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*Author’s Note: This is not referring to abusive or violent relationships. I’m also well aware that the roles can be reversed, but I’m referring to the stats about women leaving men, the vocal men who constantly raise this thought, and I’m providing some context as to why it’s happening.
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Most of us have heard the term “it came out of nowhere” from a perplexed man who is often heartbroken and shocked that his partner has packed her bags and walked out the door.
It can no doubt be a devastating blow and feels shockingly unexpected. But I’ll let you in on a little secret: it’s rarely “out of nowhere” and has most likely been building for years, but he didn’t want to hear or see the reality.
Relationships can be complex. Human beings are complicated, and we all have a certain amount of conditioning, unconscious beliefs around relationships. We follow patterns and cycles, and sometimes they are unhealthy. Even as young people forming their first relationship, there is still a level of baggage, being their childhood baggage. What have they been modelled? What have they seen? What do they believe is a healthy relationship? What do they believe about themselves? It’s never black and white but rather varied shades of grey.
People, both men and women, are rejected every day. Rejection is a part of life. Hearts get broken. Pain is inevitable. Moving through the loss and grief process is necessary to enable processing in healthy ways and a level of healing and growth. There needs to be some time, brutally honest reflection, and introspection. There needs to be acknowledgement of faults (everyone has some). Without this, resentment and bitterness sets in like a poison seeping through every cell of your being. You blame. You project. You repeat toxic patterns. You never learn your mistakes or your own harmful traits. On and on it goes.
In recent years, there has been a lot of discussion around the increase of women leaving relationships and filing for divorce. Indeed, in some circles there is a dangerously high level of anger about these women making these choices. “They are selfish.” “They are destroying families.” “They are taking/have taken half my assets,” “Feminism has caused this.” “Women are not like they used to be.” “They are hoes.” “They are gold diggers.” And undoubtedly a small number of women may fall into one of these categories. But for the majority, they are just women who have had enough, and the writing was well and truly on the wall, but he chose not to read it.
Self-reflection can be much more difficult, and it’s far easier to blame and project when you feel you’ve been rejected. When your ego is wounded.
In my experience as a woman, a therapist, and someone who works with both men and women in crisis, there’s something that I regularly see. Women emotionally disconnect from a relationship long before they physically leave. They grieve the loss of the relationship, what it used to be or what they hoped it would be, whilst they are still in it. And there are always signs. Communication changes. Intimacy decreases. They become quiet. Indifferent. An apathy creeps in; there’s no energy to even argue. They become a different version of themselves. They try voicing their concerns and grievances, only to fall on deaf ears. And I can tell you from a personal and professional perspective, that they are lost. Disconnected. Overwhelmed. Confused. They feel unheard and unseen. And more often than not, you’ve lost them.
Why don’t they tell us what’s wrong? I hear men say.
They do. They constantly show you. Tell you; even in their silence, they are telling you. Could some communicate better? Absolutely they could, but for most, they feel like they’re hitting their heads against a brick wall. It’s hard to communicate your truth to someone when they’ve switched off from listening. When they tell you to stop “whining.” When they dismiss you. Invalidate you. Refuse to meet you halfway. Belittle your concerns.
And when she goes silent, these men assume all is well. They’ve compartmentalised all the issues and presume she has as well. She hasn’t. It’s just another nail in the coffin toward the death of the relationship.
Women are too emotional, I hear some say. Are they? Or are they exhausted from taking on the emotional load? Are they fed up of living in a space that doesn’t hear or see them? Are they tired of dealing with emotionally stunted partners who choose to avoid anything that’s emotionally challenging? Or can they no longer be the dumping ground for the emotions that their partner refuses to address? The mental load of the family. Carrying the children’s emotions, trying to support everyone and nobody holding her. The expectation that women are to carry the mental and emotional load is destroying as many relationships as abuse. It’s just not recognised. Women are walking away from emotionally unavailable men and men who simply stand back and think they can do what they’ve always done. Refuse to change or grow. Continue to unhear or unsee her. Who want their physical needs met but are inept in meeting her emotional needs. Who think it’s her role to constantly pick up the pieces without a thought of the toll that’s taking.
