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Here I am, in and out of reality on a daily basis.
Living in a dream, waking to face the realities of my actions. Pain and suffering, deep reflection and learning. Transforming into my best self while losing so much in the process.
This is the work and it is the most difficult part of life I have ever faced. One of the most important things of late is having someone I love holding the mirror directly upon my face. I see my reflection and I’m scared—scared they will drop the mirror and run. This is where fear keeps coming into my life, but I must let it go.
Everything inside of me wants to speak, is it coming from the fear? What would I say?
“If you drop that mirror and look back, you will see thousands of reflections in the broken glass. Half are of me, scared yet strong and in my power ready to change. The other half are you, your decisions that lay ahead. You can choose to keep running and you will see that reflection no matter how far away you get, or, you can help me pick up the pieces and we can face it together. Together with love, forgiveness, and intent to change the future. It doesn’t matter where we go, who we go with, but as long as our hearts are healed here and now, we can go further and still hold that place in our hearts for each other.”
That’s not my place to say to anyone else for I can only dictate my own journey. All the words in the world will only exhaust myself and other mirrors in my life. But is that other part of my mirror someone else or another reflection of me?
I feel exhausted; this journey has taken a toll on my body, my mind, and my soul. My mind says it’s time to quit. My soul says to push on and my body seems to be willing to follow either one but knows the hard work will pay off.
I am feeling weak, hurt, sad, and I have sought help—help from my partner, friends, family, therapy, and more. My emotional baggage continues to follow me, and I’m feeling overwhelmed with my feelings. Guilty that I’m feeling them. Sad that I have difficulty sharing them without hurting others. Confused about the hurt and struggling to find the answers deep within where I have never looked before.
My monkey mind keeps chiming in to prevent my soul’s response, the trickery keeps responding to every little fear, every single insecurity, and like a boss, my soul pushes them outward for me to witness. My soul assures me to face them. See what it does around me and follow that path back within to the depths of who and what I am, to grow from these experiences and to learn what I haven’t. The turmoil within this change is difficult, as I’m only beginning to understand self-control—controlling my emotions and words and being with them on my own.
I’m learning confidence and security in who I am and how to share myself with the world. I’m letting go of outside control, slowly but surely, and learning to control my mind while listening to my soul. I’m abandoning ego and competing with my future self to fulfill my life and my goals. I’m determined to become the best version of myself—for myself and my family. I’m finding the pillars of support by asking for help and being vulnerable—something I’ve never been able to do.
I’m reminded daily by friends and family that this journey is mine and mine alone. They acknowledge how far I’ve come and give me praise that is genuine but seems to fall on the wayside. I need my own praise, my affirmations. I see where I am and I know where I was. I have made some of the biggest changes in my life within a few months; I can’t give up now. I must continue my journey—for me. I will.
My hope from this particular journal is that anyone struggling to give into their old habits, sink back into depression, or even hurt themselves because they think it’s too late, or that nothing can fixed…well, my hope is that you can find strength and love within yourself where I’m finding strength and love within me. Profound revelations are right around the next bend, just over the horizon. Don’t give up; believe in yourself. You are beautiful and have more than you realize to offer this world. We are all unique and we should encourage each other to express our uniqueness. Love yourself and don’t ever quit.
~
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