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There’s a burning misconception out there, by some, that women are difficult. Complicated. Too hard to please.
I think that’s a rather large generalisation.
I’m sure some women are incredibly difficult, just as some men are. I think it’s more a behavioural trait for some, regardless of gender.
We are different, men and women, of course we are. Our bodies are different. Our brains are different. It is said that there are certain innate qualities that we each have that are different.
However, many of these qualities are nothing but conditioning. When we are raised a certain way, throughout the generations, taught and modelled certain behaviours depending on our gender, we of course are going to form certain beliefs about how we are supposed to act and behave.
It doesn’t mean they are right; it simply means we are following the status quo, always doing what we’ve always done. Like there’s no other way. But of course there is another way. After all, we are growing, evolving human beings. The intelligent species. The one’s gifted with the ability to reflect upon history and use our intelligence to see the mistakes. To learn. To adapt. To understand the complexities of each of us. To realise we are all human beings, and as such, we all deserve happiness and fulfilment, however that looks to each of us.
For centuries, we’ve spoken about how to please a man. How a woman should behave to make a man happy and what she should be doing intimately to satisfy her man. But there hasn’t been nearly the same discussion about how to please a woman. Being the other half of the equation, I would think it equally important to know how to create an environment conducive to happiness and intimately satisfy a woman. The confusion comes, I think, because some make assumptions based off their conditioned belief systems as to what we women want. What pleases us.
Understandably, I cannot speak for all women. But I speak for myself and many women. And I say this with the utmost respect and care to men: women are becoming more discerning. We are not afraid to be alone, which makes us fearless of walking away from crappy situations. We are expecting more in our relationships, as we should, and you have two choices: you can step it up and be an equal partner in every way, or you can continue to do what you have always done and wonder why things aren’t working.
21 tips to please a woman:
1. Communication
Yes, communication styles can be different, but it’s about active listening, listening to hear what the other person is saying. Being present, showing that you care how they are feeling and that those feelings are important. It’s about communicating your own thoughts and feelings. It’s about creating a safe space to be open and transparent about how each of you is feeling within yourselves and the relationship.
2. Trust
Without it, you have absolutely nothing. Trust that each of you is a safe space. Trust that your partner can make their own decisions and choices for themselves and the relationship. Trust that wherever they go and whomever they communicate with, they are putting your relationship first. Lack of trust kills everything.
3. Vulnerability
Show me all of you. I don’t just want to see the stoic parts. I want to see the parts you hide from the world. The parts you cover with a mask. A masculine man who can be vulnerable is the gift. If you can’t show me who you really are, let down your guard, and be open and honest, I can’t trust you.
4. Boundaries
And, no, boundaries is not one person making rules for the other. A boundary is something you won’t cross for yourself. If you don’t want your woman to have male friends, don’t partner with a woman who has male friends. Speak to your partner about your boundaries and what you find acceptable, but they still get to choose what they want to do. You. Can’t. Stop. Them. If someone is doing something that crosses a boundary of yours, you get to choose whether you a) decide to tolerate it or b) walk away. Demanding someone do or not do something within your relationship is not a boundary—it is control. Control is toxic. Boundaries are essential.
5. Touch
And I’m not talking about sex. You see, there are many beautiful intimate moments in simply touching. A kiss on the forehead. Stroking the hair out of our eyes. A hug from behind. Holding hands. A massage.
6. Humour
Most of us like to laugh. Someone who can make us laugh can be so attractive. Being able to laugh at ourselves and each other shows a level of vulnerability and intimacy that can be magnetic.
7. Banter
It’s fun and it also shows a level of intelligence. To be able to hold a conversation that is a little amusing, intelligent, interesting, cheeky shows you have some personality.
8. Compassion and Kindness
Women are not the only ones who can be compassionate and kind. We need compassionate and kind men. We want to be around compassionate and kind men. Not men who like to tell us how “nice” they are, but men who show their compassion and kindness in their actions every day. It’s nurturing and we too need to be nurtured.
9. Authenticity
There is nothing more unattractive then fake. Be your genuine self. We want real and raw, not something you have created. It wears off, and it’s incredibly unappealing. Don’t pretend you’re someone you aren’t. It’s just another form of lying and it’s ugly.
10. Emotionally available
Closed off men are a turn off. We want men who can emotionally meet us where we are. Who are not uncomfortable with hearing or feeling emotions. Who are brave enough to work through sh*t together, rather than rug sweep or hide stuff. We want men who can show up on every level.
11. Love
We want men who know how to love hard. That aren’t holding back. That show us how they love and feel in every way. It’s the look. The touch. The care. The support. The meal they cook. The washing they do. How they step up when we are sick. It’s the understanding of who we are.
12. Respect
We also want respect. Respect our no. Respect our wishes. Respect our bodies. Respect isn’t only for men—it’s for all of us. Including women and children. Respect is also not a given and does need to be earned, regardless of who you are.
