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Life isn’t always easy.
We inevitably have to face the loss of loved ones, illness, financial problems, and a whole host of other issues that can make life feel difficult at times.
However, much of the suffering we experience is something we choose. Sounds crazy? Why would we choose to suffer?
Well, here are three ways we choose to suffer and what ancient wisdom tells us we can do about it:
1. Avoid the second arrow.
The Stoic philosopher Epictetus introduced the “dichotomy of control” in his Enchiridion (handbook) compiled by his pupil Arrian in 125 CE.
This is summed up in his memorable words:
“It’s not what happens to us, but how we react that matters.”
Epictetus knew a thing or two about suffering. He was a slave who at some point in his life was beaten so badly that he became lame.
The Stoics thought it was crucial to differentiate between things outside of our control and things within our control. If we fail to do this, we suffer unnecessarily.
The Buddhists have a similar thought. They have a parable that it is painful to be struck by an arrow, but even more painful to be struck by a second arrow. The Buddha said:
“In life, we can’t always control the first arrow. However, the second arrow is our reaction to the first. The second arrow is optional.”
So how do we avoid the second arrow? The first step is awareness. If we are in emotional pain, we can stop and consider the first arrow. What has caused it? What is our emotional reaction to it? Note: this is not about avoiding or suppressing the feeling—it’s about recognizing what it is and how we are experiencing it.
Next, we can think about whether we are choosing to take the second arrow. For example, are we making the injury mean much more than it needs to?
For example, let’s say I forget to pay a parking fine and end up paying twice what I needed to. (And yes, I’ve done this several times this year. Don’t get me started.) My initial reaction could be to call myself an idiot. Worse, still, I might start to generalise, “Why are you always forgetting important things?” or even “Why are you so useless?”
You see how quickly we can launch ourselves into a doom spiral? When I find myself doing this, I try to spot it and nip it in the bud by simply laughing at how ludicrous this behaviour is. (To myself, if in public—otherwise, people will judge.) Another zinger of a quote from Epictetus was, “He who laughs at himself never runs out of things to laugh at,” so I should be able to keep myself amused for a while.
2. Stop paying so much attention to what others say.
Another huge source of unnecessary suffering is paying too much attention to what other people say.
Don Miguel Ruiz’s book, The Four Agreements, is based on ancient Toltec wisdom, from pre-Colombian South America. One of the Agreements is “Don’t take anything personally.”
“Whatever happens around you, don’t take it personally… Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves.”
When we accept the idea that another person “made me feel” a particular way, we give away our power to them. It doesn’t matter whether the thing they did was reasonable or unreasonable, justified or not justified, well-intentioned or ill-intentioned, nobody has the power to make us feel or behave in any way other than how we choose to feel or behave.
3. Stop worrying about things that may never happen.
We suffer unnecessarily when we make things mean more than they should or get upset by other people. But the other major source of unnecessary suffering is our reaction to things that have not yet happened—and may never happen. The Stoic philosopher and Roman Emporer Marcus Aurelius said:
“Never let the future disturb you. You will meet it, if you have to, with the same weapons of reason which arm you today against the present.”
More recently, the ever-quotable Mark Twain said:
“I’ve had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.”
We all worry from time to time, but when it becomes persistent, it can be debilitating, even promoting a spiral of poor mental or physical health. A good tactic for dealing with this is somewhat counterintuitive but there is a body of research that demonstrates its effectiveness: it is to deliberately set aside time for worrying every day, perhaps 15 minutes at the end of the day. If worries come up outside of that time, just write them down to consider during the worry time slot and then return to the present moment. This technique is a common tactic used in Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT).
You will have noticed that the first step to removing unnecessary suffering in each case is awareness. I used to blunder through life blissfully unaware of my emotional state. Becoming aware and then working on what is causing my suffering has made a huge difference in my baseline of happiness.
And paying attention to these three causes of unnecessary suffering is a game-changer.
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