Narcissistic love is so painful. And when you escape narcissistic love there can still be great trepidation about trying to be in a love relationship again.
I understand … so much. I was there too. I know many of you, like me, have done the inner work and then started to Thrive and flourish on your own. And many of you, like me, never believed this would be possible and have loved feeling this way on your own!
Or maybe you are not there yet – and that is totally okay too. (If you are still struggling to heal, then I recommend my Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program).
But is life without an intimate partner the best there is for us? (One thing is for sure, it is sooooo much better than being in an abusive relationship). Or can we dare to dream of healthy, fulfilling, Soul-satisfying love after being decimated by a narcissist?
For many of us this can be a big leap of faith – especially if you once believed that the narcissist in your life was your True Soul Mate (as so many of us did).
Is there REAL love after this?
I don’t just believe there is. I know there is. I am living it.
Today I want to inspire you with the 6 Steps to manifesting safe and healthy love after narcissistic abuse. This is a prelude to my upcoming Quantum Dating Bootcamp in early July. (Heads up … this is really a Soul Mate Creation Bootcamp – because you don’t need to date within the 6 weeks if you are not ready to …)
Many of you are joining me for these Soul Mate Creation healings and teachings, and even if you aren’t, my deepest desire today is that you will have powerful takeaways that can enter your heart and make you believe that Real Love, regardless of what you have lost and gone through, can happen for you too.
And … I hope the information I am about to share, will change the ways you have thought about Dating and Love, from fear and pain, to power, possibility and positivity!
I really want you to get that Soul Mate Love is not mere chance for those of us who have had abuse trauma. Neither is Soul Mate love created by waiting for God / Source/ The Universe to roll the dice in our favour. It’s something that we can only lovingly and inspirationally create for ourselves.
This is why I want to share with you my story about my dear friend and client Kylie and her transformation from narcissistic love to Soul Mate Love.
You may personally relate to Kylie’s story. Please know these 6 steps that I worked through with Kylie, work for each journey from narcissistic abuse to Soul Mate love, regardless of the person, gender, background or traumas. I hope after reading these 6 steps you will feel into and know why and how true love is possible for all of us.
Let’s start investigating the 6 steps to manifesting safe and healthy love after narcissistic abuse.
Step 1 – Aligning With Your Soul Mate
Please know most people who have been abused by narcissists don’t know their values, rights and truths. (I didn’t once either!) We felt wrong or guilty for “taking up space”, for saying “No” and laying boundaries (stating, “This is what I stand for and accept, and this is what I won’t accept”).
Our caretakers possibly violated our boundaries with enmeshing and controlling behaviour where they took over our values and rights, or we were emotionally abandoned and neglected where we started people pleasing or high achieving to earn love and approval.
Where were our rights, truths and values developed as our inner foundations? They weren’t!
Without these we don’t have a “healthy self-love foundation”. This has caused us to unknowingly, unconsciously make painful love choices. Most people believe that shared interests and chemical attraction is what is necessary for a Soul Mate connection. It’s not. It’s how most narcissists present.
A narcissist can easily pretend to “adore” the things that you are interested in, and they feel “familiar” (chemically attractive) – so familiar that it feels like a Soul Mate from long ago … uncannily so!
The reason why narcissists feel so compelling, attractive and “familiar” is because they deeply represent our unhealed wounds. They bring to us “more of” our unhealed love patterns from our childhoods and even beyond.
So how do we escape this terrible trap?
By getting VERY, VERY, VERY (have I said this enough?) clear on what our rights and values need to be to choose a person who has the desire, character and capacity to have a healthy, happy, evolved relationship with.
The person you choose is the person you get. Interests and chemistry actually have nothing to do with Soul Mate choices (even though we thought they did!). How many of us in the old “love game” felt attracted, connected and bonded to people, yet woke up one day with the knowing, “You ‘re really not a nice person!”?
Then of course, we tried to change them against their will, to be safe, loving and caring, whilst stuck in a toxic, abusive relationship.
Aligning with Soul Mate Love is such a big topic, and there are many parts to it, but what I can grant you is some of the true characteristics of people that you need to take your time to ascertain (and there are ways to do this powerfully and safely). Necessary character traits like … kindness, authenticity, integrity and a desire for teamwork.
My dear friend and client Kylie used to fall into relationships with “bad boys”. They were charismatic, charming, handsome and a little edgy. Being intelligent, pretty and a barrel of laughs, these men were very attracted to her. After too many painful brushes with narcissists (one which devastated her life) Kylie knew she had to approach love in a much more deliberate way.
