Allowing Myself to Be Human!
I’ve
been in 12-Step recovery more than 30 years off and on. I realize now that
every time I went out on drugs it was over a codependent issue. With each loss
I had no sense of self or self-love. I was in so much pain I really wanted to
die!
I
was extremely compliant, always looking at what could I do for others. I came
to CoDA 7 years ago. It was total insanity with my mother, so my therapist
suggested I might join CoDA. I didn’t think I was codependent. I thought, “I’m
independent!” … I had no idea what always doing for others is about. Today I’m
in a Step Group and oh, my goodness, these are definitely my core issues! So, I
want to share my most recent lesson. I’m working the 4th Step in group. We
decided to take each one of the characteristics and write, “How has this hurt
me?” Then write, “How has this hurt others?” Wow, it totally kicked my butt!
All these years in recovery I have never felt so accountable for myself. All
those parts of me that I can be … mean, controlling, sarcastic, punishing,
hurtful. Ouch! I was open, honest, and vulnerable. As hard as that was, I
received a beautiful gift. A deep realization that we all as humans have
qualities we are not so proud of. I believe we all have wonderful, beautiful,
caring, giving, loving parts of ourselves as well. That is what makes us all
human beings, all the good, and all the not so great.
It
is leaving me with deep peace that it is okay to be human. This knowing and
learning to love myself seems much bigger to me. I am precious and human, free
to make mistakes, and have joy beyond measure! Thank you, CoDA.
Sincerely,
KB
08/20/202
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