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“What a lovely surprise to discover how unlonely being alone can be.” ~ Ellen Burstyn
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I think at some point in our lives, we’ve all fallen victim to the “better somebody, than nobody” narrative.
After all, we are conditioned to believe we need another to make us whole. We need another to make us happy and fulfil us. If we are alone that will surely mean we are lonely.
Being alone is not normal according to some archaic idea that has been sold to the masses and has now become mainstream.
But here’s the thing…we are not all the same. Some of us thrive in relationships. Some of us thrive as parents. And some of us thrive alone. There is no right or wrong here; there’s simply autonomy, individuality, and respect for others. There’s the right to choose how we wish to live.
I look at relationships through a different lens these days. In my younger days, I loved the idea of love. Romance. Fairy tales. It was important for me to be chosen by someone. To be part of a couple. To leave those single days behind me. I fitted in. We all had the same goal of finding that partner, getting married, and having kids. We didn’t want to be left on the shelf because we knew those old spinsters were unhappy, crabby, miserable, crazy women who had pets because nobody wanted them. Aaah yes, that conditioning. We were better than that. We were chosen.
Several decades later, with maturity, wisdom, and a huge dose of insight and self-awareness, I now see what a ridiculous lie we were sold. How ridiculous our judgements of others were. How naïve our thinking was. Not because love and relationships are wrong or bad; they can be absolutely beautiful—with the right person. Not because there aren’t happily ever afters, because there are some genuine happy ever afters.
But because it’s not the only option. It’s not the only path to fulfilment and happiness. Because some people stay in places and with people far longer than they should for fear of being alone. For fear of being judged and different. Because we have a whole bunch of people jumping from one damaged relationship to the next, leaving a trail of destruction behind them because they don’t know how to spend time in solitude and work on themselves. They don’t know how to heal and grow alone. Because we’ve been taught that loneliness comes from being alone, which is a lie.
Here are my notes of compassionate wisdom to all the Dear Lonely Hearts:
Dear Lonely Heart…the reason you feel lonely is because you have disconnected from yourself. You have voids that you are trying to fill externally, but they need to be filled from within. You need to sit in the silence, in your own space and listen. Listen to what your heart and soul are saying. Learn to be alone and find what it is you enjoy.
Dear Lonely Heart…your desperate need to be with somebody, anybody, is attracting all the wrong people into your life. The need for validation to feel good about yourself is dismantling any boundaries you have in place.
Dear Lonely Heart…you need to learn to love yourself. Without self-love, you allow others to love you less than you deserve. You accept breadcrumbs. Your worth comes from how others treat you, when it should come from within.
Dear Lonely Heart…we are all on a journey of healing and growing. Each of us has work to do. We don’t need to be fully healed to be in a relationship, but we do need to have done some healing. We do need to have acknowledged our own part in the downfall of previous relationships. We do need to have mourned our previous losses. We do need to have awareness of our own toxicity and done work on that. We do need to have an understanding of our triggers and get underneath those. We need to always be willing to do the work. If we don’t, we inflict our pain and hurt on others.
Dear Lonely Heart…don’t bounce from one relationship to another, because you’re setting yourself up for failure. Grieve the ending of a relationship. Spend some time working through your feelings. What did you learn from the relationship and the breakup? What do you want to be different next time? What can you do to be a better partner, lover, and human? Give yourself time. Give yourself space. Disconnect from dating and connect with family, friends, nature and yourself.
Dear Lonely Heart…don’t chase. Don’t search. Don’t omit the lack you are feeling out into the world. If you’re unfulfilled and unhappy alone, you will be unfulfilled and unhappy with a partner. You will also chase people who are not necessarily healthy for you. Meeting another unhappy and unfulfilled person is a recipe for disaster.
Dear Lonely Heart…understand that love and connection come in many forms. Understand that if you don’t connect to yourself, you will never fully connect with another. Get to know yourself. Not the surface you. Not the you that wears masks. Not the you that you show others. But the real you. The multifaceted you. Strip all the layers back and discover who you are at your core. Don’t be afraid to let others see the real you in all your messiness.
There is still so much pressure and judgement in society about how we are meant to live. And quite honestly, most of it is the stories we tell ourselves that have been passed down from generation to generation. There is nothing wrong with choice. There is nothing wrong with marrying. Not marrying. Having kids. Not having kids. Being single. Not being single. The only thing wrong with any of this is the need for others to feel they have the right to judge.
So many feel lonely because they have this belief that they must have a partner to feel whole, never realising they are already whole; they have just forgotten how to connect with themselves. How to be fulfilled alone. How to love life at every stage. Why are we always waiting? Chasing? Searching? Believing if this happens or that’s achieved, we will be happy, instead of being happy and grateful for what we already have.
Thinking you will be happy when you “find” your partner is terribly sad because life is now. Every day is a gift. Find your purpose and your passions. Enjoy your life and work on being the best version of yourself and let the rest unfold. Once you’re in this space, a partner coming along will be the icing on your beautifully baked cake rather than the whole cake. And if your cake remains un-iced, you’ll still be happy to enjoy it, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.
Dear Lonely Heart…happiness and fulfilment are an inside job. Look within.
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AUTHOR: MICHELLE SCHAFER
IMAGE: NOTHING AHEA
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