She had this quandary though, “I’m not attracted to or inspired by good guys. They bore me!”
After she worked with me and Quanta Freedom Healings, to anchor into inner truths of necessary foundational character and relationship traits, a huge shift occurred. This is consistent with people who used to be “attracted to the wrong people” because where inner healing and focus goes, energy flows. Kylie was losing her attraction to “bad boys” and decent men started “shining brightly” to her.
A large part of this was training Kylie on how to create a Soul Mate Partner List – the right way. (This powerfully starts to call in a healthy Soul Mate.) This had her non-negotiable values (such as previously mentioned) and her truths that were vital for her – such as tall, fun, adventurous, loves life and travel … and then she realised “interests” and “physicality” other than “tall” were not so important. Who cared if someone loved the same songs or not that were her favourites? (As so many narcissists in the past had purported!)
Okay so it was one thing for Kylie to get very clear about “who” her Soul Mate needed to be, but how could she “stand in” this to receive it.
This brought her to Step Number 2.
Step 2 – Mating Your Own Soul
I taught Kylie that to connect with a healthy Soul Mate, someone who would love, accept and support her as herself, meant that she had to accept, love and stand as “herself”.
This was our next level of “peeling” back her previous beliefs that had made her show up with men in ways that she thought would please them, by being what she thought they wanted her to be instead of being “herself”. She now understood this had caused her to attract in False Selves – narcissists – people who were also not authentic.
Step 2 is some of the realest (and most necessary) work any of us ever have to do to line up with Soul Mate Creation. It’s usually deep work that is greatly enhanced and accelerated with inner shifts (Quanta Freedom Healing).
Kylie was dynamic and entrepreneurial. Men appeared to love this, but then would compete with her, be pathologically envious and sabotage her success. Kylie realised her programming had been, “I have to play small to not threaten men.” And, “If I shine, I will be rejected and attacked.” And, “I can’t have a loving partner and personal success at the same time.”
She was determined to change this around. I shared with her how this had been a big issue for me too, until I stood (and Quanta Freedom Healing shifted) into accepting this part of me. Then I stood fully in my deservedness of being loved as the FULL me. (I’m thrilled to say that my Soul Mate Glenn supports me incredibly in my work and life mission.)
Kylie had also previously tried to be funny, sexy, upbeat and entertaining. She realised her Real Self was also quiet, thoughtful and needed space and time to herself. Something the previous men in her life had always detested. They had exhausted her previously, and it also meant that when she needed uplifting and comfort that it was never forthcoming. Rather she was belittled for being “moody” “over-sensitive” and “depressed.”
Big inner work was needed on this too. We worked on specific shifts to get this transformation happening in her Inner Being, to accept these parts of herself.
After a few healing / coaching sessions, Kylie reported how who she called “her chardonnay friends” were dropping off. These were people who would only accept Kylie being a “certain way” whilst feeding off her energy, whereas deeper friendships were developing. Kylie had also started vibrating towards meeting new people. More loving, authentic and real people who were gratifying her Soul so much more.
Kylie was becoming more and more comfortable to “be herself”.
I was so excited for her, because I knew this was a powerful sign Kylie was on the right path to her Soul Mate Creation. But there was more to go!
Step 3 – Changing Your Love Code
We all have Love Codes that can be healthy and unhealthy. Those of us who have suffered narcissistic, toxic and disappointing love relationships have unhealthy Love Codes.
What is a person’s individual Love Code? It is your “Love equals (fill in the gap)” Inner Identity Truth.
Kylie’s Love Code up to this point had been, “The people I love treat me like an object, steal my energy and Life Force, are threatened by me, sabotage and degrade me, exploit and annihilate me.”
My relevant question to Kylie was “How do these people come into your life?” She said, “They compliment my looks, tell me how incredible I am, love bomb me, sweep me off my feet and we connect very quickly.”
Kylie and I, with specific Quanta Freedom Healing shifts released her from these Inner Love Codes so that she would no longer be attracted to men who showed up in this way, and so that she could emotionally create space for healthy people to present (which she admitted would have always felt like to her that they weren’t really interested in her).
I helped her get very clear about NOT participating with any people who showed up in her life in this way – and how to lay clear boundaries letting them know she was worth more – truthfully and calmly.
We also wrote her a dating profile, on a reputable site, reflecting her new healthy Love Code.
She had more shifts to go, from the old Love Code, (which feels comfortable) to the new improved Love Code (which initially feels uncomfortable) but she was determined to get this right and kept shifting and healing.