13. Money isn’t Everything
For me, financial independence is important. That means you can look after yourself financially. I too am financially independent. I think few people actually chase wealthy people, and those who do are just insecure and have work to do on themselves. Most secure women do not care about a man’s financial status, as long as they are financially stable. In fact, I and women I know have turned down wealthy men because we weren’t attracted to them and money is not a driving factor for us. If money is all you can bring to the table, you might have several people sitting at that table with you, but none of them care about you. You may never be alone, but you will be empty and lonely.
14. Peace
Bring us peace, not chaos. We don’t like playing games or guessing how you feel. We want a partner who doesn’t disrupt the peace we have.
15. Passion
Passion about life. Us. Yourself. Passion to learn and grow. A striving to be better. Excited about where life is taking us. Passionate about what’s important to each of us.
16. Foreplay
Starts well before the bedroom. It starts in sharing the load of everyday life, the physical and mental load. It starts in the communication and the trust. It starts in the humour, the banter, and the touch. It starts days before. Weeks before. It’s ongoing and how to maintain a healthy and active sex life. When women feel appreciated, emotionally safe, supported, and nourished, they will feel desirable.
17. The Clitoris
Familiarise yourself with where exactly it is and how to awaken her. Contrary to what some believe, we women can orgasm, and we can do it multiple times. The clitoris has some 8,000 nerve endings and when stimulated can provide some amazing sensations. Don’t be shy; talk to your partner about what she likes. The days of stripping off and jumping on us for the sole purpose of your pleasure are gone. We too want pleasure. Men who love pleasuring women often have the best relationships and the best sex.
18. Oral
Men love a blow job, but some men refuse to reciprocate for the woman. I don’t get it actually, and that’s never happened to me, but apparently there are men out there who refuse. Bit of an odd flex to expect someone to perform oral on you, but you refuse to gift them with that same intimacy. If you are one of these men, keep your pecker in your pants; we don’t want to see it, touch it, let alone put it in our mouth.
19. Sex
We want generous lovers. Lovers who love exploring our bodies. And in return, we love to explore theirs. As John Mayer so eloquently sang, “Her body is a wonderland.” If sex isn’t about intimately and slowly exploring and enjoying each other, until you both climax, what is it? It’s selfish and self-serving, and no woman wants that kind of man. That’s not a lover, that’s a man who has never been taught to love and appreciate a woman. That’s an unhealthy man.
20. Provide for Us
Provide your emotional availability. Provide your honesty and realness. Provide your ability to listen and communicate. Provide your loyalty. Provide your ability to take on some of the physical and mental load of day-to-day life. Provide your care and kindness. Provide your touch with no strings attached. Provide your mind, body, heart, and soul. We want all of you not the limited version.
21. Protect Us
Don’t deliberately hurt us. Don’t lie to us. Don’t bring turmoil into our lives. Don’t think your needs are more important. Don’t be a selfish lover. See us as equal human beings.
Reflecting upon this list, I don’t think it’s demanding. I don’t think we are asking too much. I don’t think this makes us complicated. I think we are asking that you add to our lives, not take away. We are asking for well-rounded relationships, with two well-rounded adults. And of course, no, we won’t always please each other, because life can be complicated and sh*t happens. But the desire to please each other should be at the forefront.
I personally don’t expect from a partner more than I can give and expect myself to uphold these things also. But as women, we are conditioned to please, so for the most part, we have been for generations. Men not so much, and it’s time to change.
The table has expanded with room to grow even more. And if that table is to be full of satisfying goodies, some need to be willing to bring more to that table than in the past; otherwise the rot will set in, and the table will empty.
We have an opportunity to learn and grow. Men have an opportunity to start really listening to what women are saying they want instead of listening to other men who often have no clue what it is we want. And as a sidenote: don’t listen to a man on how to sexually satisfy a woman, because honestly, most of them are completely clueless. If you want to please a woman, listen to her. Listen to her body. Learn from her because she will be your greatest teacher, not some guy on YouTube who has probably never satisfied a woman in his life.
There are plenty of men telling us they want peace, nurturing, someone to look after the home and the kids and a partner who is happy and essentially horny, but these same men are not bringing peace to the home. They are not providing any nurturing. They are not supporting their partner with the physical and mental load within the house and the family. Nor are they creating an environment conducive to happiness. And they are doing absolutely nothing to make their partner horny. They are not listening to what their partner needs; they are listening to men recount how it has worked for generations.
It doesn’t work that way anymore. Truth be told it only ever worked that way for men. So I’m here to openly and honestly share how you can please a woman. It’s not difficult. It’s not time consuming. It’s not going to cost anything. It’s simply listening, feeling, growing, and being human. It’s about becoming better. We all want to be better humans, don’t we?
And the best part is when you learn how to really please a woman, the rewards for yourself will be incredible.
How do you please a woman? Start listening to what we are saying.
“Some men say that women are difficult to satisfy. Seriously? Honesty, loyalty, clear communication, emotional investment, vulnerability, passion, and a flower once in a while. If that’s too difficult, then she’s not hard to please…it’s that you’re the wrong man.” ~ Unknown
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