Self it is what they have to do – demonise you and exalt themselves as the victim and the good one. This gives them the justification to treat you as the enemy, so they can move on without having to undergo the scrutiny and accountability for their own disordered behaviour. Sadly, and commonly, you will be horrified to realise your loved ones get dragged into the fray.
The narcissist is very comfortable with lying and manipulating people to get them onside. As a plasticine “actor” the narcissist is very comfortable and skilled at saying whatever it takes to fulfil their own agenda. This is about gaining narcissistic supply – attention, acclaim, and superiority, as well as protection from narcissistic injury – burying all the evidence of their wrongdoing and assigning blame on to you.
People regularly get fooled into believing the narcissist. It’s actually not their fault. Many people are not aware of how capable sociopaths are of looking people in the eye, telling outrageous lies and providing false evidence, complete with incredible minute detail and the appropriate emotional responses. The scary thing is that narcissists often convince themselves that their twisted narrative is the truth – which makes it even more convincing.
As the self-proclaimed “God” a narcissist feels almost a zealous justification in exposing you, bringing scrutiny and punishment upon you and warning everyone of what a disgraceful person you are. They do this masterfully by presenting evidence in a way that people find digestible. Narcissists are experts at “feeling” how to “be” in front of certain people to get a message across – it’s a honed super-power.
The tragic aspect is that you find many of your nearest and dearest believe the narcissist. You are shocked. You thought they knew you and trusted you. They did … but now they surmise … “Why on earth would an adult tell me something so shocking about someone, in such detail, unless it was really true?” In other words, they can’t imagine that any humans are capable of lying like this!
Here is the ultimate issue they can’t get their head around, “How could any human BE that sinister and evil?” It doesn’t compute for most good people!
You are incredibly traumatised by all of this. You react, explode, plead, are shaken, terrorised and try to do all sorts of things to reverse the smear campaign. You feel so triggered, unsafe, and betrayed that you can barely breathe.
People assess the narcissist versus you and see a calm and cool (and even acting lovingly concerned about you) narcissist, whereas you are behaving like a crazy person. This further supplements the narcissistic story that you are unwell, mentally disturbed, doing terrible things that you were hiding from everybody and now that you have been exposed you have become completely irrational and abusive.
See how this works?
So … what can you do to expose the narcissist? How can you reverse your loved ones’ siding with the narcissist, pulling away from you and even turning on you? How can you cope with abuse by proxy from authorities, or your job being threatened, and all the other damage that the narcissist can cause as a result of their deliberate smear campaign?
One thing is for sure, continuing to be triggered and going into damage control doesn’t work – it just digs you deeper into being alienated and blamed. In the fifteen plus years that I have helped people recover from narcissistic abuse, I know that trying to deal with this whilst triggered never works – it didn’t work for me, or for anyone else.
But I did crack the code of what does work, which I am about to share with you in these 3 clear steps.
Step Number 1 – Realise You Are In A Spiritual War
Physical and logical retaliation doesn’t work with narcissists.
If this was a normal person saying something awful that wasn’t true about you – yes you could approach them, and they would have the conscience and humanity to course correct and do the right thing.
That is not the narcissist. He or she is a propaganda machine, who uses lies and manipulation to feed and protect the False Self, as well as achieve self-serving agendas at the expense of others. They have to lie to be themselves.
A narcissist will not reverse course, rather they just double down on “proving” to all and sundry that they were the right and good one, and you were wrong and evil one.
If you try to expose what really is the truth, then they will use your every reaction to smear you further, until you realise that reacting plays exactly into their hands – it provides the narcissist the EXACT bullets to shoot you with.
You may think, “Okay so I won’t go to the narcissist, about this (there is no point), but I will go to the people who are being lied to.”
Of course, this would seem reasonable, because after all you probably have proof, conversations and even a paper trail of some facts that will convince people that the narcissist is lying to them.
Yet, it doesn’t work!
You are astounded. People are fast asleep. It doesn’t matter how hard you try to belt people over the head with hard facts, they continue to look at you with glazed eyes and tune out. They are not hearing you or believing you.
The following may shock you – they are not meant to!
Remember the ALL important key here: You are in a spiritual war.
What does that mean? It means the narcissist is attacking YOUR SPIRIT. The very essence of you –your core foundational self. Which is what is going on inside of us. It is how we feel between ourselves, life, and others regarding these four pillars – love, approval, security, and survival.
Smearing you and flipping the script, setting the blame on you for all of the disgraceful things the narcissist did themselves, is an incredibly effective way to attack your Inner Spirit. Your foundations of love, approval, security, and survival are all now under threat. Your support networks are crumbling, and the harder you try to stop it happening outside of you the more everything breaks and falls as everything gets worse and worse.
Remember you are in a spiritual war.
The only true solution is addressing this inside of you.
Step Number 2 – Turn Inwards And Heal What Hurts
When you are being smeared and feel betrayed by your nearest and dearest and possibly even your most precious loved ones (your children), the shock to your core identity is horrifying. You may feel like you can no longer function, be out in your community and that no one has your back and you are going to lose everyone and everything and literally be annihilated. You may feel like you might die.
Not only are you going through the shock of the narcissist’s monstrous cruel betrayals and discard as if you never mattered (regardless of how much you loved and what you gave in the relationship) you now have the rest of your Universe turned against you too.
I was there 15 years ago … I lost everything and everyone and there was no thing or person outside of me to hang onto for help.
People have said to me over the years, “I’m so sorry for you, that must have been so bad for you that you had NO one!”
Now I understand why it was meant to be like this. It allowed me to finally understand this was a spiritual war and my super-power needed to be found inside of me. Back then everything and everyone was gone, there was no place left to turn except inside.