The Universe, right on cue, delivered the “test” to see if she was changed. An old beau (the one she thought had got away years ago) made contact with her out of the blue.
He did his usual thing. Sexualised her. Discussed a sexual memory of her and said he missed her. Her old self would have gone along and fallen straight back into dinner, wine and bed with this man who had no intention of having a long lasting or real relationship with her.
But this time something else clicked, she immediately felt objectified rather than flattered. She said, “Mark, I’m no longer that girl. I am now a grown woman who only dates men who see me as a valuable Soul. Men who want to court me and win my heart and commit to me.”
Mark went silent. Then he tried to ignore what she said and continued sexualising her. She said, “Goodbye Mark”, and promptly blocked all contact with him.
When Kylie told me what had happened, and that she felt no longing, loss, or wondering if she had been “too harsh”, but instead felt elated, I punched the air with joy for her! I knew this was a MASSIVE graduation away from her Old Love Code to show Creation itself, “I am serious about being Loved and Valued.”
Hello New Love Code!
I knew it was only a matter of time before True Soul Mate Love would be hers!
Now it was about generating meetings with the right men!
Step 4 – Healthy Dating Protocol
This step is for people who have done the above 3 steps. In fact, I would never recommend dating until you have worked through steps 1-3, because the Inner Love trajectory you may still be on could be yucky, painful, and very scary.
However, I promise you that when you go through the inner transformations that Kylie went through, like her, you will still be nervous, but also excited.
I taught her the step-by-step dating protocol that means you are multiple dating, with the power and ability to ascertain people quickly from email to phone conversation to coffee date. You never meet at anyone’s home. You have healthy boundaries.
This easily flushes out narcissists and when you get more deeply into this, you will understand exactly why.
Kylie was becoming a “boundary beast” … and she was beyond excited to tell me about her dating experiences.
One guy tried to hit on her sexually and she said to him, “I don’t do sex before relationship exclusivity or having gotten to know someone for long enough to see if they have the values that I am looking for in a partner.”
She said he looked at her like she had two heads and couldn’t get out of the date quick enough. That sorted him out! She laughed and was thrilled that she could flush out the wrong people.
Not all men she went on dates with behaved like this. When men asked her what she was looking for she had been honest, “A life partner to share my life with. I’m in no hurry to choose, because it will be the right man for me.” She had very quickly been asked out on second dates with good men. Some she said “No” to and others “Yes”.
Men said to Kylie what they said to me when I was dating, just before Glenn and I met. They said things like, “You are completely different from other women I have met.” “You are a breath of fresh air, a woman who actually values herself and knows what she wants.” “It’s so good I didn’t have to go through two months of emails to meet up.” And … “I really want to get to know you more.”
Kylie had a line up now of great guy suitors – platonically. They were stepping up wanting to win her, to be “her guy” and they knew they had to work for this. Kylie was honest about multiple dating until she would decide if she wanted to go exclusive with someone.
Men respected her if she said “No” to any future dates. They wished her all the best and were grateful she had been honest, considerate and mature and that they were not left with voice messages and silence.
Kylie told me how stunned she was that there were so many “normal” nice men in the world. I told her; I also had felt the same when I Quantum Dated! But now I know this is “normal” adult behaviour – narcissism isn’t! There are many lovely people in the world, but we have to shift and break free from our old trauma alignments to reach them.
Now that Kylie was going on second dates, and her suitors were stepping up, she needed to know how to really identify healthy people … in healthy ways.
Step 5 – Safety And Power In Dating
Running to men had been Kylie’s old pattern. She was the girlfriend who said to her friends, “This really cute guy wants to take me out to dinner; I can’t come over tonight as we planned.”
Kylie now knew to retain herself and her life. She wanted to share a healthy life with her Soul Mate, not get with someone to try to get his life or have him siphon her Life Force. She was done with co-dependency, neediness, power struggles and obsessing.
The due diligence was happening organically with Kylie’s remaining and new incoming suitors. If they weren’t okay with her living her life and making mutually reasonable times to meet up, then they fell of her potential suitor list.
She was happy for them to continue dating other people, just as she was. She knew nobody owes anyone anything until exclusivity commitments are made and that, “There will be no missing a real Soul Mate.” Some men were kind, respectful and admired her being a “self”, the ones that tried to pressure, or ghosted her she let go of, knowing there is “better from where that came from.”
The old her would have caved in to the pressure, or felt so hurt she would have chased after them and offered herself up to them.
