Step 11 Reflection
When
I consider my approach to prayer to my higher power and to meditation, in what
is my first 78 meetings and 78 days of my CoDA journey, I’m grateful that I can
now see the waves of resistance and brief moments of surrender that swung
wildly at first and now like a pendulum seem to be finding a rhythm that, while
still out of balance, has a more regular cadence that I can start to feel on a
daily basis.
I’m
not there yet by any means. I have days where deeply obsessive and compulsive
anxiety rule the day, waking me up at 4am, spinning in unhealthy thoughts for
hours until I’m exasperated and in pain from the indignant resistance of my
mind to surrendering to truly healthy routines and my higher power’s loving
intention.
Why
can’t I let go? The irony of life is that letting go is exactly what I both
need and fear the most. I know that my higher power loves me and cares for me
on a daily basis or the storied path that brought me here wouldn’t have
involved so many twists and turns that were always just fortunate coincidences
until I started to see they all had a purpose in where I am today.
Today
my practice of meditation is a daily breath of oxygen that I rely on. I’m
moving into prayer having the same significance but just for today I accept
that prayer serves as an outlet for desperation when my still compulsive and
obsessive thoughts become overwhelmingly despairing and unmanageable. I’m
slowly accepting my powerlessness and finally, finally, finally starting to
consider and see surrender as an option that actually involves less emotional,
physical, and spiritual pain. For today I will meditate and pray and hopefully
put my head on my pillow without traumatizing myself by trying to control
outcomes that were never mine to control.
Rob
M. 11/7/2022
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