I finally turned inwards with Quantum Healing Tools (now the updated and refined version is NARP – the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program) and was able to clean out of inside of me the triggered traumas of persecution, betrayal, loss, shame, fear, the need to hold him accountable, the need to change people’s minds, and the feeling that I would literally DIE if I couldn’t convince people that I WAS a good person and I didn’t do these things!
I worked hard on this for weeks, until I discovered the miracle that I had never previously understood – what people thought of me and said about me wasn’t the issue – what I FELT about me was!
When my feelings reset to the calm and peace of, “I know who I am, I am adored and loved by Source and I am whole and safe as I AM.” I discovered there was no longer any triggered trauma regarding what people thought or said about me.
I was finally free to be myself.
One of the astounding things about reaching this spiritual graduation within my Inner Being, was I realised I had always been overly attached to what other people thought of me.
Throughout my entire life it had caused me to give to get.
It had made me not speak up and try to keep the peace.
It had also left me open to abuse because I used to fear losing others more than losing myself.
I had previously believed that other people GAVE me my Identity. I hadn’t known any other way to BE!
Now they didn’t! I had just claimed my own identity between myself, Source and Creation. I was no longer emotionally dependent on what other people thought or felt about me.
Now, despite my “outer reality” of people thinking I was a disgraceful person, I felt more peace and inner solidness than I had ever known – and this time it was unconditional, which means it just WAS.
Then what happened was a miracle. There had been such a dramatic shift within me that the spiritual and then the physical shifted to match it.
The authorities abusing me by proxy (notably the police, my accountant and real estate agency) all WOKE up. They came to me apologising, realising they had been lied to. He was exposed.
I had not done anything in the physical to get this result. And it happened with all three institutions almost simultaneously.
My son and family came to me and told me they realised the truth. Certain colleagues and friendships returned (the ones that were not meant to didn’t) and all smear campaigns dissolved into native nothingness. They literally ceased to exist.
The staggering thing is that I was not feeling any NEED for this to happen. I already had healed myself to inner peace. I recognised the absolute truth about narcissists – we can’t defeat them in the physical, our true power that they have absolutely no answer for is in the spiritual.
It is in the Light, through our Inner Being that they can no longer drag us into their dark dungeons where they defeat us, with our unhealed, triggered wounds that keep us in the narcissist’s dark punching ring with them.
But of course, we are dealing with this in real life too.
So, let’s look at how to be in the physical to back up our own spiritual super-power.
Step Number 3 – Be Anti-Fear And Integrity With Non-Attachment
In the NARP Community Forum, we are forever coaching people on how to defeat a narcissist who is smearing you and tearing you to pieces.
There is a three-part powerful presence in the physical that completely unravels the narcissist and leaves them powerless to turn people and institutions against you.
The first way that is essential to show up in physically is as “anti-fear” – meaning untriggered. This is not a logical thing that you can decide to do, this is done by cleaning out inner trauma with an effective Quantum Tool (such as NARP) to release these terrible triggered feelings and come home to calm and peace without physical evidence granting you this inner relief.
Now you are in your TRUE power centre.
Then when you are being attacked or invalidated by people, you can be yourself. There is nothing to defend because you are already at peace. You know the chips will fall where they may. You know who you are and the truth wins in the end.
You know the people who are supposed to see the truth will do so sooner or later.
Even with your children, you don’t defend and you don’t “smear” back – you don’t try to get them to see your version of the truth (which is the truth), you are your solid self, continually healing yourself up, knowing that your presence and “self” is evidence enough.
You say things like, “That’s his or her version. That’s okay. I have a different version of things, but of course you are free to make your own choices about what you choose to believe, and that’s important. I know and trust you will make the right decisions for you. I love you and I’m here to support you regardless. What would you like for dinner tonight?”
You don’t need people to “get” you – YOU “get” you.
(Wait and see how others organically follow).
Regarding court and authorities, don’t try to expose a narcissist (that backfires terribly), rather expose calmly, concisely and factually the bad behaviour, with verifiable (unemotional) incidences. Don’t grant the narcissist or their solicitor any emotional energy, just address the judge in a calm, collected and extremely solid and credible way.
Narcissists freak when they know they can’t get to you emotionally. They panic when you are not trying to fight them in their dark dungeons whilst being triggered in your wounds. Like true energy vampires they can only operate in the shadows, and this is when narcissists usually lose their poise and the narrative and expose themselves. This is when the truth comes to Light.
I can’t tell you how many REAL powerful wins our NARP members have had in our community with custody, property and business settlements because of this formula.
The third part of how to show up physically, is don’t be attached to the outcome. I know that this is easier said than done, and you may feel like it’s impossible. It’s not – with NARP healing shifts you absolutely will get there.
Why is this so important?
Because you are in a spiritual war. You can’t win this in the physical, without getting the spiritual right.
The true war that defeats narcissists hands down, in EVERY way is this, “I am a whole Source of peace and integrity with True Source. I am at peace with love, approval, security, and survival, knowing Source / Creation / Life Force loves, adores, me, has my back and all is well – regardless of what you are or aren’t trying to do to me. I’m already home – and that is my state of victory, no matter what happens.”
Then EVERYTHING you want starts to happen – including the narcissist’s lies being exposed and your loved ones returning to you.
Why? Because you already BEcame it and then it CAME.
That is the true meaning of Be – Come.
Remember, this is a spiritual war.
In Conclusion
I hope that this deeply resonates with you.
If you are ready to come home in the spiritual and then have power in the physical against a narcissist – the answer is NARP – it is exactly THAT process.
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