Being
in CoDA has taught me a lot about my control patterns. I’ve recently realized
that I can’t help but want to control the emotions of everyone around me. And
more importantly, I have worn myself down into a pattern of deciding for my
loved ones what they should be thinking or feeling.
I
suffered sexual abuse as a 10-year-old. My family covered it up because the
perpetrator was my brother. I am 30 now, but I am still firmly entrenched in
the victim role. This means I can’t stand it when members of my family don’t
react how I would like them to. I can’t perceive them as anything but
disappointing or thoughtless when they don’t meet my expectations. Although I
feel that my family has been less than adequate when it comes to offering me
emotional support, I have also come to realize that it isn’t just about me. I
know that for a long time I have been ignoring their own possible internal
dialogue. I throw that out because I want to be angry. I want to stay in the
victim position and view them all as failing me. I think a long time ago I
decided that as I am the victim, everyone should be giving me what I need –
whether they like it or not.
CoDA
has helped me learn to be more accepting of people’s struggles. Meetings enable
me to remember that while I am struggling; my loved ones also have their own
battles that I may know nothing about. So instead of reacting indignantly when
people don’t give me the response I want, I can now take a step back and a deep
breath – reminding myself that while the trauma happened to me, the associated
suffering isn’t only mine. Just because my family might not feel what I feel, that
doesn’t mean they aren’t struggling as much as me or in a different way.
Knowing that my own feelings and thoughts are not necessarily "right"
has enabled me to let go of some anger and start to behave more rationally.
Today
I can fully accept that I am not a mind-reader, and my intuition isn’t always
correct. I am now seeing some real change, as with practice and continued
support in meetings I am starting to respond rationally, rather than reacting
on impulse.
Laura
– 6/7/16
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