There are men who don’t know their children’s birthdays. Never take time off if there’s a sick child. Never take their kids to the doctor or dentist. Never buy birthday or Christmas gifts. Never organise the Christmas celebrations. Have no idea about their kids school excursions or extra curricular activities or even their friends’ names. It’s a level of weaponised incompetence that may seem trivial, inconsequential, but the truth is it’s not. It’s draining the f*ck out of her; whether she works outside the home or not, doesn’t matter. She shouldn’t have to carry this load. We continually hear “men are the protectors” yet some men aren’t protecting the well-being of their partner. “Men are the providers” yet some men aren’t providing an emotionally safe space for their partner or children.
Doctors John and Julie Gottman created the Gottman method, which is a method used to help struggling couples. They identified four key predictors of divorce called the four horsemen. These are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Every relationship that fails— in my experience—has at least one of these in play, usually more. The criticism about her body changes after birthing kids. The criticism that she’s never doing enough. The criticism that she spends his hard earned money, even if that’s to manage the home or dress the kids. The criticism that she doesn’t meet his desire for sex. Criticism that leads into defensiveness and contempt. And then stonewalling where communication is shut down, and that contempt grows. These things matter. And these things will destroy your relationship.
Men are different to women is a constant theme. Yes, of course, we are different, but that doesn’t mean a grown man who can hold down a job and wants to speak of leading, protecting, and providing cannot look around him and see what’s required in the home and for their family. “Men need instruction, write them a list”—really? We need to write a grown man a list to function as a grown man? Does his boss write him a list for every task that’s required, or does he simply do his job because he is actually an autonomous adult with responsibilities and not a child who needs step-by-step instruction? “Men don’t see what’s required in the home like women”—well that’s concerning isn’t it? How on earth do they function alone, at work, or with others if they apparently have no ability to see what’s around them? It’s enabling to make excuses for those men who somehow lose their ability to function as an adult the moment they walk into their home.
It’s these excuses that become so tiresome. It’s these actions that women are disconnecting from. It never comes out of nowhere.
I understand some men are perplexed. They consider themselves good men. They don’t abuse their partners or children. They work to provide for their family. And when their wife leaves, they reflect on all these things they do. But what they too often aren’t reflecting on are the things they don’t do. They’re not listening to hear. They’re not seeing to acknowledge. They’re not seeing their partner as a woman and a partner but as all the roles she does for him. And this takes a toll.
Women have been expressing their needs and what they want for some time now. The men willing to listen and make changes are flourishing.
The truth is abuse, control, and infidelity are terrible things and often cause an ending of a relationship, which most people understand. But what’s also destroying relationships and is less understood is neglect. Neglecting your partner’s needs. Neglecting to listen. Neglecting her feelings. Neglecting to take on some of the mental load. Neglecting to see her as an autonomous woman rather than your partner, your kids’ mother, your homemaker, your therapist, your administrative assistant, the body that satisfies your sexual needs. That neglect will eat her alive.
It’s a hard pill to swallow, and sadly we have some men who do what they’ve always done, and that is blame. So wounded by rejection, they don’t have the emotional intelligence or awareness to actually reflect and learn. It’s okay to be angry, disappointed, sad, hurt, and confused; it’s what you do next that counts.
I see this group of men in social media comments every day. They stand out. Their anger is palpable. They like to quote statistics, which may or may not be accurate. They like to blame women. They comment multiple times. Argumentative. Defensive. Bitter. They are like a pack of feral wolves, ready to eat their prey. There’s no reasoning with them because in their mind women are the enemy. Women did this or that to them. There’s always “whataboutism.” On a recent post about the statistics of male violence against women, there they were: “women abuse men every day,” “women are killing men,” and on it goes. And the saddest part is they are still not listening. They are still not reflecting on their own mistakes and behaviour. They are still letting their ego rule their life. They have still not done any work on themselves. They have not grown at all. And they will be forever unhappy.
So when she becomes silent, you need to listen to that silence. It’s an alarm. She’s beaten down. Tired. She’s disconnected. When she pulls back from intimacy, it’s because she doesn’t feel emotionally safe with you and you’ve not been meeting her needs in daily life. Or she’s so emotionally tapped out she has nothing in the tank. And when even the arguing ceases, she’s done. Whining and nagging are words so often used when women are repeating themselves. When they express an issue over and over again. It can become like “nagging” because you aren’t hearing her. She’s asking you, telling you, trying to convey something to you that’s important to her, and instead of hearing her, you switch off and say she’s a “nag.” And when she leaves, you say “it came out of nowhere.”
She’s done and you’ve lost her.
It never ever comes out of nowhere.
You just refused to see the signs.
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