CoDA Weekly Reading

 

Being Willing to Hand My Will Over

Hi CoDA,

I was a sexually abused and traumatized person and have had complex issues and have been traumatized by the whole experience. As a result, I became lost, isolated, and lost my identity and became codependent on other people. I then became unwell and got a diagnosis of autoimmune disease. I was physically disabled and had to have help daily with my personal care, while having multiple operations and treatment. In the process, I had all my joints replaced and some of my organs removed as the disease took hold.

I used to drink, drug and be a multi-addict, including behavior addiction. I even became like an abuser to my husband. He became codependent on me which caused a lot of stress and worry over time. I then became so unwell emotionally that I tried over the course of my life to end it. My husband and I had trauma from my siblings and my father and people around us at the time.

I became unwell mentally when we first married. I blamed my husband for my issues, and I drank to escape. I did stupid things, placing myself in positions to be hurt by other people and giving them all my power. I was on a downward cycle towards death. I had court cases, counseling, and dealings with support agencies. This all took my energy and time.

I constantly went to 12-Step meetings and couldn't heal properly. My past kept getting in the way and I was codependent on my husband and people throughout my life. The trauma was always there, and I'd work and have times of recovery then fall over again in some way. Now I'm seeing the truth, and I am finally about to have a better life. My husband and I looked after my father-in-law for seven years and I stayed close to 12-Step programs for support, and this helped keep me keep going.

Then my physical health declined even further, and I found I had multiple illnesses, with stress added to it. But I remained steadfast in the program. Then I drank and again tried to take my own life.

I couldn’t cope and then I found CoDA. It's helped me so much. I pray to God. I use the tools of the program and now I am still here. I have had many family members die or commit suicide and this still impacts me greatly today, but then I found God again and the program again. I'm still here and now I am so much more aware. I still have physical health issues, but I know what it is, and I am improving daily.

I took my power back through CoDA. It's a lifetime of program and recovery that keeps me going. I am now healing and moving forward, and I'm still married after twenty odd years and my husband has stood by me through it all. God constantly does for me what I'm not able to do for myself. If I hand my will over to God, then I can stand in the sunlight of the spirit and stand in my own power. It’s taken me years, one day at a time. I'm in other 12-Step programs which have helped me too. As long as I'm willing to hand my will to God it works if I work at it.

Thanks for reading my story.

Yours in recovery,

Jess 10/17/2023