Letting Go
I'm pretty
sure I was codependent before I even drew my first breath...The year was 1976
and my mother had gotten pregnant with me in her senior year of high school, my
parents married in July, and I was due to arrive late September early October.
However, my birthday of the 26th of October always felt wrong, and I never knew
why until I found out from my father that my mother would say to her belly,
"Not today."
My father was
a happy drunk and my mother blamed me for her world. By 5 years of age I would
be caring for my brother the way an adult would/should. Not knowing that years
of these expectations would lead me to feel I had to "save" everyone
and everything while painfully and slowly chipping away from anything I was
meant to be. “No” was never in my vocabulary as there was a price to pay with
my mother if you exerted any kind of authority, emotion or need.
My
overwhelming desire for her attention built a fear of rejection so ingrained
that I believe I stopped breathing, and crying, and living for myself for
decades… It took me a long time to accept the powerlessness over people, places
and things and I'm relieved to say that after 48 years I'm letting go one day
at a time with the help of CoDA and other 12 step programs.
Letting go is
freedom to grow.
Thank God.
Jessica
02.04.2025
No comments:
Post a Comment