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This morning, my partner came over and gave me a gentle hug of appreciation.
She has been under a lot of stress lately and wanted to apologize for the messes she has been leaving behind in our house. Stress from multiple sources has caused her ADHD to become more difficult to control lately; the lenses she sees her days through are getting fogged and scratched by demands from tasks and bosses.
I wish I could say that I hadn’t felt any resentment at all. It is difficult to be an over-functioning mom with kids and a busy household. Sometimes, I find myself holding everything up and expecting myself to be perfect while doing it.
However, during those moments when I feel a hint of resentment, I always remind myself that everyone in my household is doing the best they can in that particular moment. And that same thing is what I have been telling myself about the tornado my partner has been leaving in her path. As she hugged me, she said, “I am doing my best.” “I know,” I replied, “I always think you are doing your best. That is why I can stay patient with you and the kids.” She looked bewildered, like I had just handed her a key to unlock a small piece of her humanity that she hadn’t considered.
It is such a simple premise, but one that we have forgotten in our mad modern dash of daily living.
Everyone is doing their best.
The person in front of you at the grocery store. Your neighbor. The guy who cuts you off while you are in the drop-off line at school. Your children who are late and taking forever to get their shoes on (again). And that same logic applies to our sweet selves. When I am grumpy. Resentful. Tired. Want someone else to cook me dinner because I just can’t, I am still doing my best.
We are all doing our best. Under pretty stressful circumstances, I might add.
In his book, The More Beautiful World Our Hearts Know Is Possible, Charles Eisenstein speaks to the idea that we can never know how we would behave or react if we were someone else. And all inklings point to the fact that, had we had the same upbringing, life experiences, money in our bank account, stress at home…we would probably have the same capacity, behave in the same way, be doing the same thing they are now.
Everyone is doing their best, in every moment, with what they have been given.
The beauty of this simple idea is that it immediately softens the heart. If my children are doing their best, maxing out at the level they are capable of, then I can’t really be mad at them for not doing more. Same goes for my partner. If her ADHD is feeling more out of control and she is doing her best to manage, all while leaving funny piles of stuff all over the house, than I just need to let go.
This softness that we give others seeps into our own bones as well. And, in one of the more beautiful feedback loops of being human, the softer we are with ourselves, the softer we are with others. Let the softness be contagious. Let us all understand that every single human is doing the best they can in this moment.
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