It can be heartbreakingly difficult to break through from narcissistic abuse. I know you may be experiencing exactly this struggle right now. If this is the case my heart goes out to you.
You may feel like you are the only person going through this battle, and no one around you understands why you aren’t just “getting over it”.
Please know you are not alone. What you are experiencing is more normal than not. Virtually everyone who has suffered narcissistic abuse is astounded when they can’t move on, no matter how positive, strong and courageous they try to be.
You may be shocked to find you can’t stop the obsessive, circular thoughts.
Why do you feel like your Life Force has been sucked out of you? And that there’s nothing left inside you to feel inspired, energetic or even hopeful about rebuilding your life?
Why is it that when you look at the rubble at your feet, or what your life once was, you can barely imagine getting out of bed and staying vertical, let alone putting everything back together again?
It’s because of this common, almighty struggle that I passionately wanted to share with you the following 6 reasons why you’re struggling to break through in your recovery journey.
In my humble opinion, these reasons, if not addressed correctly, can either hinder your recovery or completely thwart it.
Let’s get into the 6 reasons you’re struggling to break through in your recovery journey, as well as the powerful solutions to start reversing all of this!
Number One – Researching Narcissists
After leaving a narcissist, or being left by one, it is incredibly helpful to discover who narcissists are and what they do. Narcissistic abuse is a phenomenon, that unless understood makes no sense. Discovering that there is a name for this helps you understand that there are countless people who’ve also been through this. You feel like you are not going crazy and that you are not alone.
However, learning about narcissists will give you clarity, but it will not heal you.
I want you to imagine someone you loved was hit by a car and was bleeding out on the side of the road. If you ran after the driver, rather than stayed with them to get them vital medical attention, this person could die.
Your Inner Being (which is the entire foundation of your “self” and “life”) is smashed after being narcissistically abused. If you leave him or her in writhing agony after the literal Soul rape of a narcissist, and focus your attention on researching narcissists, then there is a ton of unattended to trauma within you. This doesn’t heal with “information about narcissists”.
In our Thriver Community, after the initial check box of understanding narcissists, we steer people very quickly to the 90/10 rule. 90 percent focus on healing yourself and 10 percent (at most – less is best) in learning about narcissists.
Every moment you spend on “them” is denying yourself your own love and healing back to wholeness.
Pam, one of our wonderful Thrivers, spent 18 months in solid research of narcissists. She was still suffering terribly from PTSD (which is usual), but learned how vital it was for her to let go of needing “more information” and instead turn inwards to heal.
After only 2 weeks she was astounded at how much relief, answers and clarity she was experiencing – as well as hope.
I promise you that it will be the same for you!
Number Two – Aftershock
You may be shocked to experience that after leaving the narcissist you feel so much worse.
People around you are stunned. They say, “You have left him / her. You should be starting to feel better.”
Nothing could be further from the truth. The following is why …
Whilst you are in the battle with the narcissist you are in the battle. You are busy fighting back, or trying to work out how to survive.
However, when you leave, the traumas from yesterday, last week, last month and last year all have a chance to catch up with you. It’s like an overwhelming tsunami hitting you at the deepest emotional and mental levels.
You’ll go through an incredible time of “aftershock”, where the obsessional thoughts feel like they are driving you crazy. You may logically know this person is so bad for you, yet you feel an overwhelming sense of addiction to them. You may believe that this is because you love them, are meant to be with them, or that you can’t survive without closure or accountability.
You may feel helplessly consumed with depression, hatred, despair, sorrow, anxiety or even panic attacks.
Physical and nervous system disorders such as PTSD, adrenal malfunction, fibromyalgia and sleep and eating disorders may be at an all-time high.
After separating from a narcissist is when you are at high-risk of making self-harming choices. You may want to break No Contact or indulge in destructive addictions such as drinking, smoking, drugs, sex, gambling or shopping in an attempt to self-medicate.
Of course, those actions are Soul destroying and many of us went through this until we discovered HOW to combat after-shock.
Adrian, one of our wonderful Thriver guys said, “I was missing her so much, I was willing to put up with anything to reconnect with her. Thank goodness I turned inwards, dealt with that part of myself with a Module (Quanta Freedom Healing) and I came back to sanity. Now, there was no way I was going to jump back into the abuse.”
