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Imagine a world where everybody was emotionally mature. Imagine a world in which everyone was just born with emotional maturity skills.
As children, we used to look up to adults and immediately assume that they were emotionally mature. After all, grown-ups are supposed to be, right?
Sadly, this is simply not the case. Many adults are simply not emotionally mature. In fact, many people seem to be walking around in adult bodies but with the maturity levels of eight-year-olds (or even less). This is because emotional maturity does not happen with “age.” Emotional maturity happens when a child grows up in a safe, secure, emotionally regulated environment (where their core needs have been met), where they can then keep growing into (one day) healthy adults.
And most people do not receive this. You just have to look at the state of our society to see this. Some studies have now shown that we can become emotionally “frozen” at the age we experienced trauma. Which does explain a lot. And not having our core needs met as children (being heard, being soothed, being financially provided for, feeling safe) are little traumas that little by little add up.
What is an emotionally mature person then?
In short, an emotionally mature person is self-aware. They are able to watch their thought patterns and behaviours. They then ask themselves, is this really the true authentic me? Or is this my conditioning showing up? Where did I learn this type of behaviour? They then take action to change the harmful behaviour so that they do not do it in the future again. They are able to put their ego aside. This contributes to self-growth. An emotionally mature person will be much more able to cope with difficult situations in life.
Therefore, an emotionally mature person is someone who has done the inner work.
Here, in my opinion, are seven core traits of someone who has emotional maturity:
1. They stop blaming everyone else for everything.
An emotionally immature person immediately blames everyone but themselves when something goes wrong. They never accept the blame for anything because they truly believe they can never be at fault.
On the other hand, an emotionally mature person takes accountability for their own words and actions. An emotionally mature person is able to say, “I have been toxic too” (yes because nobody is perfect). Of course, sometimes we are not to blame, so this depends on the situation, but the key is self-awareness.
Blaming others is an easy way out of avoiding uncomfortable emotions within us (shame, guilt, anger). Being able to say “no, I was also partly wrong in this situation” takes incredible maturity and guts.
2. When they apologise, the apology is honest and heartfelt.
Receiving a half-apology is just awful. These can sound like:
“I’m sorry you took it that way.”
“I did it because you did that.”
“I was just kidding.”
“You already know I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry you feel that way.”
Sound familiar? These apologies are not meaningful and do not really come from the heart. When a person has emotional maturity they are able to take accountability for their words and actions, and they will apologise when they are in the wrong. This means showing that they are truly sorry, not only via words but in their actions.
3. They listen to you without interrupting you.
An emotionally mature person is a good listener. This means they do not interrupt when someone else is speaking. They show their full undivided attention and upmost respect for what the other person is saying. They will instinctively know when the other person needs advice or simply needs to get things off their chest. This is because an emotionally healthy person is able to feel empathy for others.
So many people listen only to then make the conversation about themselves, “Oh me too, I also experienced something similar.” But how often do we really hear what the other person is saying, without trying to come up with a response?
Most people just want to be heard!
4. They don’t take everything personally.
This one is huge. An emotionally mature person does not take everything personally. They know that not everything is a personal attack against them. Many people struggle with taking criticism, even when it is constructive criticism. When we begin to realise that what other people say and do has so little to do with us and our self-worth, we begin to grow.
I saw a quote the other day on Instagram that I thought I would share here as it is completely relevant:
“When you fully understand how often people cope with their own insecurities, fear and unresolved issues by projecting negativity on to you, you’ll quickly learn not to take the things they say or do to heart. Those are their issues, don’t give them permission to make them yours.”
5. They don’t get defensive in arguments.
If you have ever been in a discussion or argument with someone who is not emotionally mature, you will probably notice they immediately get defensive or even explosive. This is because they have little (if any) emotional regulation skills. They can become triggered by the slightest of things and cannot take accountability for anything.
This is why emotional maturity is a key skill for successful romantic relationships. A relationship simply cannot flourish if one or two of the parties keep getting defensive over everything. There is no room for repair or growth. It is like repeatedly banging into a brick wall.
6. They are open-minded and have flexible personalities.
An emotionally immature person tends to have black and white thinking. Someone who has emotional maturity, however, usually is more open-minded and has a flexible personality. They are more open to change and to exploring new things. This makes relationships with others so much easier.
Being able to explore life with a sense of curiosity and willingness to learn, rather than from a place of deep childhood conditioning and a rigid, judgmental mentality, is a massive sign of emotional health.
7. They don’t run when things get tough.
No relationship will ever be perfect. There will always be disagreements about things. What is important is how we act when things get tough. When we don’t have much emotional maturity, we may be tempted to run away from our problems. This is because we aren’t great at being with painful emotions. But when we don’t let our emotions rule us, we are better able to find solutions to repair things. We know that disagreements will happen and the best way to solve them is in a calm and collective manner, rather than explosive arguments where a solution is never found. The ability to put our egos aside is the key to doing this, and it certainly is not easy.
So, those are my seven. What other key traits would you add to this list?
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