{*Did you know you can write on Elephant? Here’s how—big changes: How to Write & Make Money or at least Be of Benefit on Elephant. ~ Waylon}
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In today’s world of social media, we have really lost sight on being respectful.
Debating used to be something we could do about a topic, with the ability to respectfully disagree and frame our reasons for and against and take on board the others’ opinion. Today, however, it seems most debates end in personal attacks and bullying, which is a real reflection of the emotional intelligence and inner unhappiness of some people.
Unfortunately, this isn’t just on social media—it has spilled out into real life.
Recently my daughter, a personal trainer, was at the gym when a man approached her and said: “I nearly didn’t recognise you, you have put on weight. Were you trying to bulk up or have you just been eating too much?”
Now, I think for anyone to hear that would be upsetting, but for my daughter, who has struggled in the past with body dysmorphia and disordered eating, it was a stark reminder of how she’s always felt judged by her appearance and body. She is building her personal training business for women who have faced similar struggles, and working with clients in healthy ways to build confidence and belief in themselves. She is using her experience to support the many women who face these demons.
She has come so far, and quite frankly, I’m appalled that a grown man would think it appropriate to let those words come out of his mouth.
My daughter had her first child less than two years ago. She has lived with Type 1 diabetes since the age of 13, and has to deal with all the highs and lows of eating when she doesn’t want to eat, counting carbs, and balancing her insulin intake. She has polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS), which is a hormonal imbalance that can impact weight, bloating, and fluid retention. She’s also recently been diagnosed with ADHD and trying to balance medication for that, and lives with anxiety because of these things.
Did she really need some guy with the emotional intelligence of an ant making a comment like that? What was he trying to achieve?
So my question is: is it ever okay to comment on someone’s body size or shape?
My daughter posted a video and took a poll of this very question after the incident in the gym, and whilst most said no, there were a few who said yes. Some said they thought a compliment about someones weight loss or muscles was a good thing. Some believed it’s perfectly okay to tell someone they could look better, either by losing weight or eating a burger.
And then she had several comments that show the society we are living in: “Do you have an only fans?” and “Will you have a threesome with me?” Plus a couple of other filthy comments I won’t mention here. So we try and raise a serious subject, an important question, a video where she vulnerably shared her history around body image and disordered eating and still, there are idiots objectifying her.
What makes someone feel it’s a good idea to devalue another human being? I can only conclude it’s insecure, unhappy individuals who use the belittling of others to boost their own lack of self-worth.
This morning, I was scrolling through reels when I saw one about a postpartum woman who had her first child a month ago and her mother came to visit with some gifts. The first gift was a set of scales and the second gift was a weight loss journal. Her. Own. Mother. Imagine you’ve carried a baby for nine months (the biggest toll on our body), given birth, and are trying to look after a tiny human and function, and the most important thing to this poor woman’s mother was her daughters weight gain.
It saddens me that so many people focus on another’s appearance.
Men and women are both guilty of this and both experience this, but I do believe far more women are judged by the way they look and their body shape. In a time when we have so much education about eating disorders and body image, where knowledge is power and it’s there at our fingertips, how can we still be having these conversations? How can we still believe we are justified in making unsolicited comments about someone else’s body? How can we lack such self-awareness and respect?
It isn’t just weight gain or those deemed overweight who are harshly judged. It’s also weight loss and those deemed “skinny” who are judged. I was once quite ill and lost a significant amount of weight in a short period of time, and while many people were concerned about this, some were gasping with, “How they wish they could be that skinny,” or “You look so good, what diet are you on?” or “You need to eat more, you’re looking gaunt.” Can we ever win?
Nobody wants to lose a tonne of weight because of a severe illness. I was absolutely slim, but I was not healthy and felt awful. Then when my health improved and I started to gain weight, there were a few snickers of, “Not dieting anymore?” and “Did you have a boob job?” and “Are you pregnant?” All unnecessary comments, by both men and women.
My mum struggled with a few autoimmune diseases before she died in 2022. Her mobility was almost non-existent and she was on an array of medication, one which had her gain more than 20 kgs in a short period of time. She was bloated and restricted in her ability to move, and even though she ate very little, the weight kept piling on. She was embarrassed and ashamed—and she was judged.
You see we have this black and white thinking about weight and that is, the person is either eating too much or too little and exercising too much or too little. There are no shades of grey. No nuance. It seems some people do not have the cognitive ability to factor in things like hormones, thyroid issues, illness, disordered eating, mental illness, medication, or unseen disability.
And some people don’t have the cognitive ability to just keep their thoughts to themselves.
There are also people who believe women should bounce straight back after birthing a child. Like a woman’s body doesn’t go through a huge change. Like our hormones aren’t running wild. There’s a small group of men who make content about this topic and openly state that if their partner isn’t back to her pre-baby shape soon after birth they won’t stick around as they’re “no longer attracted to her,” or they “can’t be blamed for getting sex elsewhere.”
Seems unfathomable right? Your partner has just given birth to your child and you’re no longer attracted to her because her body has changed? It’s repugnant. Deplorable. And sickening. But here we are in 2024 doing this sort of sh*t and thinking it’s okay.
I’m 55 and I’ve seen this all my life. But with the wealth of education and information out there about eating disorders, body image, impacts of certain medicines, and health issues, should we not be more aware? Should we not be more compassionate and understanding? Should we not utilise our commonsense?
If you feel the need to comment on someone’s body, ask yourself why you are doing it. Take a breath and make a better choice—be a better human. It’s not okay to make unsolicited comments, even if you believe your reasoning is justified. If they didn’t ask you for an opinion, keep your comments to yourself.
You have no idea what someone may be going through. Your comments may be what tips them over the edge. That person may be struggling with many things, including suicidal thoughts, and you making your unwanted comment could be the last kick in the gut they can take.
So I implore you to think before you speak. If you dislike yourself that much that you need to belittle another to feel better, seek therapy.
We come in all different shapes and sizes. We start out young and we get older. Our body changes over time and our weight often fluctuates throughout different life stages. Unless someone asks you for your opinion, keep that opinion to yourself. Have enough respect and common decency to allow some things to remain unspoken. It’s rude, it’s offensive, and it’s completely unnecessary to comment on someone’s body.
“No more body shaming! Big or small, short or tall, none of us are beautiful if we have to tear others down to build ourselves up.” ~ Unknown.
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