Please know there are deep inner reasons (within yourself) that are triggering these feelings. You may feel like you are going insane … this will make more sense to you as you keep reading …
Number Three – Trauma Bonding
How do you know when you are trauma bonded?
You know this is happening if you can’t stop thinking and ruminating about something, and you can’t seem to settle on an answer within yourself that feels solid in your body. When you are trauma bonded it feels impossible to do this.
You are trauma bonded when you have unhealed internal traumas, still existing from your past, which match the person that you can’t stop obsessing about.
I talked about where trauma originates in a recent You Tube LIVE. If you haven’t seen it yet, you can click on this link: Where Does Our Trauma Come From?
Think of trauma bonding as a faulty and painful inner love / interpersonal relationship code. It’s how you are programmed on this topic within your subconscious. This is what is going on inside your emotional, somatic, limbic being.
Faulty and painful inner Love Codes refer to unhealed trauma from our genetic history, our childhoods, past lives, and even the human collective. (My You Tube Live goes more deeply into this).
These are traumas such as, “The people I love hurt / abuse / reject / replace / betray / annihilate me.”
If these energetic Love Codes (which are very painful) are not replaced and reprogrammed then you will be highly attracted to, and attractive to the people who are the exact MATCH of these Love Codes.
What do subconscious programmes do? They generate with life and others “the truth” of these programs to the letter. They relate to what we feel, think, choose and who and what we participate with.
The illusion is “these things are happening to me”, yet because of these faulty inner Love Codes what is really going on is “these things are happening through me”.
In no way does this make it YOUR fault. You never asked for these traumas and they were implanted in you from other people also infected with trauma.
However, until you understand that the traumas are in your being and that only you can turn inwards to find them and release them, you will keep having the same experiences with identical people, and will stay attached to them trying to fix or force them to change. But it will never work.
The only person you can change, to change your life, is yourself.
And, even if you do break away from these people, but still don’t lean inwards to heal your inner faulty, painful Love Codes, you will still be trauma bonded.
I promise you that there are people still obsessing and unresolved 50 years after separation. The abuse STILL lives on inside of them.
Why? Because it matches their unhealed Love Code.
Celia, another amazing Thriver, had been separated from her abusive husband for 38 years and reported, “There was not a day in my life that thoughts of him didn’t cripple me.”
In three short months after turning inwards with Thriver Healing to address her trauma bonds, and heal her inner Love Codes that matched his abuse, she reported, “I don’t think about him anymore. I truly am free.”
Number Four – Being Disconnected From Source
I remember that after narcissistic abuse I believed I was cursed.
I honestly thought that God was punishing me and had forsaken me. I felt like I was abandoned and life was over for me. I didn’t understand, until working with Thriver Healing and Quanta Freedom Healing, that I had been attached to false sources.
Narcissists are False Selves. They purport to be the Source of love, approval, security and survival to us. We cling to them to try to get them to provide us with wholeness that we don’t yet feel solid within ourselves.
Most of us who were narcissistically abused, did not know how to unconditionally love ourselves. Rather, we believed that we were lovable for “what we did” or “how much we pleased others”.
We tried to twist ourselves into a hundred different shapes for narcissists, but no matter what we did, we were damned if we did or damned if we didn’t.
It wasn’t until I worked on my Inner Being with the Higher Power component – the Light of God / Source / Creation – that I was able to load up my traumas, release them to this Higher Power, and fill with Light where those traumas once were.
Then I detached from False Sources and I came home to True Source.
I started to experience a feeling of love within that I had never known, and I had previously looked for in all the wrong places.
I began to feel more accepted than I could imagine, without needing to earn it from others, or even from myself.
The feelings of safety, security and survival that filled me, generated my own “wholeness” without needing any achievements or physical evidence to feel this way.
This was astounding considering I had lost everything and everyone as a result of narcissistic abuse.
Yet now I finally understood … it is this Light of Source that can heal what my limited human mind couldn’t. From those feelings of wholeness, “more wholeness” – namely healthy love, approval, security and survival started pouring into my life to match it.
By filling myself with Light – more Light came.
Finally, without my trauma, I was connecting authentically to Source.
Number Five – Being Attached to External Value
I can’t tell you how many people, understandably just like I did, have been through the horror of financial destruction after narcissistic abuse.