Some of her old triggers hit (as expected), but she stayed diligent to the specific Quanta Freedom Healings to release these traumas, up-level herself and stay in her truth of her “self” and her life, as well as make time to date.
The right men who were continuing to show up, were solid and secure selves who had their own real, interesting lives and healthy relationships within them. They weren’t needy, obsessive or possessive.
They didn’t text 6 times in a row.
They didn’t try to monopolise Kylie, guilt her or frighten her into connecting.
They were considerate, patient and mature and their actions matched their words.
Absolutely none of them were narcissists (narcissists don’t stand a chance to get this far), they were well balanced REAL guys.
It’s Quantum Law, so within so without. Like attracts like.
It was getting much closer … Kylie’s choosing of a Soul Mate.
Which brings us to our last step
Step 6 – Choosing And Navigating Your Soul Mate
Kylie asked me, “How will I know when it’s my Soul Mate?” I replied honestly, “You won’t know for sure, but the following is a strong indication.”
After seeing this person several times, you know that this person reflects the values that are non-negotiable, and their actions match their words, as well as align with what is really important in your life. This person is available for a relationship with you, wants one with you and agrees to a non-sexual exclusive dating commitment to get to know each other better before becoming physical.
And, when you hang out with this person you feel like they could be your best friend, you respect them dearly, and are attracted to them, but more in a “putting on a comfy warm sweater” sort of love feeling rather than an obsessive, impulsive rollercoaster.
Every suitor in Kylie’s life would have agreed to the exclusivity commitment, because they were quite frankly smitten with her, knew she was of high value, respected her and wanted a relationship with her.
One guy, Robert stood out. He was kind, honest and responsible. He also loved travel and shared many of Kylie’s important values. She loved his life outlook, what he stood for and how he was honest, respectful and followed through on his word. She told me she felt that “warm safe cosy sweater” feeling with him.
I asked whether he wanted to be exclusive with her. She said, “He has said whenever you want that with me, I want that too.” Then she asked, “What if it is wrong and I make a mistake?” I said to her, “You can’t get this wrong. Keep being yourself and truthful and kind, but above all be willing to lose someone else if you have to lose yourself to stay with them. If you have to end this relationship, or he was to end it, you have had such a wonderful graduation in how far you have come, it is an incredible success!”
“And if he’s not your true Soul Mate, by letting go of this, if it doesn’t work, you then open the door to an even higher vibrational partner. It’s all perfect no matter how it turns out.”
There were more Quanta Freedom Healings needed for Kylie to release herself from the fear of, “What am I getting myself in to?!” (Perfectly understandable after narcissistic abuse experiences.)
Kylie went exclusive with Robert. They were platonic for two months before they became physical. For the first time ever in a relationship Kylie was showing up as honest. She retained her passion for success which Robert was incredibly supportive of. She allowed herself to relax, recharge and be quiet when needed. She no longer felt like she needed to put a performance on in bed and could just be herself sexually as well as receive his attention and love. She communicated, she asked for what she needed in healthy ways, and she retained her life and interests.
She had never (just as I hadn’t either) experienced someone who also wanted team, truth, resolution and growth with her. Robert was this guy.
Absolutely Robert is a Soul Mate for Kylie – he shares her values. He loves her spunk and drive. When she is happy and achieving and successful, he supports her and loves her for her. And when she is quiet and down and needs a hug or space or compassion, he is there in spades for her too. He will run a bath, cook, make tea and let her rest.
Yes, they have had disagreements. Every relationship does. Kylie can have her moments and so can Robert, they are not perfect. But what is different is they both care about each other and their relationship together. Solution is sought by both. Care for each other and compassion rules. Love wins.
This is what I have with my Soul Mate, Glenn, too.
In Conclusion
I hope you have enjoyed Kylie’s journey. I adored helping Kylie break through into true love. I have helped many other people over the years achieve this too … ever since I “cracked the code” 4 years ago to meet and be with my Soul Mate Glenn.
You may be thinking Kylie is attractive, funny and successful, this is why she had options.
I want you to know there is nothing further from the truth, and in fact it is this demographic of woman (just like kind, generous, successful men) who are most susceptible to being targeted by narcissists.
I have helped people, men and women, of all ages, shapes and sizes, character, backgrounds and literally without financial condition connect up to their Soul Mate as a result of working with them through these 6 steps.
Real Love is unconditional – it just is, when you know how to be the person after abuse, to generate it.
Just as I would never have noticed Glenn, or connected with him, or been right for him before my transformation, Robert and Kylie would never have connected either.
No comments:
Post a Comment