The Lotus Flower Still
Blossoming and Breathing
I
have always wanted to submit a story to the CoDA community. I went to my first
CoDA meeting in late July of 2016, just a few months after entering my AA
program. To this day, the beautiful women I met at my very first meeting, are
still just as near and dear to me. They are “my tribe” and my “soul sisters” in
recovery. Without their and so many others’ humility, courage, and strength, I
don’t know if I would still be here today. Without my strength and willingness
to continue to be open, learn, grow, share (especially when I don’t want to
share), and be completely honest where I am at, then I would not be here today.
I
had a really hard time in my first year or so “getting” or understanding the
CoDA program and how I could turn the decades of emotional abandonment, old
tapes, real emotional trauma from the time I was a freshman in high school due
to severe bullying, and all the fear and shame over to my higher power. So, I
was honest, took notes in my CoDA books, reached out to women I trusted,
journaled, and kept talking. I started to find myself and trust myself more and
more. Sometimes I had to fake it until I made it. All those feelings and
experiences was growth. Learning how to trust myself was and still is growth.
When
I find myself “off the beam” as my dear friend would say, I can identify that
feeling and check-in with myself sooner and ask myself what I need or reach out
for help. Or sometimes, I just sit with that feeling, but not pack a bag and
stay there too long. Acceptance. That is the power of working the program and
showing up and learning and growing for me. I go back to Steps 1, 2, and 3 as
many times as I need to get my bearings. I share and keep coming back without
shame if I am still stuck. I believe I am where I am supposed to be and keep
learning as I go. I may have some, dare I say the word “defects” of character,
but when I am checking in with myself, I can say “hello, thank you for helping
me right-size that a little better.” The dis-ease (disease) – getting it out so
it does not take me out. I deserve to breathe and love myself! Learning this
from other’s experience and shares helps me stay on a brighter path on a
sometimes-muddy road. I more often find myself dancing on that muddy road than
hiding. Thanks to CoDA and my sisters and recovery peers.
Looking
back on where I was and where I am now, I can say I have learned to love
myself, trust myself and find beauty even in the dark. This is my journey – a
miraculous, beautiful journey that has changed me and blossomed me just like a
lotus flower. When I don’t know what to do, I just breathe and pray, because I
know I am not alone and it will be ok. Keep coming back. You are loved and WE
are worth it.
H.O.P.E.
– Hold On Pain Ends. This is one of my favorite lines. It is true! We are all
miracles every time we show up. It is a true miracle to watch others transform
and grow in their program. It is special to be able to pass my experience,
strength and hope to another. That’s all I have to do. It helps me and others.
The 12 Promises are real. They’ve happened for me. And I am working them because
I’m worth it!
Becky
F. 9/21/2022
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