Recently I shared a post on Facebook about this same topic – because it is a BIG one to heal. This is some of what I wrote …
“After narcissistic abuse and losing so much – everything I had slaved for my entire life (after being an absolute workaholic), and being back at square one with monstrous losses and the inability to function and “just get up and get on with it” – I burnt in hell over these losses for about six months.
I was getting sicker and sicker and sicker … until I finally understood …
I had never known the TRUE value of my Soul.
My Inner Being desperately needed me to finally turn inwards. It needed me to stop placing my value on “what I had” or “I need to be secure in the future”, to what really mattered – the healing of my Soul.
The feelings of “I’m a failure”, “I’ll never rebuild” and “What will people think of me” all started to melt away as my traumas left my body and I started to fill with the love of Source.
That’s when my life started to take off. Opportunity, miracle and prosperity came easily to me, not because I sought it, but because I sought my wholeness directly from Source.
For the first time in my life I organically started making healthy decisions. I had the confidence to shine the light that was burning bright within me and share it with the outer world.
No longer was I “doing” work out of fear, now I was “being” work from a place of love and joy.”
Please know this – prosperity and abundance flows from this place.
Where there is “no way” … the way appears. I promise you with all my heart that there have been Thrivers in our community, no matter what age, even those that walked away from everything, and had “no apparent” way to rebuild, who were nourished by Source and financially flourished beyond measure because of valuing their Soul first.
I promise you wellbeing on every level, including financial, comes to you when you put becoming whole on the inside first.
Yes, you absolutely need to survive. Ask for and accept help. Minimize your commitments. Do whatever it takes to get the space to make your greatest mission your own healing. The spiritual compensation that comes will blow you away.
(You can see so many of these Thriver Stories in our testimony section).
Number Six – Missing What You Had
If you stay stuck in the victimisation of “this happened TO me”, instead of “this happened FOR me” you will sabotage your healing process.
At the higher, wider, true Soul level everything happens for a reason.
The breakdown / breakthrough opportunity of narcissistic abuse is about freeing yourself from the internal traumas that have not as yet allowed you to fully be connected to Source and your Higher Consciousness and Highest Potential – all the beautiful connections, love, expansion and missions that your Soul deeply desires. I promise you this is what Thriver Recovery is all about!
Maybe, and this is totally understandable, you miss “what you should have had”. Or you think, “It’s too late for me. I have to try to hang on to what I have.”
I want you to know with all of my heart, that when you leave a False Self and False Life behind, and you align with healing yourself to become your True Self and True Life, with Source flowing through you as you – you will NOT miss your old life at all.
Rather, you will see it as the ending of the old inferior order that was completely necessary, in order to free you onto the trajectory of the new evolutionary order – the Life that was always your Soul right to live.
The one where you are anchored in your truth, generating that which matches your values and truths. Where you are free to be yourself, live your purpose and dreams and be a true inspiration to yourself and all of life and others who have the capacity and desire to meet you at a higher vibrational level.
So many people (this was the previous me as well) believed our life was over as a result of narcissistic abuse. It’s not the truth. Even for people in our wonderful Thriver Community who are in their 70’s and beyond, their lives are JUST beginning!
Our beautiful Thriver Dot, after four narcissistic relationships, and a narcissistic childhood did her inner healing Thriver work and courageously left her husband. She obtained a very fair settlement, joyfully started writing a book and learning piano, met a beautiful caring genuine man in her retirement village and felt more deeply in love than she had ever been her entire life.
She is also reunited with three generations of her previously narcissistically alienated family.
All of this happened within 12 months of leaving.
Please don’t tell me it’s “too late for me!” Dot is living proof that your Soul is ageless, and once you start releasing trauma and filling with Source, your True Life begins at any age.
In Conclusion
Please know the reason you have been struggling with healing is NOT because you are defective, or unable to heal. Not at all!
Before understanding how internal trapped trauma is responsible for the breakdowns in our life, and how releasing it provides the breakthrough in abuse recovery, I too believed after decades of therapy and countless seminars, courses, books, research and everything else, that I couldn’t heal either.
I am so happy to report to you that you don’t have to go through these struggles anymore. Over the last thirteen years I have been able to not only create my own medically deemed “impossible” healing, but also help thousands of people from all over the world heal in ways that astounded them as well – even after they had exhausted every avenue possible.
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